From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
There are a couple of odd sketches about to pop up. These are older sketches, going back to college. I was very much in my Monty Python phase when I wrote this originally. I had done a number of store-set sketches through the years, always with a slightly demented store-keeper at the helm. It's a premise that goes back to my first sketch ever, The Pet Store, and continued through my years of writing for "Big B's Traveling Sideshow" (which I'll get to some day--there's video) and the Plant Store sketch. When I decide to pitch them to PHC, I pulled out the Martin Storeman name of the shop owner. I must have been in a major valley, creative-wise, because there's no way Keillor would go for this bit, even reworking the set-up a smidge, to work in the word "Minnesota" and make a last ditch effort to make it a commercial. I wasn't wrong (he didn't). It's just an outright goofy sketch that reminded me of a younger, more free and innocent writer version of myself. It's a theme we'll visit in a few weeks. Until then, here's;
Storeman Travel Agency
(GK, MS: Martin Storeman)
GK: This portion of the show is brought to you by the Storeman Travel Agency, where there motto is "We'll tell you where to go."
MS: Good day, may I help you?
GK: Yes, I've been selected to help plan this year's convention for the Sons of Minnesota.
MS: So? What do you want from me?
GK: Well, you're a travel agency,aren't you?
MS: Where'd you get that idea.
GK: The sign on the door.
MS: Don't believe everything you read.
GK: Who told you that?
MS: I read it somewhere.
GK: Look, the lodge sent me here. Can you book a trip for us?
MS: Of course. Now, what did you have in mind?
GK: We don't want to go to Atlantic City. Something different.
MS: You want an unconventional convention.
GK: I suppose.
MS: How about a week at Atlantic City?
GK: No.
MS: How about two weeks at Atlantic City?
GK: I don't see how that's different.
MS: You really need two weeks to really appreciate it. One week would be wasting everyone's time.
GK: Perhaps I could see some brochures.
MS: Sure. Any preference? You notice how I asked, as if your opinion really mattered.
GK: Yes, I appreciate that. Could I please see a brochure of Puerto Rico?
MS: No.
GK: Okay. How about Bermuda?
MS: No.
GK: Las Vegas.
MS: Forget it.
GK: I would point out that these are very popular places.
MS: Maybe so, but they are on my list.
GK: What list?
MS: These places offend me. The mere mention of their names drives me to the point of insanity.
GK: Why do they offend you?
MS: Different reasons. Like the Philippines. Did you know that they spell the name of the country with a "Ph" but they spell the nationality with an "F"?
GK: So?
MS: Why can't they make up their minds? I hate indecisiveness!
GK: You do?
MS: I sure do! Sometimes. Do I? Yeah, I do. Almost always.
GK: I'll just go back to the lodge and tell the sons---
MS: Tell them what? That they gave you a job to do and you failed? They'll bounce you out, you disgusting little failure.
GK: You're right. Could I see a brochure for Mexico?
MS: No.
GK: The list?
MS: The list.
GK: Are there a lot of places on that list?
MS: Scores.
GK: Did you miss any places?
MS: A few.
GK: Any hints?
MS: What? Make it easy for you, you wimp?
GK: Los Angeles.
MS: No.
GK: Hawaii?
MS: Let me check.
GK: At last.
MS: I have one---
GK: I'll take it.
MS: ---but the dog piddled on it.
GK: Perhaps the lodge will just hold a pot luck dinner instead.
MS: They'll blackball you.
GK: Can you recommend anything?
MS: Why don't you get out of the country?
GK: I'm not sure the lodge can afford that.
MS: For crying out loud, man, stand up and be counted. Make a decision. I hate indecisiveness! Don't I?
GK: Yes, you do.
MS: I thought so. Why don't you try the Scandinavian countries?
GK: Okay, Sweden?
MS: No.
GK: Norway?
MS: No. How about Denmark? You can go abroad and come back a broad.
GK: I don't think the Sons of Minnesota want to become Daughters.
MS: You can go to the far East. We have a vacation package to Krakatoa, East of Java.
GK: Excuse me, but Krakatoa is west of Java.
