- A-Popsicle Now
- Zomberry Mocha
- Vanilla Envelope
- Zany Zucchini
- Blackberry Crunch with Wifi
- Rocky Rhodes Scholar
- Original Chucky Monkey (made with real monkey)
- Beef & Broccoli
- Salt & Peppermint
- Sweet Pee (not a typo)
- Canada Bananada
- Squirrel Swirl
- Red Velvet Rope
- Banana Tips
- Chocolate Pizza
- Yellow Snowcone
- Beri-Beri (which didn’t have any berries at all)
- Sweaty Workers
- Frozen Floor Sweepings
Free Cone Day Rejects
From the Slushpile...
With Shakespeare in the news again, it's time to pull out this piece I did for the SI Advance back in 2/98.
Lost Shakespeare: the Whole Shebang
The new television season is upon us. As network shows, pay-per-view, satellite TV, cable, movie channels, PBS and the security camera at the 7-11 all fight over a shrinking audience base, what can they do to grab viewers and keep them on their couches in front of their sets short of breaking into their homes, tying them up and holding them there at gun point (which was determined to be impractical and not very cost-efficient)? Maybe a sign of the times is the upcoming series of shows co-produced by PBS and Comedy Central. It's an ambitious project showcasing all of William Shakespeare's earlier, lesser works. Check local listings for time and channel:
From the Slushpile...
Sure, we hear about sequels to Avatar, Terminator, Aliens, but what about James Cameron's biggest hit? From the SI Advance, 12/98
Titanic 2: The Sequel
You can't keep a good boat down; At a billion dollars and climbing, TITANIC is the biggest movie of all time. And now with the Titaniacs all worked up over the video release and its looming presence as a major Christmas present, do you really think that Hollywood would let a little thing like the death of all the characters and the sinking of the ship stop them from making a sequel? I think not. And I'm more than willing to pitch my ideas for the sequel that must be:
Rejected Cable Slogans
BRAVO: “You like shows about angry people cursing each other? BRAVO for you!”
CLOO: “It’s a mystery why we still have this name.”
AMC: “Sure, okay, we still show movies, but have you seen Walking Dead? Awesome, right?”
TruTV: “Because if it were really True, it wouldn’t be on TV.”
Toys is not all fun and games. With vast amounts of money at stake, every toy manufacturer is hoping it has created the NEXT BIG THING; the toy that'll fly off the store shelves, force parents to trade on the black market, pop up on "The TODAY Show," or receive a headline mention that uses the phrase "many injured." Unfortunately, that doesn't happen most of the time. While some toys make you remark, "I wish I'd thought of that!" most cause you to wonder, "What were they thinking?" Here's a look at some of the Furby-wannabes through the years (now available in a clearance bin near you):
Rejected Lotto Slogans
Try the new Holiday Lotto tickets! 41 chances to win, which is more like 41 chances to lose.
Awkward Thanksgiving Grace
Well, at least the sweet potatoes didn’t catch fire again---
Thanks for allowing all the family to come together and then leave after dessert---
We are thankful for thy bounty, although my cholesterol count probably won’t appreciate it---
And in tribute to the Pilgrims and Puritans who landed in Massachusetts, let us now burn this witch---
Who wants to stab the turkey first---?
And as we honor our forefathers, who came to America from Turkey---
Let us thank you first for cancelling Aunt Margie and Uncle Ed’s flight here---
Well, Lord, thank you for this bounty, although…whole berry cranberry sauce? Really---?
Let us thank the Lord and Boston Market for this meal---
Bad Campaign Slogans
Politicians spend a lot of money to get the best campaign managers and sometimes they don't...
“He means well.”
“Hey, you try doing this and see how far you get.”
Trick or Treats of the Trade
Halloween is a time of tricks and treats. But how do you make sure you get more treats than tricks? Thanks to the folks at the American Candy Council, we've been able to put together a helpful guide of what candies to be wary of, and I don't mean Mary Janes, Dots, ribbon candy and all those other odd-ball confections you don't see but once a year come Halloween...
Official Wolverine Back Scratcher.
Freelance writer, still hacking away.