In March 2016, a new comedy website launched, featuring short online articles. It was The Morning Kvetch. Alas, there was no traction and the site no longer exists. So, I'm going to drag out the bits I wrote for them and post them here from time to time. So, let us present:
Desperately Seeking Vegan
I got roped into my first vegan meal recently. Going in, I was like, fine; salad, maybe a mushroom dish. Ever have those Portobello mushrooms grilled? So good. You just know someone’s making guacamole. I like that. Perhaps some carrot cake. Oh, wait, vegan, not vegetarian. Still. Does a Waldorf salad count? Those are pretty tasty.
Anyway, the invitation was made and accepted. We arrived and it’s Vegan Taco Night. What??? Seasoned fake meal and waxy, vegan cheese with organic taco shells. Thank goodness for the lettuce and tomatoes. After a while, I started to notice that the dinner conversation was the vegans talking about that vegan place that serves a really good vegan Chicken Parmesan. Or that other vegan place that serves a good vegan-burger. Now I’m starting to see the pattern. They are vegans lusting after animal products. Sure, they could just eat vegetables and fruits and fungus, but no, they still want their burgers and pizza and Italian heroes. Well, stop it.
Anyway, the invitation was made and accepted. We arrived and it’s Vegan Taco Night. What??? Seasoned fake meal and waxy, vegan cheese with organic taco shells. Thank goodness for the lettuce and tomatoes. After a while, I started to notice that the dinner conversation was the vegans talking about that vegan place that serves a really good vegan Chicken Parmesan. Or that other vegan place that serves a good vegan-burger. Now I’m starting to see the pattern. They are vegans lusting after animal products. Sure, they could just eat vegetables and fruits and fungus, but no, they still want their burgers and pizza and Italian heroes. Well, stop it.
You wanna be vegan? Then be vegan. Stop eating tofu hot dogs in effigy. Are you doing it for health reasons? Or a belief in the sanctity of all life? Or you wanna lose a few pounds? Fine, but the fact that you’re running all your food choices through the prism of meat-based foods is kind of a cheat. You’re admitting that while all life can be sacred, some of it tastes really good. And you can’t give it up. Your salads and kabobs aren’t cutting it. I’m watching vegans try to re-invent the cheese wheel in their image. They devote a lot of time and energy into turning their organic produce into a processed meal that will remind them of the roast turkey they’ve forsworn. This must be how it is with heroin addicts who switch to methadone. Or the movie Vertigo, where James Steward spends the second act trying to make over his new girlfriend to look like his old girlfriend, sans the Alfred Porkchop cameo. And I won’t even bring up the fact that half the animal kingdom eats the other half.
So, all you vegans going on and on about your life choices, spare me. I have a rack of ribs to tackle.
So, all you vegans going on and on about your life choices, spare me. I have a rack of ribs to tackle.
