From 1999 to 2004-ish, I was one of the contributing writers for Garrison Keillor's renowned radio show "A Prairie Home Companion." I learned a lot of things there, mostly how to spell 'prairie." It was a solid gig and I'm proud of my work there. But, like any other job, there were...things...
It was time for the State of the Union address and I decided to go back to that well and see if I could get another skit approved. Reading it down, man, was the GOP already headed down the wrong road. The didn't want to govern, they just wanted to boss people around. The didn't want freedom, they wanted to tell people want they could and couldn't do. Yes, Bush was a buffoon, but the people around him were scary and powerful.
State o'Union 2005
GK: Presidnet Bush gave his State of the Union address on February third, right after Groundhog day. How did it go, Mr. President?
GW: Very well. I saw my shadow, which means 6 more weeks of terrorist insurgency.
GK: Now I hear that you had a few things left unsaid?
GW: That's right. I didn't want to overwhelm the country with a lotta facts and figures. No one wants to sit around doing the math in their head during a speech. I know I don't.
GK: You wanted to get into some details?
GW: Yes, yes. Like my proposal for the FDIC. You know about the FDIC, right?
GK: The Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation? It was created during the Great Depression. It introduced major reforms into the banking system after so many backs failed and so many people lost their savings. The FDIC now insures everyone's bank accounts up to $100,000 per bank.
GW: That's right. And we don't need it anymore. We have to continue to "upgrade" the government for the 21st century so we have to reform the FDCI. And by reform, I mean privatize. It's foolish to cling to these programs of the past. We're wasting the government's time and taxpayer's money to insure perfectly healthy banks.
GK: Many would say the FDIC has been a very successful program. It's been a real boom to the working people and their savings.
GW: That was then, this is now. We want the government off the bankers' backs.
GK: Bold.
GW: Once we free up all that money, we'll be able to spread freedom like crazy.
GK: And that wasn't the only thing?
GW: Not by a long shot. That whole Highway system? The government shouldn't be in the road business. I don't know anything about paving streets, why should I be in charge? Privatize it. Let the people who know about asphalt and concrete deal with it. It's just distracting us from what we do best...spreading liberty.
GK: Anything else?
GW: Once I overhaul the tax code, I'm going to work on the census.
GK: The U.S. census?
GW: It's too confusing counting all those people. We have to simplify it. Once every ten years, we just take a satellite picture of the country and hire some people to count the folks in the picture.
GK: That will work?
GW: I have been assured that the technology exists in the private sector, so we'll let them take care of it.
GK: Isn't the census mandated by the Constitution?
GW: That was just some activist judge's interpretation. So we have a very full plate for my next years. We'll be spreading democracy and liberty like marmalade on toast. Look for democracy, coming to a third world nation near you.
GW: Thank you, Mr. President for getting us up to speed.
end
GW: Very well. I saw my shadow, which means 6 more weeks of terrorist insurgency.
GK: Now I hear that you had a few things left unsaid?
GW: That's right. I didn't want to overwhelm the country with a lotta facts and figures. No one wants to sit around doing the math in their head during a speech. I know I don't.
GK: You wanted to get into some details?
GW: Yes, yes. Like my proposal for the FDIC. You know about the FDIC, right?
GK: The Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation? It was created during the Great Depression. It introduced major reforms into the banking system after so many backs failed and so many people lost their savings. The FDIC now insures everyone's bank accounts up to $100,000 per bank.
GW: That's right. And we don't need it anymore. We have to continue to "upgrade" the government for the 21st century so we have to reform the FDCI. And by reform, I mean privatize. It's foolish to cling to these programs of the past. We're wasting the government's time and taxpayer's money to insure perfectly healthy banks.
GK: Many would say the FDIC has been a very successful program. It's been a real boom to the working people and their savings.
GW: That was then, this is now. We want the government off the bankers' backs.
GK: Bold.
GW: Once we free up all that money, we'll be able to spread freedom like crazy.
GK: And that wasn't the only thing?
GW: Not by a long shot. That whole Highway system? The government shouldn't be in the road business. I don't know anything about paving streets, why should I be in charge? Privatize it. Let the people who know about asphalt and concrete deal with it. It's just distracting us from what we do best...spreading liberty.
GK: Anything else?
GW: Once I overhaul the tax code, I'm going to work on the census.
GK: The U.S. census?
GW: It's too confusing counting all those people. We have to simplify it. Once every ten years, we just take a satellite picture of the country and hire some people to count the folks in the picture.
GK: That will work?
GW: I have been assured that the technology exists in the private sector, so we'll let them take care of it.
GK: Isn't the census mandated by the Constitution?
GW: That was just some activist judge's interpretation. So we have a very full plate for my next years. We'll be spreading democracy and liberty like marmalade on toast. Look for democracy, coming to a third world nation near you.
GW: Thank you, Mr. President for getting us up to speed.
end