MS: West? West? Excuse me. (on phone) Hello? Harvey? It's Martin. Turn it around. It's west of Java.
GK: Please don't send us there.
MS: If you insist. We do have a wonderful trip to Antarctica. Go now and beat the crowds.
GK: No, I think the lodge was thinking more in terms of a beach resort.
MS: Shore?
GK: Positive.
MS: Like Club Med?
GK: Yes!
MS: They're on my list.
GK: Portugal?
MS: No.
GK: Taiwan.
MS: No way.
GK: Austria?
MS: Did you say Australia?
GK: No, Austria.
MS: Oh. Too bad.
GK: Why, do you have a brochure on Australian?
MS: No.
GK: Canada?
MS: Aah, Canada. Our neighbor to the north. A wonderful foreign country which isn't foreign. It has the best of the Old World and the New. The people are friendly and the
weather is superb.
GK: Canada sounds good.
MS: It makes me dry heave.
GK: On the list?
MS: Top ten.
GK: China.
MS: No.
GK: Korea.
MS: North or South?
GK: Does it matter?
MS: Not really.
GK: I think I'll be going then.
MS: (scary) I think you'd better continue.
GK: Britain?
MS: No.
GK: India?
MS: Ah! Mysterious India!
GK: Why is it so mysterious?
MS: We don't go there.
GK: I really don't see why I should keep on doing this.
MS: Because you were given a job to do, you sniveling simp! When the going get tough, the tough go on vacation. You can do it, too! Just persevere! Heavens, man, you haven't even
touched on South America!
GK: Would it be worth my while?
MS: Hard to say. Quite a number of countries there.
GK: Bolivia?
MS: No.
GK: Argentina?
MS: No.
GK: Chile?
MS: Yes, there is a draft in here.
GK: I meant the country.
MS: There's a country called Chile? That's silly!
GK: Ireland, Scotland, Holland, New Zealand, Greenland, Iceland, Togoland, Thailand, Lappland, England, Maryland? How about Andorra?
MS: Where?
GK: Andorra. A small semi-autonomous principality situated between France and Spain.
MS: You're making that up.
GK: No, really. Is it on your list?
MS: It is now! How dare they try to hide from me.
GK: You call yourself a travel agent?
MS: That's right I do. I have to. Lord knows the better business bureau won't.
GK: Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe I was supposed to plan the lodge softball game. You know what...I'm quitting the lodge. It's too stressful.
MS: Sounds like you can us a vacation!
TK: Storeman Travel Agency...where you think you going, huh?
end
GK: This portion of the show is brought to you by the Storeman Travel Agency, where there motto is "We'll tell you where to go."
MS: Good day, may I help you?
GK: Yes, I've been selected to help plan this year's convention for the Sons of Minnesota.
MS: So? What do you want from me?
GK: Well, you're a travel agency,aren't you?
MS: Where'd you get that idea.
GK: The sign on the door.
MS: Don't believe everything you read.
GK: Who told you that?
MS: I read it somewhere.
GK: Look, the lodge sent me here. Can you book a trip for us?
MS: Of course. Now, what did you have in mind?
GK: We don't want to go to Atlantic City. Something different.
MS: You want an unconventional convention.
GK: I suppose.
MS: How about a week at Atlantic City?
GK: No.
MS: How about two weeks at Atlantic City?
GK: I don't see how that's different.
MS: You really need two weeks to really appreciate it. One week would be wasting everyone's time.
GK: Perhaps I could see some brochures.
MS: Sure. Any preference? You notice how I asked, as if your opinion really mattered.
GK: Yes, I appreciate that. Could I please see a brochure of Puerto Rico?
MS: No.
GK: Okay. How about Bermuda?
MS: No.
GK: Las Vegas.
MS: Forget it.
GK: I would point out that these are very popular places.
MS: Maybe so, but they are on my list.
GK: What list?
MS: These places offend me. The mere mention of their names drives me to the point of insanity.
GK: Why do they offend you?
MS: Different reasons. Like the Philippines. Did you know that they spell the name of the country with a "Ph" but they spell the nationality with an "F"?
