From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
This is one of those sketches I had totally forgotten about. And it's an old one. I wrote this bit in college. I preformed it there as well. It was cross between my Python-style shop sketches and an Abbott & Costello patter routine. I remember sneaking into the sign printing press at work (I was part-time at Kmart) and actually setting the type and ink and printing up the various sample slogans to give the sketch some visual punch.
I'm actually proud of the skit, too, because I managed to bring the sketch full circle, get to the phrase needed and get the shopkeep to take credit for it. Plus I worked in an Abbott & Costello reference. It was certainly a weird variation on my Pet Store and Plant Store sketches, and of my shopkeep guy, who I later on named Martin Storeman and applied it retroactively to all these Dead Parrot-style routines.
I can't even remember how the idea came up, but I certainly held to the premise and worked it well. I guess it was only a matter of time before I pitched it to PHC. I had to add a wrap-around set-up, to make it seem like an on-going serial, which worked fine. I thought they would like the word play. I thought GK could be Paul Revere, but maybe that was too big a stretch from his usually droll/low-key demeanor. It was a pass for them.
When I did do the sketch at college, I attempted to audio tape the show. That tape is kicking around somewhere, I suppose. Maybe I'll get around to digitizing it and upload it someday.
I'm actually proud of the skit, too, because I managed to bring the sketch full circle, get to the phrase needed and get the shopkeep to take credit for it. Plus I worked in an Abbott & Costello reference. It was certainly a weird variation on my Pet Store and Plant Store sketches, and of my shopkeep guy, who I later on named Martin Storeman and applied it retroactively to all these Dead Parrot-style routines.
I can't even remember how the idea came up, but I certainly held to the premise and worked it well. I guess it was only a matter of time before I pitched it to PHC. I had to add a wrap-around set-up, to make it seem like an on-going serial, which worked fine. I thought they would like the word play. I thought GK could be Paul Revere, but maybe that was too big a stretch from his usually droll/low-key demeanor. It was a pass for them.
When I did do the sketch at college, I attempted to audio tape the show. That tape is kicking around somewhere, I suppose. Maybe I'll get around to digitizing it and upload it someday.
Ye Olde Catch-Phrase Shoppe
(AN: Announcer, PR: Paul Revere, SK: Shopkeep)
AN: Time once again to visit colonial times as we look in on Ye Olde Catch-Phrase Shoppe.
(door opens, little bell rings)
SK: Good day, sire and welcome to Ye Olde Catch-Phrase Shoppe. "We put the words in your mouth." How may I help you?
PR: My name is Revere and I am looking for a catch-phrase.
SK: You have come to the right place. We have an unlimited selection of catch-phrases, mottos, and quips. What exactly are you looking for?
PR: Something that will bring attention to me.
SK: Well, we have several sure-fire ones. There's this one here, "You looking at me?", or perhaps, "Beer here!" or maybe "Who's on First?"
PR: What?
SK: Not What, Who. Heh-heh. Works every time.
PR: That is not really what I am looking for.
SK: What is it you want?
PR: Sort of a war cry.
SK: We have a very wide selection. Here's a few good ones, "Remember the Alamo." "Remember the Maine." And the ever popular "Buy a vowel."
PR: I think not.
SK: What is it for?
PR: The situation is thus: I have to ride through the countryside warning the farmers of an invasion.
SK: By whom?
PR: The British.
SK: How about, "Cheez it, the troops."
PR: Nay.
SK: Did you have something in mind?
PR: I was thinking of riding through town waving my hands yelling, "to arms! To arms!"
SK: Two arms. Do you not think people can see for themselves that you have two arms? Most people have, you know.
PR: Nay, nay. It means that the people should gather with their arms.
SK: As if someone is going to leave them home?
PR: Not at all. Bear arms.
SK: What do I care if you wear a short sleeve shirt?
PR: I do not wear a short sleeve shirt.
SK: You said your arms were bare.
PR: I said the citizens had to bear arms.
SK: Why are the citizens wearing short sleeve shirts?
PR: The citizens are not wearing short sleeve shirts.
SK: I should hope not, it's mighty chilly out.
PR: You do not have to wear short sleeve shirts to have to bear arms.
SK: No? Then what do you have to do?
PR: Have the enemy attack.
SK: Oh, and they tear off your sleeves.
PR: The sleeves have nothing to with having to bear arms.
SK: But they have two bear arms?
PR: Aye!
SK: What are they, part grizzly?
PR: Arms means weapons, guns!
SK: This is what happens when you let amateurs make catch-phrases.
PR: It is very important.
SK: So what you need is a war cry, to rally the citizenry to prepare for battle.
PR: Exactly.
SK: Sorry, I sold the last one yesterday to Mr. Patrick Henry. It was a doozy, too. He says it all the time now. He's all "Give me this or give me death", "Give me that or give me death."
PR: I am in great need.
SK: Okay, what's the set-up for this ride?
PR: I am to watch the North Church for the signal that the British are invading, lanterns in the tower. One if by land, two if by sea.
SK: Hey, that was the phrase I sold the guy at the church. Is he with you?
PR: He is.
SK: Then I can give you a group discount.
PR: Upon the signal, I am to saddle up and ride to Concord and Lexington, warning the people.
SK: Ah! There's a horse. I have it then. As you mount your steed you cry, "Hi-ho-Silver!" You're a silversmith. It's perfect!
PR: And you came so highly recommended. Listen, all I want is a phrase to arouse the countrymen.
SK: How about, "Hey, good lookin'"
PR: It has to be a cry that will empty out the houses.
SK: Yell "Shark!"
PR: That will empty the houses?
SK: Works at the beach.
PR: This is not working out.
