Category: Sketchy Tales - Dan Fiorella: Writer @ large

Dan Fiorella

Sketchy Tales-Still a Barber After all These Years

8/22/2020

This post may spin out into another series of posts, but in the mean time, let me share what happened to me last week...

I got a haircut! There's slightly more to it than that. I went to the hair salon and they brought me in to the available barber, an older gentleman who looked like he's been around enough scalps to handle himself. There was some initial chit-chat about the pandemic, wearing the mask, social distancing. The usual laments about the area stores not being able to open yet and how hard it is for them. Then he adds, "Yeah, somebody oughta smash Cuomo's head with a baseball bat." I got kinda quiet after that. He, however, was on a roll. "Trump's gotta send in the troops to straighten stuff out!" "How can a bartender be a senator?" (I responded, "Well, they say anyone can be president, so I guess anyone can be a senator." I should also note here, she's not a senator, but a Congresswoman.). "The cops' hands are tied! How can the people tie the cops' hands like that?" (They're the people, I didn't respond). "You know how she got to be senator?" (back to her) "She's got all that money." ("Oh," I do respond, "she's one of those rich bartenders...") I mean, I'm not going to argue with the guy. He's cutting my hair! He's got scissors! He's got a razor! I can't even simply nod (did I mention he's cutting my hair?), so I just kept saying "Uh-huh. Uh-huh." He finished up, I paid the inflated price of the haircut and gave him a decent tip for having to work during a pandemic. But I remember thinking, "This should be a skit!" Then I remembered I wrote that skit, like 30 years ago! It was apolitical, but getting a haircut from an angry barber was the premise!

The skit was preformed by the Staten Island comedy group, "Generation Sketch" back in the 90's. They recorded it for the local public access channel. I had uploaded a number of my sketches on Youtube, but I realized as I started to think about this post that I never uploaded the barber sketch! So I had to pull out my VHS tape (google it) and run it through my digital converter and here we are!

I present for the first time in a generation:

Generation Sketch: Still a Barber After All These Years

Barely Home Companion: Take Two (01/01)

1/17/2020

From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...

This is one of those Barely Home Companion tales that has a happier ending. Since I never throw anything out, a few years after this got rejected by PHC, I submitted it to another radio content producer and they produced it! It's a straight-forward comedy sketch. In no way did I even attempt to tie it into the PHC format or regulars. It was just a funny audio bit. It's another one of those thing where I don't remember how or where it came from. After the script, I'm including the audio from the version that did get made.

Take Two

Barely Home Companion - Bush State o'Union Address 2004

1/13/2020

From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...

Back in 2004 there wasn't a heck of a lot of post-State Of The Union follow-up comedy. But that year Bush took a moment to speak out against steroid use in baseball, and while it is a valid concern, many wondered why it came up in a SOTU address. But that remark was the inspiration for a sketch: other things the President didn't get to bring up or fully explain. The bit went well and was surprisingly true to the script I submitted. Yet, there was no credit for me, on air or on the website. I noticed that there's no credit for Keillor online either.

This is a bitter sweet sketch for me, it's the last sketch of mine that they used. I actually continued to submit to the show for the remainder of the 2003-2004 season, and the next two beyond--I was even sending material well into 2007, and occasionally after that--but none of it was acknowledged. I was not really fired, no one asked me to go away, I just petered out. I just wasn't making the cut and after a while of that I just stopped sending things in. It was sad and frustrating but unsurprising based on all my previous experience there.

Writing is a solitary profession. I always dreamed of joining that comedy room or being part of a team. I wanted to belong to something that I wanted to belong to. Style Without Substance, the WGAE, the Plague, PHC, workshops, but something always eluded me. Sometimes they ended and it felt like I was dropped to the curb. Mostly it involves my lack of social skills, I'm civil, personable but I'm an introvert and can't exist outside my comfort zone for long. When my excuse for being with people ends, I am incapable of maintaining that relationship. It's happened with classmates, committee members and co-writers. I just retreat to my hidey-hole and look for the next place to mail by submissions out to.

Years ago, I was once talking with my friend; we were both writing and we both had day jobs. I hadn't really told anyone at work about what I did on the side and I asked him if he had. He promptly said no. And it was never something he considered. To him, "writer" was his secret identity and his super power. Sometimes I forget that. I'm a writer. Yes, there's the day job and the family and the chores and the kids, but the core issue remains; I'm a writer. And the fact is, working on this blog has reminded me of that. It's not a stellar career but it it mind.

Anyway, on Jan. 24, 2004, PHC presented my State o'Union sketch (with my original script posted below).

Bush State o'Union Address 2004

Sketchy Tales: Christmas Edition - Do You Know the Way to Santa Claus? (12/00)

12/22/2019

This was the first thing I sold to ACN radio. Granted, it was massively rewritten, but the idea of substituting "Santa Claus" for "San Jose" was totally mine. For the season, I pulled out the original parody lyrics, then I'm pasting the produced version below. I liked my version a lot, even working it into one of my screenplays.

