The jokes that didn't make the cut last week:
After 72 days of matrimony, Kim Kardashian filed for divorce from husband Kris Humphries…
…apparently she didn’t want to be demoted from “Kardashian” to “Basketball Wife.”
…poor Bruce Jenner. He went and got that facelift for nothing.
…72 days. That’s barely enough time to get a sex tape made.
…no word yet on who gets custody of the Twitter account.
After 72 days of matrimony, Kim Kardashian filed for divorce from husband Kris Humphries…
…apparently she didn’t want to be demoted from “Kardashian” to “Basketball Wife.”
…poor Bruce Jenner. He went and got that facelift for nothing.
…72 days. That’s barely enough time to get a sex tape made.
…no word yet on who gets custody of the Twitter account.
Vice President Biden has stated that he will absolutely be in the number 2 slot for the 2012 re-election. The Administration did this as part of its plan to save and create comedy jobs.
Wall Street has gone through another rough week. What’s causing the stock market to slip, slide and fall? Greece.
In a surprise move, Jon Corzine has been elected president of Greece.
The large commodities broker MF Global has gone into bankruptcy. Headed by former Democratic governor of New Jersey, Jon Corzine,…
…the company entered into leveraged European sovereign debt and lost. Well, it’s nice to seen Gov. Corzine take the knowledge he learned from government and applied it to the private sector.
…formerly at Goldman Sachs, Corzine has now learned that “too big to fail” only works if you’re “too big.”
The commodities broker MF Global, headed by former Democratic governor of New Jersey, Jon Corzine, has gone into bankruptcy. So now Corzine has gotten to run a company and a state into bankruptcy.
Federal Appeals Court overturned the Federal Communications Commission fine on CBS caused by Janet Jackson’s exposed breast during the 2004 Super Bowl half-time show, saying the FCC had no right to impose the fine. In a related story, CBS just announced its newest show, "Wardrobe Malfunctions with the Stars."
Richard Muller of the University of California, said scientists that believe the theory of global warming will "endorse Al Gore even though they know what he’s saying is exaggerated and misleading." Also boring and wooden.
In an interview with a local Minnesota TV station, a reporter asked President Obama was asked if we are better off now than we were four years ago…
…His answer? Better than what?
…and he said we were. Man, I’d hate to see what worse looks like.
The office of French satirical magazine was bombed after it published a special Arab Spring edition with a cartoon of the prophet Mohammed on the cover…
…I guess the jokes on them.
…so much for our Mohammad skit later in the show.
…suspects claimed they were merely following WWMD; What Would Mohammad Do?
A 20-year old woman has filed a paternity suit against Justin Bieber, claiming the 17-year old singer is the father of her three-month-old son…
…which comes as a surprise to us who thought Bieber was a teenage girl.
…there goes his chances of running as a GOP candidate for president. Although it improves his chances of running as a Democratic candidate.
…but it was all a stunt to promote his new cover of Michael Jackson’s song, “Billie Jean.”
…in case you were wondering if he’s hit puberty or not.
A new Quinnipiac poll now shows that while 30 percent of voters surveyed view the Occupy Wall Street movement favorably, 39 percent now view it unfavorably…
…wow, who would have thought that a bunch of kids hanging out, causing trouble and getting arrested would alienate the public?
…so the group has announced it will now Occupy Quinnipiac Poll offices.
The House passed a resolution reaffirming "In God We Trust" as our national motto…
…because people figured they can’t trust Congress.
…no word yet on who God trusts.
…next up, a bill to reaffirm that there are only 50 states.
According to a new report, 45% of young professionals would accept lower-paying jobs if they had more access to social media. Which means 45% of young professionals are really stupid.
A third woman is now saying that she also was a victim of sexual harassment from Herman Cain. In fact, Cain has been accused of so many sexual crimes he’s been made an honorary member of Occupy Wall Street.
Chanel is now selling new scent called named “Jersey” which smells like calzones and tanning spray.
ABC announced it will air a Lady Gaga Thanksgiving special this year. She’ll be wearing the turkey.
Kim Kardashian abruptly ended her promotional tour of Australia when everyone realized she had nothing to promote.
MSNBC's Lawrence O'Donnell called for Occupy D.C. protesters to bring a "firestorm" to the National Restaurant Association headquarters…
…mistaking it for National Rifle Association.
…over a dinner reservation his restaurant refused to honor.
…because he found a fly in his soup.
It’s week ten and MSNBC still has the Solyndra scandal story hostage, with no chance of release.
Congress has subpoenaed White House emails related to the Solyndra solar energy company. And you heard it here first. Mainly because CBS, NBC, MSNBC, ABC and CNN haven’t bothered to report it.
Last week, a deranged homeless man who was squatting among the Occupy Wall Street protesters in lower Manhattan went on a violent, early-morning rampage, cursing incoherently and kicking down tents. It took awhile to identify the man because everyone at Occupy Wall Street looks like a deranged homeless man.
House Speaker John Boehner stated that any bipartisan agreement reached by the congressional deficit-reduction “Super Congress” will need to include some new tax revenue, so now they’re looking to put together a Super-Duper Congress to fix things instead.
The Herman Cain campaign has accused the Rick Perry campaign of releasing the information about the alleged sexual harassment cases against Cain. So imagine our surprise to hear that Perry’s campaign is part of the liberal media smear.
The Humane Society of the United States announced this week that it had filed an SEC complaint against McDonald's McRib sandwich, stating the meat suppliers cruelly treat the animals used to make the sandwich…
…McDonald’s is dismissing the suit saying the McRib doesn’t actually contain any animal in it.
…because we should treat our farm animals better before we kill and eat them.
