| Dan Fiorella: Writer @ large |
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 Ok, I’ve seen “The Avengers: Endgame,” and I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was an amazing achievement of wrapping up 11 years and 21 movies that all occur in the same cinematic universe. Think of it as an epic “Happy Days,” “Laverne & Shirley” and “Mork & Mindy” cross-over event on “Law & Order.”
But, here’s the thing:
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 Well, it's that time of year again, when my annual rejection from the NBC Late Night Writers Workshop program arrives. Each year, NBC opens its doors to young aspiring comedy writers and me. It's weird, doing this so long makes you completely aware that the odds are against you, always. Yet, when the email came announcing they didn't select my application, it hurt. Again. I know I'm good. I'm just not good enough. The fact that it's NBC doing this is what makes it so attractive to me. I made it the topic of one of my essays in my 2014 packet: Why do you want to write for Late Night Television? Growing up, NBC was a neighborhood to visit. So many of their various comedy and variety shows, as mentioned above, devoted time to talking about the NBC commissary, the parking lot, other NBC shows and stars and beautiful downtown Burbank. NBC was meta before meta was a thing. Bits happened backstage, in the audience, behind the scenes. Saturday Night Live carried on this tradition for a long while; cold openings in the cast locker room, opening bits in the hallways (hi, Lama!, hi, Mr. Lincoln!), invitations to the Beatles to appear, (setting up one of the longest running gags on TV). Then, for a while, it seemed to slide away. Granted, not much was happening around NBC that made you think things were going on behind the scenes. It was taken over by bigger and more nameless corporations. "30 Rock" tried to keep the concept going, but it always felt like you were peeking behind the scenes of an alternate universe. Then Kyle Mooney and Beck Bennett brought it back. It started with videos about back stage relationships and kept going from there. His latest got cut for time, but it's about as meta a glimpse of backstage as you could get. It's just odd, though, how the backstage of SNL comes back to life in their video shorts.  I know terrorism is a threat to us, but, frankly, we're now facing idiots. Idiots hired by fanatics. Not an winning combo. Some people are insisting the dangers are worse than ever, but are they? The latest terror attacks have been, what, some guy driving a truck into a crowd? Terrorists are now stealing their ideas from drunk drivers! It seems to me that terror groups are in a downward spiral: you got some guy running around with a knife, another clown attempting to build a bomb in his apartment which goes off. These are all angry, demented people with just one thing in common: The internet.
Sure, people always had stupid, dangerous ideas and seething resentments. But in olden times, they would think them up, tell a friend or two, accept the eye rolls they got in return, shake it off then return to their business of collecting the carts in the parking lot. Then the internet came along. Now some maniac can post his bizarre concept and get thousands of comments saying "That's a good idea, you should do that." The internet is like a dating app for terrorists. You're not getting the best. Also, you can't outsource outrage. But fanatics haven't realize this; their ability to judge others is compromised. If some internet guy says he'll help carry out a plan, the fanatic is so happy to have that support he won't realize that the internet guy is a buffoon. On the other hand, having all these doofuses in one place certainly makes it easier for law enforcement to find and catch them. And as long as they don't have money, they will be punished. So, the only thing we really need to be careful of are rich terrorists...oh, wait...  You know what, American businesses? Stop harassing me about your employees' abilities. Or my experience at your store. I don't want to take your online survey. I don't want to stay on the line to answer a few brief questions upon the completion of our interaction. I don't want to evaluate your hires. I'm not your HR department. You keep telling me you're recording my call for possible quality evaluation, so evaluate it yourself. Just hire someone to listen. And I don't want to go to the site on the back of your receipt to take a survey that will then enter me into a sweepstakes where I might win a prize. I'm not answering your stupid questions on spec. At least Burger King will give be a Whopper if I answer its questions (I'm looking at you Wendy's). Hey, look, if I have a complaint, I'll write you a letter. And don't force me to rate your employee's performance when your company sucks and isn't getting my cable picture fixed. Most of the time it's not about that poor cubicle jockey forced to deal with the public, it usually about your management's crappy decisions, but none of your telephone surveys give that as a choice. I'm your customer, not your mom. You figure it out.
 Breaking: The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) enacted a rule on June 1 making it easier for companies to use asbestos in products. Has anybody been clamoring for the return of asbestos? I mean, seriously? This stuff has been proven dangerous. Men in HAZMAT suits show up when it’s present. My 80-year-old father had lung surgery to deal with a nodule doctors have been monitoring for most of his adult life because of exposure to asbestos in the Navy and on his job. There are lawyers on TV commercials every hour telling you to call them if you’ve been exposed to asbestos. Every person at Ground Zero after 9/11 is on constant surveillance after breathing in this crap. Why this is happening? Were they looking for something we could all get that's compatible to coal miner’s black lung? Whatever made the EPA decide that we were over-reacting to the threat of asbestos? Was this some campaign promise I totally overlooked or something that was updated at the GOP Convention? I’m sure it’s not because the President says reports of asbestos’ danger was all the work of the mob. I’m sure it’s not because Russia is a major source of asbestos. No, it must be because it’s now just asbestos’ time again, like bell bottoms and vinyl records. What’s next? Cyclamates? Red dye #2? Leaded gasoline? Clackers? Well, I guess the mesothelioma lawyers are happy about it.   In March 2016, a new comedy website launched, featuring short online articles. It was The Morning Kvetch. Alas, there was no traction and the site no longer exists. So, I'm going to drag out the bits I wrote for them and post them here from time to time. So, let us present: Desperately Seeking Vegan
 Back in March 2016, a new multi-media platform was about to launch. A podcast, radio show with written articles on line to support the on-air hi jinx. It was a new comedy, The Morning Kvetch. And they needed experienced kvetchers to supply material to the website. Enter me. I had a number of rants and rant-like bits that could be re-worked to fit their site, so it seemed like a good thing. No pay but EXPOSURE! Yeah, not so much. Granted, my contributions to the site started to wane as the year progressed but I was very much surprised to recently discover the site no longer exists. It's just a Go Daddy placeholder denoting the domain name is available. Gone, all gone. So, I'm going to drag them out and post them here from time to time. So, let us present: So You Say You Want a Revolution? Back in March 2016, a new multi-media platform was about to launch. A podcast, radio show with written articles on line to support the on-air hi jinx. It was a new comedy, The Morning Kvetch. And they needed experienced kvetchers to supply material to the website. Enter me. I had a number of rants and rant-like bits that could be re-worked to fit their site, so it seemed like a good thing. No pay but EXPOSURE! Yeah, not so much. Granted, my contributions to the site started to wane as the year progressed but I was very much surprised to recently discover the site no longer exists. It's just a Go Daddy placeholder denoting the domain name is available. Gone, all gone. So, I'm going to drag them out and post them here from time to time. So, let us present: Movers, Shakers & Whiners Back in March 2016, a new multi-media platform was about to launch. A podcast, radio show with written articles on line to support the on-air hi jinx. It was a new comedy, The Morning Kvetch. And they needed experienced kvetchers to supply material to the website. Enter me. I had a number of rants and rant-like bits that could be re-worked to fit their site, so it seemed like a good thing. No pay but EXPOSURE! Yeah, not so much. Granted, my contributions to the site started to wane as the year progressed but I was very much surprised to recently discover the site no longer exists. It's just a Go Daddy placeholder denoting the domain name is available. Gone, all gone. So, I'm going to drag them out and post them here from time to time. So, let us present: Atheists Don’t Have a Prayer |
Dan FiorellaFreelance writer, still hacking away. 
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