From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
So, it was time to recycle some material. I've recycled this bit so many times, I've forgotten when I did it. It was a parody of local newscasts that would race to be the first ones on the scene and their live reports were pointless because they didn't know anything, because they just rushed to the scene and went on air. My favorite would be the newscopter that would hover over a scene and try to explain what was going on from hundreds of feet in the air! So I took it to the next level, where the newsvan and helicopters were actually affecting the events or they were trying to create mayhem so they could report it. I submitted it to a summer network pilot, "Where's the Party" and they used some parts. A few years I reworked it for radio. PHC had introduced some characters who did breaking news, so I adapted it to that. PHC didn't use the bit. I re-worked it again and it got picked up by one of the radio syndicators I freelanced for, and they broke it up, (as written) into a running gag. I'll attach all the versions after the PHC version. It's one of those solid bits I wrote that eventually found a home. Yay!
NPR NEWS FLASH
(GK, Linda Wertheimer, John Knotwright, SM: Stickup Man)
GK: I'm just getting word there's a late breaking story, so let's go to the news desk...
(THROBBING ELECTRONIC NEWS THEME)
TR: NPR News: First on the scene with a special report.
SS: This is Linda Wertheimer, NPR News, home of the NPR Newsvan, getting you to the story first. we're just getting word from our reporter, John Knotwright
TR: Hello? Is someone there? I just heard my name.
SS: John Knotwright in the exclusive NPR Newsvan, first on the scene. Are you there, John Knotwright?
TR: See, there it is again! Someone is definitely saying my name!
SS: John, it's Linda Wertheimer.
TR: Oh! Hi, Linda. What's up?
SS: John, we're on the air. We've gotten word that you are first on the scene of a daring daylight robbery.
TR: Yes, we in the Newsvan are dedicated to getting you the news first as it happens. Sure, being there in the middle of things while it's going on isn't really going to give our listeners and real insight on what's going on, heck, it doesn't even mean that we'll be getting the facts quite right. What it does mean is that we'll be there first, before everyone else.
SS: So, who was robbed? What is happening?
TR: Well, actually, no one has been robbed at this point. However, we are set up in a very bad neighborhood, so, really, it's only a matter of time before someone is robbed. Wait, someone is approaching...he's getting closer...he sounds very shady...no, no, just someone walking his dog.
SS: So no one has been robbed?
TR: Not thus far.
(banging and clanging noises begin)
SS: So you have nothing to report.
TR: We do have a story developing at this very moment. A serious water main break. I don't have to tell you Linda that a water main break can cause quite a bit of mayhem and destruction. They flood homes, tie up traffic, knock out power---
SS: So there's a water main break?
TR: Not just yet.
SS: Not yet?
TR: I needn't remind you that many sections of the city's water pipes are very old and break on a regular basis.
SS: But not at the moment.
TR: It's only a matter of time, Linda. I sent my driver, Dave, down into the manhole with a large wrench and he's wailing away on the water main as we speak. Dave's a big guy and the ancient water main won't stand up long against him. And once it breaks, we'll be here first to report the story. Yes, siree, any moment now.
SS: You have nothing for us, John, do you?
TR: Hm, no. Not off hand.
SM: Stick 'em up!
SS: John, what was that?
TR: Linda, a man with a gun has approached me and is holding me up! Live! As we speak!
SM: Hand over your wallet.
TR: Yes, sir. Absolutely. Here you go.
SS: John, what's going on?
SM: Seventeen dollars? That's all you have?
TR: Sorry. I work for public radio.
SM: Great. All right, don't move. Count to 100 while I...Nice van.
TR: Yes, it's the Newsvan, always first on the scene.
SM: Goes fast?
TR: I'll say!
SS: John, I don't think that this is a good time to point out the merits of the newsvan.
SM: Hand over the keys.
TR: Oh. Right. Here you go.
(jingling of keys. engine starts. car peels off)
SS: John? John? Are you there, John?
TR: This just in, Linda: the Newsvan has been stolen in a daring daylight robbery! I bet this leads to a high speed car chase. Gee, I wish I had the newsvan to follow the story.
SS: Well, that seems to be all from the scene. This is Linda Wertheimer, for John Knotwright-
TR: Hey, somebody said my name again!
SS: That's all from NPR News. We return to our regular programing already in progress.
end
GK: I'm just getting word there's a late breaking story, so let's go to the news desk...
(THROBBING ELECTRONIC NEWS THEME)
TR: NPR News: First on the scene with a special report.
SS: This is Linda Wertheimer, NPR News, home of the NPR Newsvan, getting you to the story first. we're just getting word from our reporter, John Knotwright
TR: Hello? Is someone there? I just heard my name.
SS: John Knotwright in the exclusive NPR Newsvan, first on the scene. Are you there, John Knotwright?
TR: See, there it is again! Someone is definitely saying my name!
SS: John, it's Linda Wertheimer.
TR: Oh! Hi, Linda. What's up?
SS: John, we're on the air. We've gotten word that you are first on the scene of a daring daylight robbery.
TR: Yes, we in the Newsvan are dedicated to getting you the news first as it happens. Sure, being there in the middle of things while it's going on isn't really going to give our listeners and real insight on what's going on, heck, it doesn't even mean that we'll be getting the facts quite right. What it does mean is that we'll be there first, before everyone else.
SS: So, who was robbed? What is happening?
TR: Well, actually, no one has been robbed at this point. However, we are set up in a very bad neighborhood, so, really, it's only a matter of time before someone is robbed. Wait, someone is approaching...he's getting closer...he sounds very shady...no, no, just someone walking his dog.
SS: So no one has been robbed?
TR: Not thus far.
(banging and clanging noises begin)
SS: So you have nothing to report.
TR: We do have a story developing at this very moment. A serious water main break. I don't have to tell you Linda that a water main break can cause quite a bit of mayhem and destruction. They flood homes, tie up traffic, knock out power---
SS: So there's a water main break?
TR: Not just yet.
SS: Not yet?
TR: I needn't remind you that many sections of the city's water pipes are very old and break on a regular basis.
SS: But not at the moment.
TR: It's only a matter of time, Linda. I sent my driver, Dave, down into the manhole with a large wrench and he's wailing away on the water main as we speak. Dave's a big guy and the ancient water main won't stand up long against him. And once it breaks, we'll be here first to report the story. Yes, siree, any moment now.
SS: You have nothing for us, John, do you?
TR: Hm, no. Not off hand.
SM: Stick 'em up!
SS: John, what was that?
TR: Linda, a man with a gun has approached me and is holding me up! Live! As we speak!
SM: Hand over your wallet.
TR: Yes, sir. Absolutely. Here you go.
SS: John, what's going on?
SM: Seventeen dollars? That's all you have?
TR: Sorry. I work for public radio.
SM: Great. All right, don't move. Count to 100 while I...Nice van.
TR: Yes, it's the Newsvan, always first on the scene.
SM: Goes fast?
TR: I'll say!
SS: John, I don't think that this is a good time to point out the merits of the newsvan.
SM: Hand over the keys.
TR: Oh. Right. Here you go.
(jingling of keys. engine starts. car peels off)
SS: John? John? Are you there, John?
TR: This just in, Linda: the Newsvan has been stolen in a daring daylight robbery! I bet this leads to a high speed car chase. Gee, I wish I had the newsvan to follow the story.
SS: Well, that seems to be all from the scene. This is Linda Wertheimer, for John Knotwright-
TR: Hey, somebody said my name again!
SS: That's all from NPR News. We return to our regular programing already in progress.
end
