GK: of course I love New York, but sometimes the size can be overwhelming and somewhat impersonal.  For example, it's a minor point, but I was in the subway yesterday and I lost my umbrella.  Just an umbrella, but you know how it is, you leave, get off the train or taxi and you don't realize you've forgotten something until the doors are shut and the vehicle is gone.  Very frustrating.  And that's it,  it's gone.  You'll never see it--

    (foot steps)

RR: Wait, wait, Mr. Keillor!

GK: Who are you?

RR: I'm Ron Roselli, I'm the head of the New York City Department of Lost & Found.

GK: The Department of Lost & Found?  What is that?

RR: We're the agency in charge of holding on to all the lost umbrellas, wallets, hat boxes, key chains, gloves, books, backpacks, and water bottles that people lose.

GK: You hold them.

RR: Until someone picks them up.

GK: I had no idea.

RR: Apparently most people don't.  We need to work on getting our name out there.

GK: What are you doing here?

RR: Yes, sir.  I heard you talking about the item you lost and I got my people right on it.  We wanted to get you your umbrella back.

GK: You have my umbrella?

RR: We have all the umbrellas, socks, riding crops, left shoes, purses, Macy's bags, watches...

GK: I see.

RR: Our agents scour the city finding all the misplaced items and bring them to the office where they are identified, tagged and sorted.

GK: So you have my umbrella?

RR: Back it in boys!

    (Beep, beep, beep of a large truck backing in)

RR: It was black, right?

GK: No, actually, it was a blue one.

RR: Hold it, hold it!  Bring in the other one!

    (Trucks gears grind, then another truck backs in)

GK: That's, what, a dump truck?

RR: Lost item redemption vehicle.  Let me get back there into the bin.

GK: Be careful there.

RR: (from far away) Is this one it?

GK: I don't think so, no, no.

RR: How about this one?

GK: That's not it.

RR: This one?

GK: Oh, that's a nice one---

RR: Don't even think about it.  How about this one...

SS: Garrison?

GK: Yes?

SS: I just wanted to return the umbrella you lent me yesterday.

GK: Oh, you had it?

SS: Remember, it was starting to rain and you offered it to me, since you had just found it in that taxi.

GK: Oh, right, the taxi umbrella.

RR: You're umbrella was from a taxi?

GK: I suppose it was.

RR: For shame, Mr. Keillor, for shame.

GK: You'll be wanting it then?

RR: You know it.  Let me see that, one blue collapsible umbrella.  Okay, if anyone out there has lost a blue, collapsible umbrella just give us a call at the New York City Dept. of Lost and Found.  Thank you.

GK: And thank you, Mr. Roselli.

                                                                                     end

This sketch I was really proud of.  I went through a phrase of song parodies, writing for ACN and such, but when the Enron sandal hit, I just saw it as the exact plot of The Producers-a company that could make more money (for the owners) failing than succeeding.  Power companies were selling off their power plants and only wanted to deliver the electricity without have to concern themselves about producing the power, maintaining the plants or keeping the infrastructure intact.  And this sketch just came out of all of that.  None of the songs are from the Producers musical.  The play opening in April 2001 and ran until 2007.  I didn't see until the final years, so I didn't know those songs.  Actually, all these years later, I still don't, really.  I peddled this skit around to everyone.  It was a writing sample for a while because it was too long for my radio outlets and I didn't have a real stage outlet then.  I finally just adapted it for PHC. I knew this was a long shot going in and I was right.   But, in light of the recent events in Texas (home of Enron), the sketch still seems relevant. 

This was the second piece I submitted for their first week back in Feb. 2002.  The Winter Olympics had been held, so it seemed like a perfect time to re-work and submit the winter version of the radio Olympics.  The show often went off on nonsensical SFX adventures, just playing with the medium of radio, but I never got to a place where they would use one of my takes on it.  I really tried to go beyond just a series of sound effects and give the bit some surreal basis to exist and then marry silly events to justify the various sound effects Tom Keith (the SFX guy) had in his repertoire.  It's a fun, silly, quick-paced piece that didn't make the cut.  Oh, well..

From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Companion."  I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie."  It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there.  But, like any other job, there were...things...  

​From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion."  I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie."  It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there.  But, like any other job, there were...things... 

Back in March 2008, I was hitching my comedy wagon to the American Idol juggernaut.  I was able to marry my idea of bad political ads with the AI voting.  The idea was pretty good, what if the contestants could run ads to get votes instead of just doing Ford commercials?  I thought it would go something like this:  

Yeah, I don't often do it, but every so often a skit is triggered by family things.  A phrase, a word said, a point of view on some topic will give me an idea.  My daughter was complaining how she had joined a gym that wasn't nearby and she didn't go often but they were still charging her the monthly fee.  We told her to cancel, but it was a pain, she didn't feel like going over there to do it in person, maybe she might start going, etc., etc.  That's all it took, and this commercial parody was born.  And the gang over at ACN bought it, just in time for New Year's!  So, we include it here as a holiday-healthy treat!

We present this comedy to remind you that my Christmas Comedy Caper, Lost Claus is available over at Amazon.  So, get a jump on next year's shopping today!