From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
This was an unusual thing for me to sell two bits that PHC rejected back-to-back, but that's what happened here. Was the sketch to technological for PHC? Was it not "humorous" enough for them? I would never know because there was never any feedback. But I learned to take it in stride, especially knowing that my material may have a second chance elsewhere. The premise was cool; Caller ID was all the rage, so I just took it to the next level. It's just a variation on those "technology out of control" bits, most recently on display on the Colin Jost Alexa commercials. So here's the bit as written for PHC and below it is the bit as produced by ACN.
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From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
This one has a happy ending. Okay, how many times have you been stuck in traffic or cut off by some maniac and wanted to yell at them? A lot. Well, instead of just sitting in my car and muttering about it, I wrote a sketch! I helps me blow off steam. I can often write things out of my system, it's a way of venting. So, I wrote this up so PHC could reject it. But I was working the angles at this point. PHC was the big fish. But I had developed two other leads to follow for radio-based comedy. So, if I listened to the show over the weekend and they didn't used my submission, I would re-work it a bit to submit to American Comedy Network, which syndicated jokes and bits to radio station nationwide. If they passed, it went off to All-Star Network, which did the same. So Mike's Auto Mike did get produced at ACN several weeks later, which I've included below the script.
Mike's Auto Mic
This was the first thing I sold to ACN radio. Granted, it was massively rewritten, but the idea of substituting "Santa Claus" for "San Jose" was totally mine. For the season, I pulled out the original parody lyrics, then I'm pasting the produced version below. I liked my version a lot, even working it into one of my screenplays.
Do You Know the Way to Santa Claus
by Dan Fiorella (sung to the tune of "Do You Know the Way to San Jose?") Do you know the way to Santa Claus? I've been away so long, my life's gone wrong, I need a pause. Do you know the way to Santa Claus? I'm going back to find some peace on earth with Santa Claus. Noel is a great big season. Spend a hundred now, and spend some more. In a week, maybe two, you're back in the store. Changing gifts and stuff back into cash. And all the toys you treasured so Are broken now and in the trash. I need to believe in Santa Claus. He's got a lot to give, not just to kids, but to us all. I was born and raised on Santa Claus. I'm going back to find some jingle time with Santa Claus. The North Pole should be a magnet. It's the place where Christmas spirit reigns. Free of greed and the deeds that drive you insane. Santa is the man who shows the way; With peace on earth, good will toward man and that's the point of Christmas day. We've all got a friend in Santa Claus. Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-hoooo. Do you know the ways of Santa Claus? Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-hoooo. Can't wait to get back to Santa Claus! Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-hoooo.
By December of 2004, I had started freelancing for American Comedy Network, which produced comedy pieces which were then syndicated to radio stations all over the country that subscribed to their service.
Much of the more generic, less topical material that I created for PHC got routed over to ACN (in addition to new stuff). I had a pretty good success rate with them. Coming up on Christmas, Buy-agra was a perfect shopping season sketch that could play off-season as well. Malls were still a thing back then, you have to realize and Black Fridays were the Hunger Games of retail. So, here's the PHC version followed by the ACN production, with a shout out to my old pharmaceutical company, Ulti-med. Buy-agra
Man, I know it's the nature of writing to be re-written. I've had punchlines altered that simpy killed the joke or the meaning behind it, but this was a punch to the gut. Came up with a song parody about the PC-ing of Christmas. I thought it was clever and funny and made a point. Sold it. Outside of the first two lines, it was changed. Maybe they went back to the point in their closing lines, but maybe it's too late or I'm too close:
Having a Secular Christmas Time
(Having a Wonderful Christmas Time) By Dan Fiorella Lawsuits filed, the manger’s gone Hey you carolers get off my lawn Simply having a secular Christmas Time Simply having a secular Christmas Time The songs are pop, the tree’s austere The war on Christmas’ in high gear Simply having a secular Christmas Time Simply having a secular Christmas Time I’ve forbade the children’s Christmas play Now they sing “Jingle all the way” Ding-dong, Ding-dong, ding-dong; Avon lady’s come. The meal’s vegan, the Santa’s bland The tree’s just pine; Nativity’s banned Simply having a secular Christmas Time Simply having a secular Christmas Time
"The Expendables 2" is now in theaters. I parodied the original. Through one of those creative flukes, I sold two different versions of the same idea to two different producers. Let's check them out:
First, the version from All Star Radio, which stayed close to my script:
The the version from American Comedy Network and took the idea in a (slightly) different direction:
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Dan FiorellaFreelance writer, still hacking away. Archives
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