This is a bitter sweet sketch for me, it's the last sketch of mine that they used. I actually continued to submit to the show for the remainder of the 2003-2004 season, and the next two beyond--I was even sending material well into 2007, and occasionally after that--but none of it was acknowledged. I was not really fired, no one asked me to go away, I just petered out. I just wasn't making the cut and after a while of that I just stopped sending things in. It was sad and frustrating but unsurprising based on all my previous experience there.
Writing is a solitary profession. I always dreamed of joining that comedy room or being part of a team. I wanted to belong to something that I wanted to belong to. Style Without Substance, the WGAE, the Plague, PHC, workshops, but something always eluded me. Sometimes they ended and it felt like I was dropped to the curb. Mostly it involves my lack of social skills, I'm civil, personable but I'm an introvert and can't exist outside my comfort zone for long. When my excuse for being with people ends, I am incapable of maintaining that relationship. It's happened with classmates, committee members and co-writers. I just retreat to my hidey-hole and look for the next place to mail by submissions out to.
Years ago, I was once talking with my friend; we were both writing and we both had day jobs. I hadn't really told anyone at work about what I did on the side and I asked him if he had. He promptly said no. And it was never something he considered. To him, "writer" was his secret identity and his super power. Sometimes I forget that. I'm a writer. Yes, there's the day job and the family and the chores and the kids, but the core issue remains; I'm a writer. And the fact is, working on this blog has reminded me of that. It's not a stellar career but it it mind.
Anyway, on Jan. 24, 2004, PHC presented my State o'Union sketch (with my original script posted below).
by Dan Fiorella
(GK, GB: George W. Bush)
GK: I just want to welcome you here, Mr. President. We were watching your state of the Union address.
GB: Thank you. I was a little nervous that night.
GK: About your speech and how it would be received?
GB: No, about my VCR. I wasn't sure I set it right to record American Idol. Boy, that show was a hoot.
GK: So I saw that you came out against steroids.
GB: That's right. I saw a wrong and I had to speak out. I wanted to go further, about the designated batter rule and the $10 hot dogs at the stadiums, but time didn't permit. I really wanted to come down hard on those scented perfume ads in magazine as well. Man, they just stink up the place. And the new twenty dollar bills. They really look like play money. I can't take those new bills seriously.
GK: No mention of the moon program.
GB: What moon program?
GK: Building a base on the moon, then going to Mars.
GK: Very much so.
GB: That would be like the final frontier. I wonder why I didn't mention that?
GK: I was wondering about the proposal you had to stem the lost of jobs.
GB: That was a tough nut to crack. We've seen so many jobs shipped over seas. You call your internet company or your bank or even your municipal help phone numbers and odds are you'll be talking to someone in India.
GK: A lot of companies are doing that.
GB: Well, the only reason they can get away with it is because they find these people who speak English. If they can't find people over seas who can speak English, they can't very well hire them.
GK: I suppose that's right.
GB: So I'm introducing a bill that will make it illegal to export English to foreign countries.
GK: That's your plan?
GB: It's a hum-dinger. You try to take any verbs, adjectives, adverbs overseas, you will be arrested.
GK: How about nouns?
GB: Nouns, you get the death penalty.
GK: That seems, I don't know, harsh.
GB: I won't mince words about words. We have to stem the flow of English to other nations, who will then use it against us and to weaken us.
GK: Much like our weapon trade with Islamic nations.
GB: Don't go there.
GK: Anything else about the state of the Union you wanted to add?
GB: Just that we live in the greatest nation on earth and there isn't anything we can do once we cut taxes enough so that we won't have the money to do it.
GK: Thank you, Mr. President.