It was one of my usual mash-up sketches where the title simply presented itself to me. I was a fan of the show and I was very into Sherlock Holmes stories at the time. I think I blended the two worlds very well, although DeFazio does stand around a lot without anything to say. And it was back in the days where my sketches were long, wringing every last drop out of the premise. It's very 70s oriented, with references to Plato's Retreat and such. It's one of the few times I used a cuss word in a sketch, just because the actual expression had to be used for the joke to work. Anyway...
RIP, Penny Marshall.
LAVERNE is at desk writing in her diary.
LAVERNE: Dear Diary. Well, life sure ain’t dull since Sherlock Holmes moved in, I wanna tell you. He's some guy. And he hasn’t tried any fresh stuff. But I’m hoping he will, after he’s been here awhile. But he's got a real keen job. He’s a private cop. Like the other day, he as finishin’ up an experiment which would prove his theory of the Apple Core murders---
INT. APARTMENT - THE OTHER DAY
HOLMES is at his Lab. He pours a beaker into a glass of liquid. Then looks disappointed. Laverne enters eating a sandwich.
HOLMES: Well, this will help to keep my ego in reasonable proportions. I felt certain this chemical test would prove me correct. It appears I am mistaken.
LAVERNE: Oh, there’s my milk and Pepsi.
She takes the glass Holmes is holding and drinks it.
HOLMES: Really, Laverne. If I've told you once, I’ve told you a dozen times, Do not use my equipment for your milk and Pepsi.
LAVERNE: Sorry, Sheri, Oh, there's a good mystery tonight on Quincy, You want to see it? It looks good.
HOLMES: No, the man’s secretary killed him.
LAVERNE: Wow! How’d you know that?
HOLMES: Elementary, Laverne.
KNOCK at Door. MR. SCHOTZ enters.
SCHOTZ: Mr. Holmes, I need your services.
HOLMES: Does it involve your brewery, Mr, Schotz?
SCHOTZ: How do you know me--?
HOLMES: I deduced it. On your left thumb I detected a trace of hops. On the right thumb, some barley. Certainly ingredients needed for the brewing of beer. Your clothes are not those of a laborer, but of a successful businessman. You have been testing your product, perhaps. Finally on the inside of your hat band is the name “Schotz.”
LAVERNE: Oh, geez. Of course.
SCHOTZ: Mr. Holmes, I have been robbed! he entire company payroll has been stolen!
LAVERNE: Does that mean we don't get paid?
SCHOTZ: It was taken right out of the factory!
LAVERNE: Oh wow, and I just saw Steve in the payroll department with it, too! Gosh!
HOLMES: Tell me the details, Mr, Schotz,
MR. DEFAZIO BURSTS IN.
DEFAZIO: Laverne! All right, buster, just stay right where you are!
LAVERNE: Pop!¦ What are you doin' here?
DEFAZIO: I came to get you! What do you think you're doing livin’ with some guy in sin? What will your mother say?
LAVERNE: Ma’s dead, Pop,
DEFAZIO: She don't know how lucky she is!
HOLMES: I deduce that you are Laverne’s father Mr, DeFazio.
DEFAZIO: No shit, Sherlock.
LAVERNE: Ah, Pop , it ain't what you think!
DEFAZIO: It, better not be, 'cause I think pretty dirty.
HOLMES: I assure, sir, Laverne and I share these digs on a purely Platonic basis,
DEFAZIO: Oh my God, I heard about that place!
LAVERNE: What place?
DEFAZIO: Platonic’s Retreat!
SCHOTZ: Mr, Holmes, my payroll!
HOLMES: Of course. Now then, if you would relate the facts to me.
SCHOTZ: Our paymaster, Steve, had the satchel containing the money. When he brought it to the bank, he discovered the satchel had been replaced by this woman's purse!
Schotz pulls out a purse.
Holmes takes the purse and looks in it. He takes out his magnifying glass.
