Category: Adventures In Hardly Wood

Dodging a Bullet Point!

10/19/2022

A few weeks ago, a friend came into the city to visit and we met up for dinner at his favorite steakhouse in midtown. He’s been to this restaurant many, many times. When we got there and he claimed his reservation, the head waiter fawned over him relentlessly, because he was such a valued diner. He was filling our water glasses as soon as we sipped the water. He hovered to make sure everything was up to expectations. He announced that dessert would be on him. Then a celebrity entered the restaurant and the obsequious waiter disappeared as he shifted his attention to this new arrival. We barely got our dessert (he tried to talk us out of it) and it took 30 minutes to get the check. We had gotten thrown over for the new king of late night TV, Greg Gutfeld...

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Certificate of Achievement: Hitler's Script

5/4/2021

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I got a certificate of achievement! My screenplay, "Hitler's Script," was a finalist in the 4th Dimension Independent Film Festival!

They said they thoroughly enjoyed the work and want me to send us more!

On my way, baby!
Festival Director

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Stalkin' Good News!

5/22/2020

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I got word this week that the short horror/comedy I co-wrote, "Steamed," has been selected to screen at The Yellow Fever Indie Film Festival in Northern Ireland! I'm so excited for my co-writer/director/horror icon, Beverly Bonner, and the rest of the crew and cast. I even had a cameo in it! Fingers crossed!

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Adventures in Hardly-wood - Swapping Roles

6/5/2019

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Back in May of 2016, I came upon a Craig’s List ad entitled “Seeking Comedy Writer for major studio venture.” It wasn't...

The "Up the Creek" producer passed on the 30 page sample spec script Christian had sent him. I couldn't say I was surprised. As I had told Christian, you don't get a second chance to make a first impression. Granted, I don't do raunchy, but I thought I had a decent wacky PG comedy script going. But the guy had seen the bad version first, so there was little chance of wowing him with a warmed-over version of a warmed over concept. Sure, Christian dismissed the rejection as "ego" on the producer's part but these things hardly ever work out. I think we tainted the well. Anyway, Chris was pretty quick to abandon the whole idea just like that. He was already focus on the next shiny object.

I told Christian the only good thing about the rejection was I only wasted my time writing 30 pages instead of 90, then closed my email reply to him with "As for Trading Places, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it."

Minutes later he replied. He was convinced we were at that bridge.

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Adventures in Hardly-wood: Trading Places

6/3/2019

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Back in May of 2016, I came upon a Craig’s List want ad entitled “Seeking Comedy Writer for major studio venture.” Nothing in that sentence would work out.

To review, during the months of June and July, Christian came to me to write a "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels" remake, a "Firelight" remake, a "Close Encounters" sequel, get him some connections on other "projects" he was working on and write an "Up the Creek" remake.

While I was prepping for "Mr. 'Up the Creek' Producer," Christian began inundating me with his latest brainstorm:

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Adventures in Hardly-wood: Up the Creek

5/31/2019

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Back in May of 2016, I came upon a Craig’s List want ad entitled “Seeking Comedy Writer for major studio venture.” It was anything but.

Dear Dan. I have a Comedy Writing Assignment for you, if would like to take. It is to write a remake of the 1984 Comedy Film "UP THE CREEK" for a all new Reboot endeavor. I have spoken with the Producer of this very film that is willing to read a reboot script for further determinations!! So Dan, for the all considering of process, I have provided below the original 1984 screenplay draft from the original writer, and along with a Veoh video link to where you can watch the original 1984 90 minute film in its entirety. The film if you may recall starred comic stars Tim Matheson and Stephen Furst (both of "Animal House"), and Dan Monahan (of "Porky's"), kindly overlook all, and upon after, let me know if you think you'd be all game to start, whether if today, or over the weekend, to initiate scripting a very fateful 90 page screenplay for a very promising Up The Creek reboot for an aimed 2017 theatrical release. This one might be well worth it too! Kindly reach out at any time. Thank you! All the Best. Christian Elias

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Adventures in Hardly-wood: Christian the Poet

5/29/2019

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Back in May of 2016, I came upon a Craig’s List want ad entitled “Seeking Comedy Writer for major studio venture.” It wasn't...

So, during the months of June and July, Christian came to me to write a "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels" remake, a "Firelight" remake, a "Close Encounters" sequel and get him some connections on other "projects" he was working on. Then this random item arrives to my inbox:

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Adventures in Hardly-wood: Close Encounters of the 4th Kind

5/27/2019

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Ok, so I answer this ad for a “major studio venture.” Turns out it’s some guy pitching a remake of “Dirty Rotten Scoundrels” and asks for my take on it. In mid-pitch, he pulls that project and replaces it with his latest…

So, rewinding a bit, Elias was hot for a "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels" remake. Then that gets pushed aside for a "Firelight" remake. Additionally, I'm supposed to ask my manager for an agent so he can submit a "Van Wilder" sequel to someone.

Then I get another email...

Hi Dan. New inquiry this evening, The Groove Tube Reboot. For Producers.

Wed 7/6/2016 12:44 AM

Hi Dan. While we await to see if there may be a responding agent to submit the Van Wilder Sequel to the Van Wilder right holders. A new inquiry this evening I have is if you may know any Producers who may favor to participate to a Reboot of the 1974 classic lampoon comedy The Groove Tube. I have Buzzy Linhart from the original film in interest to aboard the Reboot, can you kindly circulate my request for Producers to engage interest per a Reboot to The Groove Tube. Thank you. Best. Christian

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Adventures in Hardly-wood: Firelight

5/22/2019

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Christian Elias, our aspiring producer, sends me an email with big news: “Steven Spielberg’s Publicist Granted Me Permission Today to Remake ‘Firefly,’ Steven’s First Film.” And that’s just the Subject line!

Pasted into the email was some data about this home movie Spielberg made while in high school. It was a “science fiction type predecessor to “Close Encounters of the Third Kind.” Elias then told me his plan, to remake the film based on the publicist’s promise to view the movie upon completion. This is a plan? Two hours later he emailed me again to explain the plan; make a movie on spec as “the chance of a lifetime to win Steven Spielberg’s camp over with new film creation, to [sic] of his very first film when he was still in high school at the age of 17 back in 1964.” Again, this is a plan?

So right out of the gate, I’m confused; the Wikipedia link he sent me lists the film as 135 minutes long, and he’s talking about it like it’s a short and wants 15 pages. So, I questioned him about the soundness of doing a “movie on spec.” His reply mansplained it all to me:

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A Face for Podcasts: Fun Ideas #7

11/2/2018

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Hey, internet! I'm on a podcast! Mark Arnold, author and curator of pop culture, invited me to be on his Fun Ideas podcast! We talked about many things, but mostly me. We met online years ago when he was working on a book about Cracked magazine. So the podcast starts there and goes far afield. He posted it on Youtube. Also, I talked A LOT, so he broke it into two parts. What can I say, you get me wound up and that's what happens.

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Dodging a Bullet Point!

Certificate of Achievement: Hitler's Script

Stalkin' Good News!

Adventures in Hardly-wood - Swapping Roles

Adventures in Hardly-wood: Trading Places

Adventures in Hardly-wood: Up the Creek

Adventures in Hardly-wood: Christian the Poet

Adventures in Hardly-wood: Close Encounters of the 4th Kind

Adventures in Hardly-wood: Firelight

A Face for Podcasts: Fun Ideas #7

Dan Fiorella

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