 Ok, so a new movie just came out and I'm a little bit more excited about it than I usually would be. The movie "Free Guy" is hitting theaters and I'm thrilled that someone I know is in it! Mark Lainer is an actor I met back in 1988 or so as part of a comedy troupe I became involved with. I've written about Style Without Substance many times on the blog. They were a remarkable group of talented people. It really was an exciting and creative time in my life and I was thrilled to be part of a team.
Mark was an incredibly funny actor (and totally still is). Any part you handed him--mime, priest, colorizer, beach nerd--were much improved by his presence. We did a lot of sketches together and I was lucky enough to get tapes of some of them. I want to share them here.  From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things... Man, I just wouldn't give up. The season was winding down and I was pulling stuff out of the trunk, big time. Again, despite the lack of success of my Storeman's Pet Place or Storeman's Travel Agency, I submitted yet another store sketch. This one has a slightly more interesting life. It's one of my early sketches, when I was deep in my Monty Python phase. I was really trying to come up with a replacement for my Pet Store sketch, something solid I could use as a sample. The storekeeper was becoming a more unhinged Groucho, or a less tall John Cleese. The character does ricochet all over the place, personality-wise. But it was a contest to see how many absurd lines l could come up with for some of the straightest lines I could dole out. It's a litany of puns, absurdity, wisecracks and darkness. Years after I wrote it, I submitted to a group of young adults who were doing a sketch comedy show on Manhattan Public Access TV. They liked the bit and took me and a couple of friends on as writers. That will be a tale for another day. But, they did produce the Plant Store and I included that version at the end. Excuse the bad picture ratio, this was one of the first videos I attempted to transfer from a VHS tape to digital and I never quite got control of the aspect ratio. So, as I attempted to keep my presence felt at PHC, I submitted this to them, after re-fitting it to kinda fit the format of the show. It, too, was rejected but only in the sense they didn't use it. It's not like anyone was writing back to me saying, "no thank you." Storeman Plant Store 
From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
So, it was time to recycle some material. I've recycled this bit so many times, I've forgotten when I did it. It was a parody of local newscasts that would race to be the first ones on the scene and their live reports were pointless because they didn't know anything, because they just rushed to the scene and went on air. My favorite would be the newscopter that would hover over a scene and try to explain what was going on from hundreds of feet in the air! So I took it to the next level, where the newsvan and helicopters were actually affecting the events or they were trying to create mayhem so they could report it. I submitted it to a summer network pilot, "Where's the Party" and they used some parts. A few years I reworked it for radio. PHC had introduced some characters who did breaking news, so I adapted it to that. PHC didn't use the bit. I re-worked it again and it got picked up by one of the radio syndicators I freelanced for, and they broke it up, (as written) into a running gag. I'll attach all the versions after the PHC version. It's one of those solid bits I wrote that eventually found a home. Yay!
NPR NEWS FLASH
From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
This is a heavily recycled bit. I had come up with a couple of sketches and pitched them as a series of black-outs for an ABC comedy pilot called "Where's the Party," a sketch-comedy-music-talk show. I honestly don't remember how the idea came about, but there were a series of sketches about a news team that was so desperate to be the first on the air that they caused the problems. It got produced in 1991. The bits got scaled back a bit (as you'll see in the video below) for budget reasons. But the radio version went all out again, as originally written. So I pulled them out and submitted it to PHC. They didn't go for it. Years later (I think 2010) I submitted to the All Star production Network and they did do two of the full sketches. I'm including them below, as well. So, again, first rule of comedy writing, Never Throw Anything Out.
NPR News This post may spin out into another series of posts, but in the mean time, let me share what happened to me last week... I got a haircut! There's slightly more to it than that. I went to the hair salon and they brought me in to the available barber, an older gentleman who looked like he's been around enough scalps to handle himself. There was some initial chit-chat about the pandemic, wearing the mask, social distancing. The usual laments about the area stores not being able to open yet and how hard it is for them. Then he adds, "Yeah, somebody oughta smash Cuomo's head with a baseball bat." I got kinda quiet after that. He, however, was on a roll. "Trump's gotta send in the troops to straighten stuff out!" "How can a bartender be a senator?" (I responded, "Well, they say anyone can be president, so I guess anyone can be a senator." I should also note here, she's not a senator, but a Congresswoman.). "The cops' hands are tied! How can the people tie the cops' hands like that?" (They're the people, I didn't respond). "You know how she got to be senator?" (back to her) "She's got all that money." ("Oh," I do respond, "she's one of those rich bartenders...") I mean, I'm not going to argue with the guy. He's cutting my hair! He's got scissors! He's got a razor! I can't even simply nod (did I mention he's cutting my hair?), so I just kept saying "Uh-huh. Uh-huh." He finished up, I paid the inflated price of the haircut and gave him a decent tip for having to work during a pandemic. But I remember thinking, "This should be a skit!" Then I remembered I wrote that skit, like 30 years ago! It was apolitical, but getting a haircut from an angry barber was the premise! The skit was preformed by the Staten Island comedy group, "Generation Sketch" back in the 90's. They recorded it for the local public access channel. I had uploaded a number of my sketches on Youtube, but I realized as I started to think about this post that I never uploaded the barber sketch! So I had to pull out my VHS tape (google it) and run it through my digital converter and here we are! I present for the first time in a generation: Generation Sketch: Still a Barber After All These Years
From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
This is one of those Barely Home Companion tales that has a happier ending. Since I never throw anything out, a few years after this got rejected by PHC, I submitted it to another radio content producer and they produced it! It's a straight-forward comedy sketch. In no way did I even attempt to tie it into the PHC format or regulars. It was just a funny audio bit. It's another one of those thing where I don't remember how or where it came from. After the script, I'm including the audio from the version that did get made.