GK: So?
MS: Why can't they make up their minds? I hate indecisiveness!
GK: You do?
MS: I sure do! Sometimes. Do I? Yeah, I do. Almost always.
GK: I'll just go back to the lodge and tell the sons---
MS: Tell them what? That they gave you a job to do and you failed? They'll bounce you out, you disgusting little failure.
GK: You're right. Could I see a brochure for Mexico?
MS: No.
GK: The list?
MS: The list.
GK: Are there a lot of places on that list?
MS: Scores.
GK: Did you miss any places?
MS: A few.
GK: Any hints?
MS: What? Make it easy for you, you wimp?
GK: Los Angeles.
MS: No.
GK: Hawaii?
MS: Let me check.
GK: At last.
MS: I have one---
GK: I'll take it.
MS: ---but the dog piddled on it.
GK: Perhaps the lodge will just hold a pot luck dinner instead.
MS: They'll blackball you.
GK: Can you recommend anything?
MS: Why don't you get out of the country?
GK: I'm not sure the lodge can afford that.
MS: For crying out loud, man, stand up and be counted. Make a decision. I hate indecisiveness! Don't I?
GK: Yes, you do.
MS: I thought so. Why don't you try the Scandinavian countries?
GK: Okay, Sweden?
MS: No.
GK: Norway?
MS: No. How about Denmark? You can go abroad and come back a broad.
GK: I don't think the Sons of Minnesota want to become Daughters.
MS: You can go to the far East. We have a vacation package to Krakatoa, East of Java.
GK: Excuse me, but Krakatoa is west of Java.
MS: West? West? Excuse me. (on phone) Hello? Harvey? It's Martin. Turn it around. It's west of Java.
GK: Please don't send us there.
MS: If you insist. We do have a wonderful trip to Antarctica. Go now and beat the crowds.
GK: No, I think the lodge was thinking more in terms of a beach resort.
MS: Shore?
GK: Positive.
MS: Like Club Med?
GK: Yes!
MS: They're on my list.
GK: Portugal?
MS: No.
GK: Taiwan.
MS: No way.
GK: Austria?
MS: Did you say Australia?
GK: No, Austria.
MS: Oh. Too bad.
GK: Why, do you have a brochure on Australian?
MS: No.
GK: Canada?
MS: Aah, Canada. Our neighbor to the north. A wonderful foreign country which isn't foreign. It has the best of the Old World and the New. The people are friendly and the
weather is superb.
GK: Canada sounds good.
MS: It makes me dry heave.
GK: On the list?
MS: Top ten.
GK: China.
MS: No.
GK: Korea.
MS: North or South?
GK: Does it matter?
MS: Not really.
GK: I think I'll be going then.
MS: (scary) I think you'd better continue.
GK: Britain?
MS: No.
GK: India?
MS: Ah! Mysterious India!
GK: Why is it so mysterious?
MS: We don't go there.
GK: I really don't see why I should keep on doing this.
MS: Because you were given a job to do, you sniveling simp! When the going get tough, the tough go on vacation. You can do it, too! Just persevere! Heavens, man, you haven't even
touched on South America!
GK: Would it be worth my while?
MS: Hard to say. Quite a number of countries there.
GK: Bolivia?
MS: No.
GK: Argentina?
MS: No.
GK: Chile?
MS: Yes, there is a draft in here.
GK: I meant the country.
MS: There's a country called Chile? That's silly!
GK: Ireland, Scotland, Holland, New Zealand, Greenland, Iceland, Togoland, Thailand, Lappland, England, Maryland? How about Andorra?
MS: Where?
GK: Andorra. A small semi-autonomous principality situated between France and Spain.
MS: You're making that up.
GK: No, really. Is it on your list?
MS: It is now! How dare they try to hide from me.
GK: You call yourself a travel agent?
MS: That's right I do. I have to. Lord knows the better business bureau won't.
GK: Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe I was supposed to plan the lodge softball game. You know what...I'm quitting the lodge. It's too stressful.
MS: Sounds like you can us a vacation!
TK: Storeman Travel Agency...where you think you going, huh?
end
