From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
The season was winding down. The Fourth of July was coming up. I don't know what inspired the idea, but it's not like I hadn't visited this terrain before (my Ye Old Catchphrase Shoppe) and perhaps we had visited Williamsburg around this time which would have put in in a Patrick Henry state of mind. It's a typical sketch premise for me; take a bit of history and then just have the guy over do it, in this case, Henry's famous rallying cry. I did it with bin Laden and his habit of declaring jihads on anybody who annoyed him. While that sketch got used, this one missed the mark. And I actually submitted two sketches that week, something I had stopped doing years earlier. I just couldn't take the double rejection. But with things ending, if I had another idea and didn't want to sit on it all summer, it had to be sent in.
Give Me Liberty
(TJ: Tom Jefferson, PH: Patrick Henry, WT: Waitress, BK: Bar Keep, AD: Andrew)
TJ: That was quite the firery oratory, Patrick Henry.
PH: Yes, I was on tonight.
TJ: Give me liberty, or give me death. What an amazing rallying cry.
PH: It just came to me. And I truly mean it. If we can't have liberty, then what is life? It's meaningless.
TJ: A really great phrase.
WT: Good evening, sires, I'm Wendy, I'll be your serving wench this evening.
TJ: What are the specials?
WT: We have a beaver tar-tar that is quite good. There's an excellent muskrat pot pie. Each comes with a baked potato.
PH: That sounds dandy. Can I get French fries instead?
WT: No, sorry, no substitutions.
PH: What do you mean, no substitutions? I'm quite in the mood for French fries with my meal.
WT: I'm sorry. It's a specially price dinner as is.
PH: I won't stand for this. Having fries is one of the reasons we came to this land!
TJ: You can have some of my fries, Patrick, I was going to order the burger special.
PH: Nay, I care not what others may order but as for me, give me French fries or give me death.
WT: Fine, fine, I'll get you your fries.
TJ: Wow, you really must like French fries.
PH: You know it.
BK: Good evening, gentlemen. I'm Stewart, your barkeep. Can I get you any beverages?
TJ: I'll have a stout lager, please.
PH: That sounds good. Make it two.
BK: We're out of lager right now.
PH: What? Out of lager! This is outrageous! How can this establishment be out of lager? This can not stand! I know not what others imbibe, but as for me, give me lager or give me death!
TJ: Do you have any saspriella?
BK: Yes.
TJ: I'll have that. Come on, Pat, what say you?
PH: Saspriella or death? Saspriella, I guess.
BK: Very good, sir.
TJ: Patrick, as phrases go, it's a good one, but it's really not all purpose.
PH: What can I say? It always works for me.
TJ: Here comes Andrew. He looks frazzled. What is it, Andrew?
AD: Jefferson! Henry! They've called a special vote! Hurry!
PH: Okay, okay, let me just settle up the check. And this is for you, lass.
WT: What is this? A hay-penny? You call that a tip? How dare you! These are the tips that try men's souls!
PH: Damn that Thomas Paine!
end
