Cc: @POTUS, @RudyColludy, @LevParnas, @ThatIgorFruman
RE: Online Video Pitches
We’re looking at the numbers on the recent video we shared on Twitter and they are insane! The video blew up big time. The people love seeing the President portrayed in a copyrighted clip as Thanos as he’s about to disintegrate the entire universe! When combined with the number of views of our tremendous “Game of Thrones” build-the-wall meme, you can see we have this election in the bag! So, with that in mind, we’ve been going through Wikipedia (not Wikileaks; LOL) to find more iconic and trademarked pop-culture characters we can infringe on. It’s quite a list!
Auric Goldfinger: this was a no brainer! Who loves gold more than Mr. Trump? Picture the scene where James Bond is tied to a table with a laser working its way up toward his groinal regions. Only, in the clip, we’ll put Nancy Pelosi’s face on Bond. So when she says, “Do you expect me to talk?” and Goldfinger/Trump replies “No, I expect you to die” our supporters will go nuts. Many clinically.
Dr. Hannibal Lecter: Style, wit, grace, intellect-who better displays these Trumpian characteristics than Dr. Lecter from “Silence of the Lambs”? We all agree that we should use the scene where Lecter silences all the lambs, i.e., the braying Democrats.
Zombie from “Return of the Living Dead”: We can have Zombie Trump trying to eat the brains of the Democratic leadership, but he keeps saying “These Democrats have no brains!” (If he hasn’t said it already, maybe work the phrase into his next rally) and “I’m still hungry!” (which we’re very sure is on file somewhere).
Jack Torrance: This is Jack Nicholson in “The Shining.” Just imagine having Mr. Trump come busting through the door saying “Here’s MAGA!” while Hillary (or Nancy or Barrack or James Comey or whoever’s on Mr. Trump’s Most Wanted list that week) screams in terror? That’s Trumpism in a nutshell, baby!
The Emperor from “Star Wars”: Lifetime ruler alert! Picture the scene where Emperor Palpatine (now Mr. Trump) tells Luke (now Adam Schiff) “It is of no concern. Soon the rebellion will be crushed.” Or something like that. If that doesn’t make people want to join the Trump Empire, then nothing will!
Lord Voldemort: What could be more dramatic and uplifting for the Republicans then the scene where Lord Donald finally strikes down his mortal enemy, Hillary Potter, with the forbidden spell of “Avada Kedavra” which, we believe, is Latin for “Lock her up!”
Godzilla: Hey, when you think about destroying a corrupt town like Washington D.C., what comes to mind quicker than Godzilla? Imagine Mr. Trump’s head over Godzilla’s as he stomps through town screaming “Drain the swamp” or “Lock her up” (depending on focus group feedback) and we can turn the fleeing populous as members of the Demon-cratic Party (pretty good, right? I just made that up now). In fact, we can lift a whole clip of fleeing Democrats from the Daily Show and their “World War D” footage. I’m sure they won’t mind, either.
Gollum: Okay, he’s another gold-phile, but we can have the scene were Frodo is trying to throw the ring (say, the Constitution) into the flaming fires of Mount Doom and Gollum/Trump leaps out and rescues the ring, yelling: “My precious! My precious,” which would totally be in character for Mr. Trump and his love of the Constitution.
Get back to me on any of these ideas. Me and Lester are ready to put any one of them together! And wait until you see the amazing fake Time covers we’re prepping! And we’ll make sure we don’t send out this text as a tweet again!
Here's a topical piece and I lost my site that took topical pieces. Maybe I'll turn it into a sketch, but these days with the news cycles, no one will remember...
Ok, I’ve seen “The Avengers: Endgame,” and I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was an amazing achievement of wrapping up 11 years and 21 movies that all occur in the same cinematic universe. Think of it as an epic “Happy Days,” “Laverne & Shirley” and “Mork & Mindy” cross-over event on “Law & Order.”
But, here’s the thing:
Happy Easter! And here's my addition to your basket, my Easter piece for Cracked magazine, #343, May 2000!
Got an article posted over at The Big Jewel, home of Big Comedy and not jewels. I wrote it a few years ago, when I was working on PHC and other radio venues. It started as a piece for our local paper where it began with me kinda bragging about my work in radio. It was a thousand word article, originally, with lots of digressions and odd samples of radio history. I got it down to about 500 words to submit to The Big Jewel and here it is.
Screensnap below links to the site...
From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
Here's one of those bits that never dies. I present it now because just barely touches on Easter. This started as a prose piece, just a list of recipes written down by Julia Childish. It included a recipe for Easter Egg Salad, which didn't make the jump to sketch form. It was fairly easy to turn it into a radio skit, I just brought in the character of Julia Childish to walk us through the recipes. I must confess that the Julia Childish here is Dan Aykroyd doing Julia Child. I didn't really know the French Chef. After this version, I just went back to submitting the prose version, also without much success. I can see where it didn't get used by PHC (too many Oreos references?) but I thought I caught GK's voice very well and the interplay between the two characters was solid and they had done a Julia Child character before. Oh, well.
And who won't want to find a copy of "Novel Concept" in their Easter basket? You can get yours at Amazon, hard copy or digital. It's a wacky, crazy tale of a young author on a quest to write the perfect history of the Pony Express but who then gets seriously sidetracked by stowaways, French heiresses, drug lords, mythical kingdoms and murderous Senators. It's a serious of unfortunate events all in ONE book!
Julia Childish Cooking Segment
Got a piece posted over at The Big Jewel, home of Big Comedy and not jewels. Screensnap below links to the site...
Here's a spot-on example of when parody becomes reality...
And here's a piece I wrote in November 2017 which I thought captured the spirit of the times. My Mt. Vernon joke got cut, but I had gone in a different direction with it any way (see below).
“Was Vernon good looking? Is that why Washington was always mounting her?”
As Valentine's Day approaches, we celebrate love, even the creepy, stalker kind. After having stumbled onto Craig's List and its "Missed Connections" listings, I got pulled in pretty deep. There are some remarkable posts on there. And some scary ones. Naturally, I got inspired by the latter.
The piece was submitted to the gang over at The Big Jewel and they went for it. I've got a screen cap of the beginning below which links to the article at the site.
Sure, it's a shaky start to the Valentine season but that was just the luck of the draw...
This blog post is brought to you by "Love and Other Distractions" the anthology for charity! Fifteen Hollywood writers spin tales of romance and more! And it includes the Nick Flebber short story, "Cupid is as Cupid Does." Get your copy today at Amazon!
There were a couple of New Year's Eves where people were worried that it would be the last. 2013, for instance, where the Mayan calendar ended it's configurations, so, naturally, everyone assumed time was up, because ancient civilizations could really be counted on for that type of information. I was deep into my "list" phase, where all my prose material came out as lists of something or other. I wrote up this bit and sent it to The Big Jewel, optimistically in 2012, figuring "what are the odds of the world actually ending?" I post it here, it links back to The Big Jewel.
We present this holiday comedy to remind you that my Christmas Comedy Caper, "Lost Claus" is available over at Amazon. So buy your copy today and avoid the mid-holiday rush!
Freelance writer, still hacking away.