Do You Know the Way to Santa Claus
by Dan Fiorella
(sung to the tune of "Do You Know the Way to San Jose?")

Do you know the way to Santa Claus?
I've been away so long, my life's gone wrong, I need a pause.
Do you know the way to Santa Claus?
I'm going back to find some peace on earth with Santa Claus.

Noel is a great big season.
Spend a hundred now, and spend some more.
In a week, maybe two, you're back in the store.
Changing gifts and stuff back into cash.
And all the toys you treasured so
Are broken now and in the trash.

I need to believe in Santa Claus.
He's got a lot to give, not just to kids, but to us all.
I was born and raised on Santa Claus.
I'm going back to find some jingle time with Santa Claus.

The North Pole should be a magnet.
It's the place where Christmas spirit reigns.
Free of greed and the deeds that drive you insane.
Santa is the man who shows the way;
With peace on earth, good will toward man
and that's the point of Christmas day.

We've all got a friend in Santa Claus.
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-hoooo.
Do you know the ways of Santa Claus?
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-hoooo.
Can't wait to get back to Santa Claus!
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-hoooo.

Sketchy Tales: Buy-agra

7/17/2019

It's a Prairie Home Companion sketch story with a happy ending. I wrote up this piece back in December of 2000 and they passed on it. Too heavy on the double-entendres? Maybe. But I kept it handy afterward.

By December of 2004, I had started freelancing for American Comedy Network, which produced comedy pieces which were then syndicated to radio stations all over the country that subscribed to their service.

Much of the more generic, less topical material that I created for PHC got routed over to ACN (in addition to new stuff). I had a pretty good success rate with them. Coming up on Christmas, Buy-agra was a perfect shopping season sketch that could play off-season as well. Malls were still a thing back then, you have to realize and Black Fridays were the Hunger Games of retail. So, here's the PHC version followed by the ACN production, with a shout out to my old pharmaceutical company, Ulti-med.

Buy-agra

Barely Home Companion: CAFE BOUEF/NRA 5/00

3/15/2019

From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...

Once upon a time, the National Rifle Association thought it was going to open a theme restaurant in New York City (Suck on that, Dr. Jekyll's! Later for you, Mission to Mars!) As PHC was in NYC that the time, it seemed like something to go for. And what better way than to run it through one of their regular bits, Cafe Bouef, the snooty French restaurant. I think it came out pretty well. It over lapped pretty well with my own penchant for writing restaurant sketches. However, they did not. And it was kind of a typical bit that would not lend itself to re-submission later on to others, so it's just been loitering on my hard drive until now...

CAFE BOUEF: NRA Edition

Barely Home Companion: PSEUDO-PHOTOS 4/2000

3/11/2019

From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...

Before there was Photoshop, before there was airbrushing, there was Pseudo-Photos. This is one of those sketches from college that my partner and I never gave up on. Also, it was always something I would wind up submitting to any comedy troupe that was looking for material. The sketch had gotten on its feet once, for a public-access cable show many years before. So, basically, no one had seen it. I was in that production of the sketch, which is one of the reasons that I don't do sketch comedy. As I was constantly throwing material at the PHC machine, I was unceasingly bouncing between new material and evergreen sketches I had in my filing cabinet. PHC didn't buy the sketch. So, I'm posting it here and as an extra bonus, I'm including the version I did for the show "Big B's Travelling Sideshow;" Which is a topic for another day...

PSEUDO-PHOTOS

Sketchy Tales: American Idol Edition - Soul Patrol

3/3/2019

Well, the new season kicks off tonight, just I post the last of the old season. I tried to avoid doubling up on singers getting attacked in the ads, but poor Taylor Hicks got hit twice, but the two topics were too rich not to go after, especially when you've kinda milked the premise and ran out of terrible things to say about people who looked pretty nice (except Pickler. We all knew). Anyway, this was the final in the AI Negative Ad campaign series...

Sketchy Tales: American Idol Edition - Mandisa

3/2/2019

Wow, this many posts in a week you'd think I'd have something to say! As we approach the start of AI '19, I wanted to show off and bring out my old ACN sketches written back in 2008. ACN had great production values and they were churning out this material constantly. They were always open to new ideas and playing around within the format. I was thrilled that I had come upon a new way to satirize a show without too much overhead; a few bars of the theme, an announcer talks and, boom, you're done. Wish I had some kind of trademark on the thing...

Sketchy Tales: American Idol Edition - Paris

3/1/2019

Sure, in March 2008, negative political ads were around long enough to be a comedy troupe, but then, the negativity was pretty much confined to the ad. People didn't feel the need to take it on the road. YET. Of course, applying that level of vitriol to a singing competition is so off-kilter that it made perfect comedy sense. I was very happy the way these things out. There was a good amount of re-writing on a couple of them, but once the template was set, I didn't feel as bad about the changes.

comedy, writer, Dan Fiorella, Daniel fiorella, screenplay, sketches,radio,computer games, television writer