Week 5 of our shelter @ home festival, with jokes and wacky commentary! Including myself in several episodes. It's at TMI: Hollywood on their Facebook page! Check it out!
I"ve been gathering my jokes that TMI: Hollywood have been using during their daily webcast on Facebook. They'll be doing it for the duration on Facebook, 1pm, Pacific Time!
TMI: Hollywood continues to keep cast and crew busy by webcasting LIVE a mix of comedy and commentary each afternoon. I've culled my jokes from the shows done for week 3. You can check out the whole episodes on their Facebook page until they are able to hit the stage again!
TMI: Hollywood continues to keep cast and crew busy by webcasting LIVE a mix of comedy and commentary each afternoon. I've culled my jokes from the shows done for the first shows in April. You can check out the whole episodes on their Facebook page until they are able to hit the stage again!
A bit I wrote a few days ago, trying to find a different take on the whole situation in a different light. It's getting very hard to submit pandemic material these days. But, write what you know...
The Days of Quarantine
On the first day of quarantine my true love gave to me Purell and a roll of T.P.
On the second day of quarantine my true love gave to me two santi wipes…
On the third day of quarantine my true love gave to me three frozen pizzas…
On the fourth day of quarantine my true love gave to me four online memes…
On the fifth day of quarantine my true love gave to me Five Rubber Gloves!
On the twelfth day of quarantine my true love gave to me twelve pounds of chocolate…
On the twenty-second day of quarantine my true love gave to me 24 press conferences…
On the thirty-second day of quarantine my true love gave to me 32 bars of soap…
On the fifty-seventh day of quarantine my true love gave to me 57 razors…
On the sixty-twelfth day of quarantine my true love gave to me a haircut because I’m looking really shaggy…
On the Liberty-Biberty day of quarantine my true love gave to me a plastic bag to wear on my head in lieu of a mask…
And a Purell and some T.P.!
Remember back in December 2019 when the biggest news was Trump's campaign posting (on purpose) a video where Trump was photoshopped onto the body of Thanos from Avengers: Endgame destroying everyone. Me, neither, until I turned up this bit I wrote and submitted around. Wow, the idea of Trump being responsible for the deaths of a lot a people was just a far off dream for him back then.
Anyway, here was my take on the situation back then...
Team Trump Online Video Updates
Cc: @POTUS, @RudyColludy, @LevParnas, @ThatIgorFruman
We’re looking at the numbers on the recent video we shared on Twitter and they are insane! The video blew up big time. The people love seeing the President portrayed in a copyrighted clip as Thanos as he’s about to disintegrate the entire universe! When combined with the number of views of our tremendous “Game of Thrones” build-the-wall meme, you can see we have this election in the bag! So, with that in mind, we’ve been going through Wikipedia (not Wikileaks; LOL) to find more iconic and trademarked pop-culture characters we can infringe on. It’s quite a list!
Auric Goldfinger: this was a no brainer! Who loves gold more than Mr. Trump? Picture the scene where James Bond is tied to a table with a laser working its way up toward his groinal regions. Only, in the clip, we’ll put Nancy Pelosi’s face on Bond. So when she says, “Do you expect me to talk?” and Goldfinger/Trump replies “No, I expect you to die” our supporters will go nuts. Many clinically.
Dr. Hannibal Lecter: Style, wit, grace, intellect-who better displays these Trumpian characteristics than Dr. Lecter from “Silence of the Lambs”? We all agree that we should use the scene where Lecter silences all the lambs, i.e., the braying Democrats.
Zombie from “Return of the Living Dead”: We can have Zombie Trump trying to eat the brains of the Democratic leadership, but he keeps saying “These Democrats have no brains!” (If he hasn’t said it already, maybe work the phrase into his next rally) and “I’m still hungry!” (which we’re very sure is on file somewhere).