SK: Hold on, hold on, pewter-boy, we'll lick this yet. Now, you want a war cry. Who is it for?
PR: The minutemen.
SK: Who are the minutemen?
PR: Soldiers.
SK: Why are they called minutemen?
PR: Because they will be ready in a minute.
SK: Ready for what?
PR: (getting mad) To fight!
SK: Fight who?
PR: The British!
SK: Why?
PR: Because the British are coming, the British are coming!
SK: There you go, your catch-phrase.
PR: The British are coming. I like it.
SK: Fine. That will be five pounds six, sir.
PR: Five pounds six? For what? I thought of it.
SK: Coaching, sir.
PR: Coaching?? I won't pay it!
SK: Is that your final answer?
PR: I'm leaving, and you won't have me to kick around anymore!
SK: Can I quote you?
(bell tingles, door slams)
AN: Tune in next time for "Ye Old Catch-Phrase Shoppe" when we hear the shopkeep say,
SK: Sure, Mr. Washington, you can say "I cannot tell a lie," but how will you be able to be President then?
AN: That's next time on "Ye Old Catch-Phrase Shoppe."
end
AN: Time once again to visit colonial times as we look in on Ye Olde Catch-Phrase Shoppe.
(door opens, little bell rings)
SK: Good day, sire and welcome to Ye Olde Catch-Phrase Shoppe. "We put the words in your mouth." How may I help you?
PR: My name is Revere and I am looking for a catch-phrase.
SK: You have come to the right place. We have an unlimited selection of catch-phrases, mottos, and quips. What exactly are you looking for?
PR: Something that will bring attention to me.
SK: Well, we have several sure-fire ones. There's this one here, "You looking at me?", or perhaps, "Beer here!" or maybe "Who's on First?"
PR: What?
SK: Not What, Who. Heh-heh. Works every time.
PR: That is not really what I am looking for.
SK: What is it you want?
PR: Sort of a war cry.
SK: We have a very wide selection. Here's a few good ones, "Remember the Alamo." "Remember the Maine." And the ever popular "Buy a vowel."
PR: I think not.
SK: What is it for?
PR: The situation is thus: I have to ride through the countryside warning the farmers of an invasion.
SK: By whom?
PR: The British.
SK: How about, "Cheez it, the troops."
PR: Nay.
SK: Did you have something in mind?
PR: I was thinking of riding through town waving my hands yelling, "to arms! To arms!"
SK: Two arms. Do you not think people can see for themselves that you have two arms? Most people have, you know.
PR: Nay, nay. It means that the people should gather with their arms.
SK: As if someone is going to leave them home?
PR: Not at all. Bear arms.
SK: What do I care if you wear a short sleeve shirt?
PR: I do not wear a short sleeve shirt.
SK: You said your arms were bare.
PR: I said the citizens had to bear arms.
SK: Why are the citizens wearing short sleeve shirts?
PR: The citizens are not wearing short sleeve shirts.
SK: I should hope not, it's mighty chilly out.
PR: You do not have to wear short sleeve shirts to have to bear arms.
SK: No? Then what do you have to do?
PR: Have the enemy attack.
SK: Oh, and they tear off your sleeves.
PR: The sleeves have nothing to with having to bear arms.
SK: But they have two bear arms?
PR: Aye!
SK: What are they, part grizzly?
PR: Arms means weapons, guns!
SK: This is what happens when you let amateurs make catch-phrases.
PR: It is very important.
SK: So what you need is a war cry, to rally the citizenry to prepare for battle.
PR: Exactly.
SK: Sorry, I sold the last one yesterday to Mr. Patrick Henry. It was a doozy, too. He says it all the time now. He's all "Give me this or give me death", "Give me that or give me death."
PR: I am in great need.
SK: Okay, what's the set-up for this ride?
PR: I am to watch the North Church for the signal that the British are invading, lanterns in the tower. One if by land, two if by sea.
SK: Hey, that was the phrase I sold the guy at the church. Is he with you?
PR: He is.
SK: Then I can give you a group discount.
PR: Upon the signal, I am to saddle up and ride to Concord and Lexington, warning the people.
SK: Ah! There's a horse. I have it then. As you mount your steed you cry, "Hi-ho-Silver!" You're a silversmith. It's perfect!
PR: And you came so highly recommended. Listen, all I want is a phrase to arouse the countrymen.
SK: How about, "Hey, good lookin'"
PR: It has to be a cry that will empty out the houses.
SK: Yell "Shark!"
PR: That will empty the houses?
SK: Works at the beach.
PR: This is not working out.
SK: Hold on, hold on, pewter-boy, we'll lick this yet. Now, you want a war cry. Who is it for?
PR: The minutemen.
SK: Who are the minutemen?
PR: Soldiers.
SK: Why are they called minutemen?
PR: Because they will be ready in a minute.
SK: Ready for what?
PR: (getting mad) To fight!
SK: Fight who?
PR: The British!
SK: Why?
PR: Because the British are coming, the British are coming!
SK: There you go, your catch-phrase.
PR: The British are coming. I like it.
SK: Fine. That will be five pounds six, sir.
PR: Five pounds six? For what? I thought of it.
SK: Coaching, sir.
PR: Coaching?? I won't pay it!
SK: Is that your final answer?
PR: I'm leaving, and you won't have me to kick around anymore!
SK: Can I quote you?
(bell tingles, door slams)
AN: Tune in next time for "Ye Old Catch-Phrase Shoppe" when we hear the shopkeep say,
SK: Sure, Mr. Washington, you can say "I cannot tell a lie," but how will you be able to be President then?
AN: That's next time on "Ye Old Catch-Phrase Shoppe."
end