Take Two
From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
Back in 2004 there wasn't a heck of a lot of post-State Of The Union follow-up comedy. But that year Bush took a moment to speak out against steroid use in baseball, and while it is a valid concern, many wondered why it came up in a SOTU address. But that remark was the inspiration for a sketch: other things the President didn't get to bring up or fully explain. The bit went well and was surprisingly true to the script I submitted. Yet, there was no credit for me, on air or on the website. I noticed that there's no credit for Keillor online either.
This is a bitter sweet sketch for me, it's the last sketch of mine that they used. I actually continued to submit to the show for the remainder of the 2003-2004 season, and the next two beyond--I was even sending material well into 2007, and occasionally after that--but none of it was acknowledged. I was not really fired, no one asked me to go away, I just petered out. I just wasn't making the cut and after a while of that I just stopped sending things in. It was sad and frustrating but unsurprising based on all my previous experience there. Writing is a solitary profession. I always dreamed of joining that comedy room or being part of a team. I wanted to belong to something that I wanted to belong to. Style Without Substance, the WGAE, the Plague, PHC, workshops, but something always eluded me. Sometimes they ended and it felt like I was dropped to the curb. Mostly it involves my lack of social skills, I'm civil, personable but I'm an introvert and can't exist outside my comfort zone for long. When my excuse for being with people ends, I am incapable of maintaining that relationship. It's happened with classmates, committee members and co-writers. I just retreat to my hidey-hole and look for the next place to mail by submissions out to. Years ago, I was once talking with my friend; we were both writing and we both had day jobs. I hadn't really told anyone at work about what I did on the side and I asked him if he had. He promptly said no. And it was never something he considered. To him, "writer" was his secret identity and his super power. Sometimes I forget that. I'm a writer. Yes, there's the day job and the family and the chores and the kids, but the core issue remains; I'm a writer. And the fact is, working on this blog has reminded me of that. It's not a stellar career but it it mind. Anyway, on Jan. 24, 2004, PHC presented my State o'Union sketch (with my original script posted below). Bush State o'Union Address 2004
This was the first thing I sold to ACN radio. Granted, it was massively rewritten, but the idea of substituting "Santa Claus" for "San Jose" was totally mine. For the season, I pulled out the original parody lyrics, then I'm pasting the produced version below. I liked my version a lot, even working it into one of my screenplays.
Do You Know the Way to Santa Claus
by Dan Fiorella (sung to the tune of "Do You Know the Way to San Jose?") Do you know the way to Santa Claus? I've been away so long, my life's gone wrong, I need a pause. Do you know the way to Santa Claus? I'm going back to find some peace on earth with Santa Claus. Noel is a great big season. Spend a hundred now, and spend some more. In a week, maybe two, you're back in the store. Changing gifts and stuff back into cash. And all the toys you treasured so Are broken now and in the trash. I need to believe in Santa Claus. He's got a lot to give, not just to kids, but to us all. I was born and raised on Santa Claus. I'm going back to find some jingle time with Santa Claus. The North Pole should be a magnet. It's the place where Christmas spirit reigns. Free of greed and the deeds that drive you insane. Santa is the man who shows the way; With peace on earth, good will toward man and that's the point of Christmas day. We've all got a friend in Santa Claus. Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-hoooo. Do you know the ways of Santa Claus? Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-hoooo. Can't wait to get back to Santa Claus! Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-hoooo.
By December of 2004, I had started freelancing for American Comedy Network, which produced comedy pieces which were then syndicated to radio stations all over the country that subscribed to their service.
Much of the more generic, less topical material that I created for PHC got routed over to ACN (in addition to new stuff). I had a pretty good success rate with them. Coming up on Christmas, Buy-agra was a perfect shopping season sketch that could play off-season as well. Malls were still a thing back then, you have to realize and Black Fridays were the Hunger Games of retail. So, here's the PHC version followed by the ACN production, with a shout out to my old pharmaceutical company, Ulti-med. Buy-agra |
Dan FiorellaFreelance writer, still hacking away. 
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