Hollywood producer Gavin Polone called Michael Moore a hypocrite for supporting Occupy Wall Street because he made his movies with financing aided by Goldman Sachs’…
…needless to say, Goldman Sachs’ is checking its records about that.
…to which Moore misunderstood and responded that he’s not a hippo and was retaining water.
…to which Moore responded that he’s not a hypocrite because he always knocks America and things it does while making a fortune off of it while living there.
In his new book, President Clinton says that describes the current state of the country as "a mess” adding “and remember, it’s not Hillary’s fault. Just saying.”
Wall Street has gone through another rough week. What’s causing the stock market to slip, slide and fall? Greece.
In a surprise move, Jon Corzine has been elected president of Greece.
The large commodities broker MF Global has gone into bankruptcy. Headed by former Democratic governor of New Jersey, Jon Corzine,…
…the company entered into leveraged European sovereign debt and lost. Well, it’s nice to seen Gov. Corzine take the knowledge he learned from government and applied it to the private sector.
…formerly at Goldman Sachs, Corzine has now learned that “too big to fail” only works if you’re “too big.”
The commodities broker MF Global, headed by former Democratic governor of New Jersey, Jon Corzine, has gone into bankruptcy. So now Corzine has gotten to run a company and a state into bankruptcy.
Federal Appeals Court overturned the Federal Communications Commission fine on CBS caused by Janet Jackson’s exposed breast during the 2004 Super Bowl half-time show, saying the FCC had no right to impose the fine. In a related story, CBS just announced its newest show, "Wardrobe Malfunctions with the Stars."
Richard Muller of the University of California, said scientists that believe the theory of global warming will "endorse Al Gore even though they know what he’s saying is exaggerated and misleading." Also boring and wooden.
In an interview with a local Minnesota TV station, a reporter asked President Obama was asked if we are better off now than we were four years ago…
…His answer? Better than what?
…and he said we were. Man, I’d hate to see what worse looks like.
The office of French satirical magazine was bombed after it published a special Arab Spring edition with a cartoon of the prophet Mohammed on the cover…
…I guess the jokes on them.
…so much for our Mohammad skit later in the show.
…suspects claimed they were merely following WWMD; What Would Mohammad Do?
A 20-year old woman has filed a paternity suit against Justin Bieber, claiming the 17-year old singer is the father of her three-month-old son…
…which comes as a surprise to us who thought Bieber was a teenage girl.
…there goes his chances of running as a GOP candidate for president. Although it improves his chances of running as a Democratic candidate.
…but it was all a stunt to promote his new cover of Michael Jackson’s song, “Billie Jean.”
…in case you were wondering if he’s hit puberty or not.
A new Quinnipiac poll now shows that while 30 percent of voters surveyed view the Occupy Wall Street movement favorably, 39 percent now view it unfavorably…
…wow, who would have thought that a bunch of kids hanging out, causing trouble and getting arrested would alienate the public?
…so the group has announced it will now Occupy Quinnipiac Poll offices.
The House passed a resolution reaffirming "In God We Trust" as our national motto…
…because people figured they can’t trust Congress.
…no word yet on who God trusts.
…next up, a bill to reaffirm that there are only 50 states.
According to a new report, 45% of young professionals would accept lower-paying jobs if they had more access to social media. Which means 45% of young professionals are really stupid.
A third woman is now saying that she also was a victim of sexual harassment from Herman Cain. In fact, Cain has been accused of so many sexual crimes he’s been made an honorary member of Occupy Wall Street.
Chanel is now selling new scent called named “Jersey” which smells like calzones and tanning spray.
ABC announced it will air a Lady Gaga Thanksgiving special this year. She’ll be wearing the turkey.
Kim Kardashian abruptly ended her promotional tour of Australia when everyone realized she had nothing to promote.
MSNBC's Lawrence O'Donnell called for Occupy D.C. protesters to bring a "firestorm" to the National Restaurant Association headquarters…
…mistaking it for National Rifle Association.
…over a dinner reservation his restaurant refused to honor.
…because he found a fly in his soup.
It’s week ten and MSNBC still has the Solyndra scandal story hostage, with no chance of release.
Congress has subpoenaed White House emails related to the Solyndra solar energy company. And you heard it here first. Mainly because CBS, NBC, MSNBC, ABC and CNN haven’t bothered to report it.
Last week, a deranged homeless man who was squatting among the Occupy Wall Street protesters in lower Manhattan went on a violent, early-morning rampage, cursing incoherently and kicking down tents. It took awhile to identify the man because everyone at Occupy Wall Street looks like a deranged homeless man.
House Speaker John Boehner stated that any bipartisan agreement reached by the congressional deficit-reduction “Super Congress” will need to include some new tax revenue, so now they’re looking to put together a Super-Duper Congress to fix things instead.
The Herman Cain campaign has accused the Rick Perry campaign of releasing the information about the alleged sexual harassment cases against Cain. So imagine our surprise to hear that Perry’s campaign is part of the liberal media smear.
The Humane Society of the United States announced this week that it had filed an SEC complaint against McDonald's McRib sandwich, stating the meat suppliers cruelly treat the animals used to make the sandwich…
…McDonald’s is dismissing the suit saying the McRib doesn’t actually contain any animal in it.
…because we should treat our farm animals better before we kill and eat them.
Hollywood producer Gavin Polone called Michael Moore a hypocrite for supporting Occupy Wall Street because he made his movies with financing aided by Goldman Sachs’…
…needless to say, Goldman Sachs’ is checking its records about that.
…to which Moore misunderstood and responded that he’s not a hippo and was retaining water.
…to which Moore responded that he’s not a hypocrite because he always knocks America and things it does while making a fortune off of it while living there.
In his new book, President Clinton says that describes the current state of the country as "a mess” adding “and remember, it’s not Hillary’s fault. Just saying.”
