Ok, so I answer this ad for a “major studio venture.” Turns out it’s some guy pitching a remake of “Dirty Rotten Scoundrels” and asks for my take on it. In mid-pitch, he pulls that project out and replaces it with his latest…
Christian Elias, our aspiring producer, sends me an email with big news: “Steven Spielberg’s Publicist Granted Me Permission Today to Remake ‘Firefly,’ Steven’s First Film.” And that’s just the Subject line!
Pasted into the email was some data about this home movie Spielberg made while in high school. It was a “science fiction type predecessor to “Close Encounters of the Third Kind.” Elias then told me his plan, to remake the film based on the publicist’s promise to view the movie upon completion. This is a plan? Two hours later he emailed me again to explain the plan; make a movie on spec as “the chance of a lifetime to win Steven Spielberg’s camp over with new film creation, to [sic] of his very first film when he was still in high school at the age of 17 back in 1964.” Again, this is a plan?
So right out of the gate, I’m confused; the Wikipedia link he sent me lists the film as 135 minutes long, and he’s talking about it like it’s a short and wants 15 pages. So, I questioned him about the soundness of doing a “movie on spec.” His reply mansplained it all to me:
So right out of the gate, I’m confused; the Wikipedia link he sent me lists the film as 135 minutes long, and he’s talking about it like it’s a short and wants 15 pages. So, I questioned him about the soundness of doing a “movie on spec.” His reply mansplained it all to me:
Dan, the film was a Short Film, it was his Student Film, so it is a Remake of his Short Film, still as a Short Film, do you see now?, and we will have Steven Spielberg's Rep watch it firsthand prior to anyone else, yes on spec at the moment, but this is also on spec for me too with the chance of a lifetime to win Steven Spielberg's camp over with new film creation, to of his very first film when he was still in high school at the age of 17 back in 1964.
But despite this border-line gibberish (where he sounds semi-annoyed for questioning him), I begin working on this thing (!), scrounging up what I could find online. Turns out, the film was mostly lost. It seems he used it as a sample and dropped it off somewhere. He never got it back and he didn’t have a copy. An online synopsis seemed to be put together from various interviews and sources.
About 3 minutes of the film exists and was posted on Youtube. The plot was some sort of precursor to Spielberg’s “Close Encounters of the Third Kind.” Done on weekends, with friends and members of the high school acting club. The kid got it “world premiered” at the local movie theater. I guess that’s one of the differences between me and Spielberg. He hustles and makes a movie and gets it in a theater while in high school where I was still figuring out my right from my left.
Anyway, while everything online claims it was a full-length movie, Elias is insisting I churn out a 15-minute script…
About 3 minutes of the film exists and was posted on Youtube. The plot was some sort of precursor to Spielberg’s “Close Encounters of the Third Kind.” Done on weekends, with friends and members of the high school acting club. The kid got it “world premiered” at the local movie theater. I guess that’s one of the differences between me and Spielberg. He hustles and makes a movie and gets it in a theater while in high school where I was still figuring out my right from my left.
Anyway, while everything online claims it was a full-length movie, Elias is insisting I churn out a 15-minute script…
Hi Dan, ok, well our mission is to compose a Short Film for Firelight as a remake then. We'll send a mp3 to the rep of Steven Spielberg when the Short Film is completed for their review. If you can write 15 pages, maybe have it done in a week, that would be exceptional, think u can knock out 15 pages in a week from today?
That was June 30th. By July 16th, I had a draft…
| Okay, as promised... I pieced this together from the film fragments, list of characters, contradictory synopsis listed on the 'net, and some imagination...much like the dinosaur DNA from Jurassic Park. So, you know, you've been warned. Anyway, I hope you find it satisfactory. |  (See below) |
Note I stated “as promised.” While I was working on this thing, his email frequency increased. I mean, you have to understand that our first email was June 27th about his “Scoundrel” pitch. By the 30th, he wanted to dump that and start on “Firelight.” I agreed to that idea; it was only 15 pages. I can do 15 pages in my sleep. If nothing came of it, no big whoop, it’s only 15 pages that I did in my sleep. It wasn’t like I had much else going on. Plus he really seemed invested in this. And, of course, the lurking feeling of “What if he pulls it off?” This thing was moving out of the whim column and into the obligation sector.
Here’s the thing, though; while I’m working on “Firelight,” he emails me on July 1 asking if I know an agent. All of this is starting to turn into one of these recent online handyman ads, where I’m supposed to contact a bunch of contractors, get some bids and see who’s best. I tell Christian I don’t have an agent, only part-time manager. “Oh, does your manager know any agents?” He wants to submit a script that is a sequel to a “well-known comedy.” And I keep getting an email every 10 minutes for over an hour because I didn’t respond to his original email. Finally he tells me what that’s about: He got someone else to write a sequel to “Van Wilder,” supposedly with the producers' ok, but (but!) the producers won’t look at the script unless it’s submitted by an agent. He repeats this few times both via email and telephone. Of course my question is “Why would the producers agree to reading a script if they weren’t even going to accept it?”
I send my manager an email asking if he can help with this submission mission on July 1, going into the holiday weekend. On July 5, Christian’s back, hounding me. I tell him I haven’t heard back yet. Then things take another turn…
Here’s the thing, though; while I’m working on “Firelight,” he emails me on July 1 asking if I know an agent. All of this is starting to turn into one of these recent online handyman ads, where I’m supposed to contact a bunch of contractors, get some bids and see who’s best. I tell Christian I don’t have an agent, only part-time manager. “Oh, does your manager know any agents?” He wants to submit a script that is a sequel to a “well-known comedy.” And I keep getting an email every 10 minutes for over an hour because I didn’t respond to his original email. Finally he tells me what that’s about: He got someone else to write a sequel to “Van Wilder,” supposedly with the producers' ok, but (but!) the producers won’t look at the script unless it’s submitted by an agent. He repeats this few times both via email and telephone. Of course my question is “Why would the producers agree to reading a script if they weren’t even going to accept it?”
I send my manager an email asking if he can help with this submission mission on July 1, going into the holiday weekend. On July 5, Christian’s back, hounding me. I tell him I haven’t heard back yet. Then things take another turn…
Just of the heck of it, we present, for the first time anywhere, my draft of "Firelight," a rip off of a Steven Spielberg home movie!
