| Dan Fiorella: Writer @ large |
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 Yes, as Thanksgiving approaches, we once again think of our brave forefathers. Yeah, yeah and our brave foremothers, too. We remember their bravery and desire for a new life in the new world...
Oh, who are we kidding? They were a bunch of whiny cry babies---
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 Politicians spend a lot of money to get the best campaign managers and sometimes they don't...
“He means well.” “Hey, you try doing this and see how far you get.”  Halloween approaches and that means so many cable stations are putting together scary film festivals. Frankly, there just aren't enough good horror films to fill in the schedule, so look for some of these lamer flicks to get to air:
“The Power-Walking Dead” The country becomes overrun by zombies that walk really fast. "Frankenstein Meets the Press” We get the monster’s views on bread and fire...
 Sure, we all look to the successful people and their work habits in an attempt to gleam from them some nugget of knowledge that would allow us to mimic their achievements. But are these really the people who we should be emulating? Because as it turns out, some of their habits are pretty filthy. For example:
Bill Gates: Picks nose...  Well, with the success of “Frozen” (The Snow Princess) cementing the success of Disney’s CGI film "Tangled” (Repunzel), the company is certainly going to
think about rebranding their older movies now. So to get them started: Retitle "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" to “Apple” "Cinderella" becomes “Shoe” "Sleeping Beauty" is now “Drowsy” "The Little Mermaid becomes “Wet” "Beauty and the Beast" re-released as “Hairy” "Aladdin" becomes “Sand” "Pocahontas" will be called “Wind” "Mulan" becomes “Drag” and "The Princess and the Frog" will now be known as “Wart” “Sesame Street Fighter,” where you pick the character and you get to knock the green right off of Kermit, beat the stuffing out of Elmo, or rip the spine out of Big Bird!
“Grand Theft Mickey,” as you and the Disney gang rob, assault and knife your way through the Magic Kingdom in teacups! “Maraduke Nuke ‘em,” the feisty Great Dane gets first strike capacity. “Mario Kombat” Forget the cute races and rescues, this time it’s hand-to-hand fighting! “Hedgehogs of War,” Speedy rodent vs. European armies. “Mr. Roger’s Resident Evil,” zombies invade the neighborhood. “Halo Mudder, Halo Fadder,” the summer camp of your nightmares.  Sure, everyone wishes they bought Apple or Berkshire Hathaway stock and avoided Facebook or Groupon. But there have been lots of bad stock IPOs over the years and people wisely stayed away:
Two-Facebook: A social site where you could tell one group of friends one thing, and tell another group of friends something else. Milk Motors: A company that developed an engine that ran on milk, which seemed like a great idea until somebody realized milk costs the same per gallon as gasoline. 2YK Protection Corp.: Face it, after 1/1/2000, no one was interested in the threat our computers faced from the Millennium Bug. Especially when the company was founded in 2006. Amish GPS Int’l.: Turns out the Amish ready don’t use or want GPS devices for their horse and buggies. PizzaFax: A company invented a way to fax pizzas to people’s homes. But, because of email, nobody has fax machines anymore. And the technology to turn pizza into an attachable file doesn’t exist. General Motors: ‘nuff said. Frozen Apps: Everyone got excited about buying shares of this company, until they found out it wasn’t a software company. They made appetizers for cocktail parties. Tasty Apps: The confusion continued when this software company issued stock around the same time, with an app to locate stores selling frozen party snacks. Digital Buggy Whips, Ltd.: There was no way this company was going to update buggy whips into the 21st century. Tepid Fusion Co.: Between hot fusion and cold fusion, this company claimed it could create energy in a lukewarm environment. But no one warmed to the idea. Obsolete Technology Corp.: Despite a slick brochure, this company never really had a shot to succeed. Ponzi Schemes Inc.: Yeah, no one took the bait when this company went public. |
Dan FiorellaFreelance writer, still hacking away. 
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