From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
Another one of my bits that went through a number of versions. It was a prose piece. It was a stage sketch. And it was written up as a radio bit for PHC. The show had been on a break after it's European tour and I wasn't as vigal as I could have been creating new content. I was pretty much just submitting one sketch a week, alternating between new ideas when they came to me and trying to resurrect older material in the drawers. This had been on ThemeStream and Vines. I got it published again on the old Higgs/Weldon website at one point. It's a bit I always enjoyed. It started as a ridiculous guy with ridiculous ways to save money, then in later drafts it morphed into a survivalist-type with ridiculous ways to save money for the collapse of civilization that was fast approaching. PHC gave it a pass. Here's the radio version of...
The Frugal Fanatic
(GK, FF: Frugal Fanatic)
GK: Well, with the coming world-wide economic depression which is going to effectively wipe out the financial gains made in the last decade just around the corner, it's the time to think frugal! We've invited with us the Frugal Fanatic to teach us some of his favorite money saving tips. Welcome!
FF: Thanks. It's a pleasure to be here. I love sharing my little tips from my website. I think you should all check it out, because we're entering very scary times and the only thing that may save you is being frugal. You know, nobody wants to live like they're poor but it's better to live like you are poor than to actually be poor. No sense letting your nosy neighbors know how much you make, either. Low profile. Keep 'em guessing. To help stretch your budgeted dollars, I've put together some super ways to live below your means.
GK: For instance?
FF: Coupons.
GK: Of course, coupons. clipping coupons is the number one way to enhance your meal time.
FF: Simply gather your coupons, add a little oil and vinegar and you have a wonderful salad.
GK: That's probably the one use I hadn't considered.
FF: Now, with credit cards.
GK: Credit cards? I thought that using a credit card was the sure-fire way to wreck any budget.
FF: Indeed. So, once you run up the card and max it out, do what I do; fill in the "change of address" form on the envelope and have it forwarded to Alaska or Rome or some-such-place and it's "bye-bye bills!"
GK: I could see where that could ease up on the bills. Anything else?
FF: A great way to stretch to your dollars is to join one of those "Save the Kids" programs: You've seen the commercials on late night TV, so sign your family up and let a family adopt you. These people are able to feed entire villages for pennies a day! Think of the savings to your budget if you could feed your family for pennies a day!
GK: I'm thinking, I'm thinking.
FF: You know, it's not just a matter of saving money. We have to generate other sources of income as well.
GK: I guess every little bit helps. Any suggests for that?
FF: Indeed, indeed! Yard sales. I love 'em. It's an easy way to make money from things laying around the yard. Simply wait for your neighbors to leave their house, put up a couple of "yard sale" signs and boom, you're in business.
GK: And all of these you've tested yourself.
FF: Time and time again.
GK: Anything else?
FF: I'm just getting started. I find a great way to make money last longer is to xerox it.
GK: What?
FF: Thanks to amazing advantages in digital technology and scanning devices, you can turn one dollar into many. And with a few upgrades, you'll be able to do pocket change.
GK: I'm not sure that's legal---
FF: Then there's the time honored barter system. Man's earliest form of commerce still works today! You can trade services or goods with your neighbors. Simply tell your neighbor that you'd be willing to "protect" their property or have sex with them in return for food or appliances. Sometimes the old ways are the best.
GK: And this is all on your website?
FF: Another great source of income is medical experiments. With all the uproar about using animals to test new drugs, pharmaceutical companies are begging for human guinea pigs and they'll pay cash! It's a great way to supplement income and maybe even help mankind, as if they deserved it.
GK: There must be some things that are, oh, say, non-indictable ways of saving money?
FF: Oh, sure. Lots of fun ways. I tell people, "be creative," saving money doesn't always have to be boring. There are lots of fun ways to save money! Whenever you go to a theme restaurant, tell them it's your birthday and get a free dessert. Order happy kid's meals, then sell the toys on Ebay.
GK: Yes, that does sound like fun.
FF: Buy in Bulk: Thanks to price clubs and special bulk programs you can get excellent prices on items you need and have a supply that will last. I've been able to stock up on a fine assortment of firearms and ammunition that will come in handy during the coming days of global terror.
GK: I'm sensing you've put considerable thought into this.
FF: Dark days are a-coming for certain. One thing you may want to consider is cannibalism.
GK: That's a mite extreme, no?
FF: Unless you're some kind of freak-vegetarian, you'll need fresh meat. And with so many transients around and more coming, it's quite easy to rustle up some quality cuts. And tasty, too. It's like having a Donner party in your mouth!
GK: I pretty certain we're out of time. Yes, yes, time is indeed up. Thank you, the Frugal Fanatic.
FF: You're welcome. I hope you find these tips useful. I truly enjoy sharing my tips and besides, it counts as community service.
end
