From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
Meanwhile, back at life in post 9/11...With the hunt on for Osama Bin Laden after the terrorist attacks, there were lots of reports of where he was alleged to be. And he kept releasing videos. And kept declaring one jihad after another, to keep his base energized. And that's where the idea for this sketch came from, that he's in the cave reduced to declaring jihads on every little annoyance. Seemed like a classic sketch premise.
Now what they did to it was use the premise, use the gags, reorder them, reword them and then have it wander off into some weird winter wonderland bit. And for that, the credit reads:
Now what they did to it was use the premise, use the gags, reorder them, reword them and then have it wander off into some weird winter wonderland bit. And for that, the credit reads:
© Garrison Keillor 2001, additional material by Dan Fiorella
I often joked that Garrison Keillor was exactly the kind of guy the WGA was created to fight. As I've said before, GK was pretty random with credits and here is the strongest display of his randomness. It's obviously my work, tinkered with. I am hardly the "additional material," he is. Hey, yeah, it's been a long time, but if I just silently accept it, the terrorists win. But as some outsider, I was grateful to be reminded that they were still reading my submissions and seeing stuff good enough to use. And pay for. Here's my version of the skit followed by the broadcast version that PHC archived here.
Bin Laden, Done That
(GK, AS: Another Sheik, BL: Bin Laden, PZ: Pizza Boy)
GK: There will be a special news report later this evening, on the release of the latest tape from Osama Bin Laden's headquarters. It's an amazing tape, as we'll seen from these audio highlights:
AS: Praise be to Allah! This was quite a day for the true believers. Thank you for inviting me into your cave to share this moment.
BL: You are welcome. Yes, the jihad I have declared on the infidels will bring us much glory.
AS: But it is said England will join the great Satan in their battle against us.
BL: Then I shall call a jihad against the British infidels.
AS: Very good, Osama.
(door bell)
AS: What is that?
BL: That's the cave bell. I'll get it. Who's there?
PZ: Pizza delivery.
BL: Ah, my pizza. It has been more than 30 minutes, so I get it free.
PZ: No, it took me 20 minutes. You have to pay.
BL: Nonsense. It should have taken you 30 minutes to pass through the mine field alone!
PZ: I know a short cut. $14.98, please.
BL: I have a coupon. I pay $8.99.
PZ: This is expired. Full price.
BL: Bah! I declare a jihad on you, you infidel!
PZ: Whatever. Just pay me.
BL: Begone with you and your Satanic pizza!
(door slam)
AS: The infidels are everywhere!
BL: Ain't that the truth.
(phone rings)
BL: Hello. What? No, I do not wish to change my long distance carrier! Stop calling me! I declare a jihad on you, you infidel!
(Hang up)
AS: I hate those telemarketers. But it never occurred to me to declare a jihad on them.
BL: It stops them cold. Turn on the TV, I wish to see how the media is covering these events.
AS: The reception is very poor here. You need to install a dish.
BL: Oh, I called the Dish company. And they said they would sent someone to install the dish yesterday, between 10 am and 7 pm. And they never showed up!
AS: Oh, I hate that. What did you do?
BL: I declared a jihad on them and hooked the rabbit ears back up. I grow thirsty...would you care for a drink?
AS: Yes, that would be welcomed.
BL: I nice glass of juice...Curses! Who put the juice container back in the refrigerator with only the tiniest drop of juice left in it? Who is it? Some one is looking to get a jihad declared on them! Some one better tell me, or I'll declare a jihad on all of you. Yassif, what are you doing with that video camera? Turn it off now, or you'll get a jihad declared on you big time!
(static)
GK: A fascinating look into the world of terrorism. The Osama Tapes, tonight on most of these public radio stations.
end
GK: There will be a special news report later this evening, on the release of the latest tape from Osama Bin Laden's headquarters. It's an amazing tape, as we'll seen from these audio highlights:
AS: Praise be to Allah! This was quite a day for the true believers. Thank you for inviting me into your cave to share this moment.
BL: You are welcome. Yes, the jihad I have declared on the infidels will bring us much glory.
AS: But it is said England will join the great Satan in their battle against us.
BL: Then I shall call a jihad against the British infidels.
AS: Very good, Osama.
(door bell)
AS: What is that?
BL: That's the cave bell. I'll get it. Who's there?
PZ: Pizza delivery.
BL: Ah, my pizza. It has been more than 30 minutes, so I get it free.
PZ: No, it took me 20 minutes. You have to pay.
BL: Nonsense. It should have taken you 30 minutes to pass through the mine field alone!
PZ: I know a short cut. $14.98, please.
BL: I have a coupon. I pay $8.99.
PZ: This is expired. Full price.
BL: Bah! I declare a jihad on you, you infidel!
PZ: Whatever. Just pay me.
BL: Begone with you and your Satanic pizza!
(door slam)
AS: The infidels are everywhere!
BL: Ain't that the truth.
(phone rings)
BL: Hello. What? No, I do not wish to change my long distance carrier! Stop calling me! I declare a jihad on you, you infidel!
(Hang up)
AS: I hate those telemarketers. But it never occurred to me to declare a jihad on them.
BL: It stops them cold. Turn on the TV, I wish to see how the media is covering these events.
AS: The reception is very poor here. You need to install a dish.
BL: Oh, I called the Dish company. And they said they would sent someone to install the dish yesterday, between 10 am and 7 pm. And they never showed up!
AS: Oh, I hate that. What did you do?
BL: I declared a jihad on them and hooked the rabbit ears back up. I grow thirsty...would you care for a drink?
AS: Yes, that would be welcomed.
BL: I nice glass of juice...Curses! Who put the juice container back in the refrigerator with only the tiniest drop of juice left in it? Who is it? Some one is looking to get a jihad declared on them! Some one better tell me, or I'll declare a jihad on all of you. Yassif, what are you doing with that video camera? Turn it off now, or you'll get a jihad declared on you big time!
(static)
GK: A fascinating look into the world of terrorism. The Osama Tapes, tonight on most of these public radio stations.
end
