From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
Back before GPS, the big development was OnStar, a direct connect to roadside assistance. You pushed a button and you were speaking with someone who could help. I had done a couple of OnStar parodies, especially after GPS systems began offering character and celebrity voice options. I wrote this one up special for PHC, for their voice guy, Tim Russell. Same goofy premise, you turn on the service and some celebrity pipes in to guide you along. I thought it was a clever bit and a natural for the show. Maybe I should have padded it out a bit and inserted the voices full names in each. They didn't pick it. So, here it is, long passed its "sell-by" date:
GuestStar
GK: This portion of the show is brought to you by Gueststar Auto services.
(Car motoring along)
GK: You're driving along when suddenly...
(Tire blows out, screeching)
GK: You have car trouble. When you're out in the middle of nowhere, who do you turn to?
(Electronic ping)
CHANNING: (on speaker) Our sensors detected your vehicle has had a blowout.
MAN: Who is this?
CHANNING: This is Carol Channing and I'm on GuestStar Auto services.
GK: GuestStar, your one button aid and help service, from the makers of OnStar. We have a list of your favorite Guest stars all working together to give you roadside assistance at a moment's notice.
(ping)
NICHOLSON: This is Jack, we just detected an air bag deployment. Are you okay?
GK: If you're in your car and you're in trouble, you can count on Gueststar.
BROKAW: This is Gueststar, how can we help you?
WOMAN: Yes, I've locked my keys in my car and my dog is in the car...wait, is this Tom Brokaw?
BROKAW: Yes, this is Tom Brokaw for Gueststar.
WOMAN: What are you doing there?
BROKAW: Well, you know, I retired and I have a lot of free time now and I like helping people...
GK: Gueststar on board automotive services. A friendly, familiar, comforting celebrity to help you on your way.
WIFE: Honey, we're lost, why don't you pull over and get directions?
HUSBAND: I don't have to, I'll just contact GuestStar.
(Electronic ping)
DYLAN: This is Bob Dylan on GuestStar. How can I help you?
HUSBAND: We need directions to Mickey's Barbecue House.
DYLAN: Mickey's? I used to play there. You gotta go down the road...
(trails off into sing-song babble)
WIFE: This isn't helping.
GK: GuestStar provides roadside assistance, directions and car theft retrieval.
CROOK: Hit the gas, Louie! We'll have this baby stripped down in no time!
VENTURA: Pull over, you bandits. This is Jessie "the Body" Ventura on GuestStar and you're busted. We have your location and I've called for a police unit.
CROOK: I hate GuestStar!
GK: GuestStar, now available on many American-made cars. Some stroking required.
End
(Car motoring along)
GK: You're driving along when suddenly...
(Tire blows out, screeching)
GK: You have car trouble. When you're out in the middle of nowhere, who do you turn to?
(Electronic ping)
CHANNING: (on speaker) Our sensors detected your vehicle has had a blowout.
MAN: Who is this?
CHANNING: This is Carol Channing and I'm on GuestStar Auto services.
GK: GuestStar, your one button aid and help service, from the makers of OnStar. We have a list of your favorite Guest stars all working together to give you roadside assistance at a moment's notice.
(ping)
NICHOLSON: This is Jack, we just detected an air bag deployment. Are you okay?
GK: If you're in your car and you're in trouble, you can count on Gueststar.
BROKAW: This is Gueststar, how can we help you?
WOMAN: Yes, I've locked my keys in my car and my dog is in the car...wait, is this Tom Brokaw?
BROKAW: Yes, this is Tom Brokaw for Gueststar.
WOMAN: What are you doing there?
BROKAW: Well, you know, I retired and I have a lot of free time now and I like helping people...
GK: Gueststar on board automotive services. A friendly, familiar, comforting celebrity to help you on your way.
WIFE: Honey, we're lost, why don't you pull over and get directions?
HUSBAND: I don't have to, I'll just contact GuestStar.
(Electronic ping)
DYLAN: This is Bob Dylan on GuestStar. How can I help you?
HUSBAND: We need directions to Mickey's Barbecue House.
DYLAN: Mickey's? I used to play there. You gotta go down the road...
(trails off into sing-song babble)
WIFE: This isn't helping.
GK: GuestStar provides roadside assistance, directions and car theft retrieval.
CROOK: Hit the gas, Louie! We'll have this baby stripped down in no time!
VENTURA: Pull over, you bandits. This is Jessie "the Body" Ventura on GuestStar and you're busted. We have your location and I've called for a police unit.
CROOK: I hate GuestStar!
GK: GuestStar, now available on many American-made cars. Some stroking required.
End