Jack Torrance: This is Jack Nicholson in “The Shining.” Just imagine having Mr. Trump come busting through the door saying “Here’s MAGA!” while Hillary (or Nancy or Barrack or James Comey or whoever’s on Mr. Trump’s Most Wanted list that week) screams in terror? That’s Trumpism in a nutshell, baby!
The Emperor from “Star Wars”: Lifetime ruler alert! Picture the scene where Emperor Palpatine (now Mr. Trump) tells Luke (now Adam Schiff) “It is of no concern. Soon the rebellion will be crushed.” Or something like that. If that doesn’t make people want to join the Trump Empire, then nothing will!
Lord Voldemort: What could be more dramatic and uplifting for the Republicans then the scene where Lord Donald finally strikes down his mortal enemy, Hillary Potter, with the forbidden spell of “Avada Kedavra” which, we believe, is Latin for “Lock her up!”
Godzilla: Hey, when you think about destroying a corrupt town like Washington D.C., what comes to mind quicker than Godzilla? Imagine Mr. Trump’s head over Godzilla’s as he stomps through town screaming “Drain the swamp” or “Lock her up” (depending on focus group feedback) and we can turn the fleeing populous as members of the Demon-cratic Party (pretty good, right? I just made that up now). In fact, we can lift a whole clip of fleeing Democrats from the Daily Show and their “World War D” footage. I’m sure they won’t mind, either.
Gollum: Okay, he’s another gold-phile, but we can have the scene were Frodo is trying to throw the ring (say, the Constitution) into the flaming fires of Mount Doom and Gollum/Trump leaps out and rescues the ring, yelling: “My precious! My precious,” which would totally be in character for Mr. Trump and his love of the Constitution.
Get back to me on any of these ideas. Me and Lester are ready to put any one of them together! And wait until you see the amazing fake Time covers we’re prepping! And we’ll make sure we don’t send out this text as a tweet again!
Here's something I was bicycling around to the few sites I have a relationship with....
DisneyWorld Announces New Post-Virus Attractions
Yes, a lot of vacation plans went awry when the Disney theme parks closed in the face of the Coronavirus. It was the right decision to make, but disappointed us. But, like everyone else, Disney is making plans for its reopening. To that end, they’ve just release a list of the new attractions that the Disney Imagineers are re-theming for their post-quarantine openings:
Small World So Wear a Mask
Personal Space Mountain
Spinning Quarantea Cups
Transmission to Mars
Hot Zone Tower of Terror
River Hospital Boats
The Hall of Pestilence
Ventilators of the Caribbean
Country Bear Quarantinee
The Carousel of Virus
In the midst of this pandemic and quarantine, a group of brave comic actors are pulling together to produce comedy! TMI:Hollywood, the LA comedy troupe and producers of TMI Minute are producing a live webcast featuring a monologue and various cast members and crew (and the occasional East Coast writer...me) to discuss the topics of the day. They started March 25th and I just figured out how to download FB videos and edit my jokes together! So, if you haven't see them online at Facebook, here's a sampler of my material, then tune in on their FB page at 1 pm PST. Stay well!
From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
Another one of my bits that went through a number of versions. It was a prose piece. It was a stage sketch. And it was written up as a radio bit for PHC. The show had been on a break after it's European tour and I wasn't as vigal as I could have been creating new content. I was pretty much just submitting one sketch a week, alternating between new ideas when they came to me and trying to resurrect older material in the drawers. This had been on ThemeStream and Vines. I got it published again on the old Higgs/Weldon website at one point. It's a bit I always enjoyed. It started as a ridiculous guy with ridiculous ways to save money, then in later drafts it morphed into a survivalist-type with ridiculous ways to save money for the collapse of civilization that was fast approaching. PHC gave it a pass. Here's the radio version of...
The Frugal Fanatic
One of my odder writing gigs was a freelance job I had from 2007 to 2013, writing for the conservative news site, Newsbusters.
Freelance writer, still hacking away.