HOLMES (CONT): Ah, yes. What do we have here? A strand of blonde hair, a chap stick. An odor-eater, A large quantity of cheap make¬up and a ballet slipper. That gives me a firm description of our thief, I deduce she is a six foot tall female with blonde hair, chapped lips and pigeon toes. She is vain, has excessive foot odor, judging by the condition of these odor-eaters, and dances ballet very frequently.
SCHOTZ: How do we find this woman? It's a big city.
HOLMES: I will simply recruit my Baker Street Irregulars.
Holmes blows a whistle, LENNY & SQUIGGY enter.
LENNY & SQUIGGY: Hello.
LAVERNE: You can’t get any more irregular than them.
FABERSHAM (O.S.): You two morons get down here!
HOLMES: (out door) It’s quite all right, Mrs. Fabersham, they're with me.
(to boys) Boys, I want you to get a tall blonde woman.
LENNY: Gee, thanks boss.
SQUIGGY: What a great boss.
LENNY: Yeah! A lotta companies don't give out bonuses like this.
They start out.
HOLMES: Come back here. Don't you want a description?
SQUIGGY: Gee, you mean we don't get a choice?
HOLMES: I'm going to describe a woman who stole the company payroll. Do you think you can remember the description?
SQUIGGY: What description?
HOLMES: Laverne, do you have a pencil and paper?
LAVERNE: Let me check my purse,
Laverne gets her purse, which looks like the satchel. She opens it.
LAVERNE: Hey! Some crook stole my purse and replaced it with all this money!
SCHOTZ: Money? That’s my satchel!
LAVERNE: That’s my purse!
LENNY: Laverne you stole the payroll. Shame on you! But Mr. Holmes she ain’t no six foot blonde.
SQUIGGY: What a great disguise!
LAVERNE: I musta left my purse with Steve by mistake! Stupid me.
HOLMES: But the blonde hair!
LAVERNE: Steve is a blonde.
HOLMES: The odor-eaters?
LAVERNE: That’s Steve's, too. (points to DeFazio) Mind if I tell you about that later, Sheri?
HOLMES: The ballet slipper?
LAVERNE: That’s Carmine’s. I had to borrow his, mine are filled with pipe tobacco.
HOLMES: Good heavens.
LENNY: Well, I guess you won't be needin’ us.
SQUIGGY: Does that mean we can't go lookin’ for tall blondes?
LENNY: We still can.
SQUIGGY: I know, but I liked having permission.
SCHOTZ: Well Holmes, thanks for nothing. I hope you don't expect a reward,
HOLMES: It's not necessary. I live for the hunt. The thrill of pursuit and all that.
LAVERNE: Gee, Sheri, it's great the way you can find stuff just like that; My purse and the company payroll at the same time!
HOLMES: I couldn't have done it without your valuable assistance.
LAVERNE: It was nothin’,
LAVERNE: That reminds me, I lost my gold earrings. You haven’t seen them, have you?
HOLMES: Under the refrigerator, to the left.
LAVERNE: Gosh, why didn’t you get them out?
HOLMES: I live for the hunt.
LAVERNE: You’re a corker, Sheri,
A KNOCK, MRS, FABERSHAM enters with a telegram,
FABERSHAM: Mr, Holmes, this telegram arrived for you.
HOLMES: (reading it) Aah, Professor Moriarty is back and must be dealt with again! Come Laverne, the game’s afoot!
LAVERNE: See, Pop? He needs me! Bye, Pop. Don’t wait up!
Laverne and Sherlock exit.
DEFAZIO: Edna, do they do this a lot?
FABERSHAM: All the time,
Laverne writing at desk.
LAVERNE: So diary, Pop's letting Sherlock stay, I'm glad, because Sherlock Holmes is the greatest man I have ever known, Even if he don't vo-de-o-doh.
HOLMES (O.S.): Laverne, the needle!
LAVERNE: Gotta go now, diary. Tomorrow I'll tell you all about Moriarty and the Brass Monkey Murders. Bye. Laverne.
Fade out. LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY THEME.