Yeah, I was in a real writing slump at this point.  I pulled this item out of the file and thought it would be considered.  It's basically a one-act play I wrote years earlier, back when I had no idea what one did with a one-act play.  Still don't.  I consider them long sketches.  It's in my wheelhouse of little guys getting it over on the system, only this time literally. 

​I vaguely remember getting the idea and mulling it until the ending came to me.  I wrote it up.  Presented (I believe) to a workshop I was part of at the time.  I think that's what brought the idea up, sitting in a workshop seeing people present their stage plays and all I ever brought in was my little comedy skits, so this was me trying to be a mature writer...kind of.  Anyway, I had not business sending it to PHC.  I didn't even try to set it up as a typical PHC bit.  I can't say I was surprised when I checked the website that Monday to discover it failed to make the cut....

 I never would give up trying to submit something as one of their recurring bits.  This was based on a real news story; word had gotten out that McDonald's had been putting beef broth in the fryers to give their fries that special flavor. Naturally, people went nuts.  So, naturally, I thought it would be perfect for a ketchup sketch.  As I often did once I had a couple of these sketches under my belt, I would recycle some of the opening monologue gags from earlier ketchup sketches that didn't get picked up.  There would be a new one and then the others would be ones that I thought were underappreciated lines. 

The sketch hits one of my long standing annoyances: vegetarians who can't let go of the carnivore lifestyle.  They won't eat meat, but they want to hang around McDonalds or have fake tacos.

I thought I nailed the tone and pacing of the series, but it got a pass.  I need some ketchup to settle down...

I must have been battling quite the writer's block back then, because this bit is a lazily re-worked essay from my college days.  I was going through a severe Woody Allen phase back in college and wrote a number of essays mimicking his style.  It was a diary-style article, that was inspired by a class where we discussed the transition in film from silent movies to sound.  My memories are vague on this, but I seem to recall the opening paragraph referencing "Singing in the Rain" so it must have been a film class.

And it's not even like PHC was in Hollywood, so I don't even know what prompted me to submit this sketch.  ​I guess the lack of effort show because it wasn't used.

GK: of course I love New York, but sometimes the size can be overwhelming and somewhat impersonal.  For example, it's a minor point, but I was in the subway yesterday and I lost my umbrella.  Just an umbrella, but you know how it is, you leave, get off the train or taxi and you don't realize you've forgotten something until the doors are shut and the vehicle is gone.  Very frustrating.  And that's it,  it's gone.  You'll never see it--

    (foot steps)

RR: Wait, wait, Mr. Keillor!

GK: Who are you?

RR: I'm Ron Roselli, I'm the head of the New York City Department of Lost & Found.

GK: The Department of Lost & Found?  What is that?

RR: We're the agency in charge of holding on to all the lost umbrellas, wallets, hat boxes, key chains, gloves, books, backpacks, and water bottles that people lose.

GK: You hold them.

RR: Until someone picks them up.

GK: I had no idea.

RR: Apparently most people don't.  We need to work on getting our name out there.

GK: What are you doing here?

RR: Yes, sir.  I heard you talking about the item you lost and I got my people right on it.  We wanted to get you your umbrella back.

GK: You have my umbrella?

RR: We have all the umbrellas, socks, riding crops, left shoes, purses, Macy's bags, watches...

GK: I see.

RR: Our agents scour the city finding all the misplaced items and bring them to the office where they are identified, tagged and sorted.

GK: So you have my umbrella?

RR: Back it in boys!

    (Beep, beep, beep of a large truck backing in)

RR: It was black, right?

GK: No, actually, it was a blue one.

RR: Hold it, hold it!  Bring in the other one!

    (Trucks gears grind, then another truck backs in)

GK: That's, what, a dump truck?

RR: Lost item redemption vehicle.  Let me get back there into the bin.

GK: Be careful there.

RR: (from far away) Is this one it?

GK: I don't think so, no, no.

RR: How about this one?

GK: That's not it.

RR: This one?

GK: Oh, that's a nice one---

RR: Don't even think about it.  How about this one...

SS: Garrison?

GK: Yes?

SS: I just wanted to return the umbrella you lent me yesterday.

GK: Oh, you had it?

SS: Remember, it was starting to rain and you offered it to me, since you had just found it in that taxi.

GK: Oh, right, the taxi umbrella.

RR: You're umbrella was from a taxi?

GK: I suppose it was.

RR: For shame, Mr. Keillor, for shame.

GK: You'll be wanting it then?

RR: You know it.  Let me see that, one blue collapsible umbrella.  Okay, if anyone out there has lost a blue, collapsible umbrella just give us a call at the New York City Dept. of Lost and Found.  Thank you.

GK: And thank you, Mr. Roselli.

                                                                                     end

This sketch I was really proud of.  I went through a phrase of song parodies, writing for ACN and such, but when the Enron sandal hit, I just saw it as the exact plot of The Producers-a company that could make more money (for the owners) failing than succeeding.  Power companies were selling off their power plants and only wanted to deliver the electricity without have to concern themselves about producing the power, maintaining the plants or keeping the infrastructure intact.  And this sketch just came out of all of that.  None of the songs are from the Producers musical.  The play opening in April 2001 and ran until 2007.  I didn't see until the final years, so I didn't know those songs.  Actually, all these years later, I still don't, really.  I peddled this skit around to everyone.  It was a writing sample for a while because it was too long for my radio outlets and I didn't have a real stage outlet then.  I finally just adapted it for PHC. I knew this was a long shot going in and I was right.   But, in light of the recent events in Texas (home of Enron), the sketch still seems relevant. 

This was the second piece I submitted for their first week back in Feb. 2002.  The Winter Olympics had been held, so it seemed like a perfect time to re-work and submit the winter version of the radio Olympics.  The show often went off on nonsensical SFX adventures, just playing with the medium of radio, but I never got to a place where they would use one of my takes on it.  I really tried to go beyond just a series of sound effects and give the bit some surreal basis to exist and then marry silly events to justify the various sound effects Tom Keith (the SFX guy) had in his repertoire.  It's a fun, silly, quick-paced piece that didn't make the cut.  Oh, well..

From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Companion."  I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie."  It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there.  But, like any other job, there were...things...  

​From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion."  I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie."  It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there.  But, like any other job, there were...things... 

Back in March 2008, I was hitching my comedy wagon to the American Idol juggernaut.  I was able to marry my idea of bad political ads with the AI voting.  The idea was pretty good, what if the contestants could run ads to get votes instead of just doing Ford commercials?  I thought it would go something like this: