Early on when I started posting under the Category "Skit Happens" I was posting stuff that that been submitted somewhere but didn't get chosen. Post-pandemic (if we are, in fact, post-it) I've been writing sketches and have had few, if any, places to submit them to. I don't know why I'm still writing them. It's like the idea pops into my head and I get such a rush from the act of creating, I want to get it down on paper, I need to. In the mean time, these things are burning holes in my hard drive and I have to put them out there somewhere and I have a blog, so...
I kinda forgot where this idea popped up from. SNL has been doing some "Voice work on video games" sketches. There was a lot of news about the new Jurassic Park movie coming out. Then during the pandemic, the news reported how Japanese theme parks were asking their visitors NOT to scream on the rides to prevent spreading droplets. It all just came together as this thing. It's a two-hander, so I'm not sure the comedy troupe would have leapt to do it. And it does depend on a growing absurdity that is tricky to maintain. It's cute, it's goofy and maybe it would have made the cut...
Theme Park Announcements
Producer in booth, JESSIE, the Voice Actor takes a seat at the mic.
PRODUCER: Jessie, so great to see you!
JESSIE: You, too! I was really surprised you called me in for this gig. I really haven’t done theme parks announcements in a long time.
PRODUCER: Don’t I know it! But the Hammond Corporation has spared no expense for this re-launch. They want the best and the best means you.
JESSIE: Hey, never say no to a gig, right?
PRODUCER: You know it! Okay, you know the drill, we’re just looking for a unified voice for all the rides and attractions, and we’re looking to cover all contingencies. The script is in front of you, so as soon as you’re ready, let’s hit it.
JESSIE: (vocalizes a moment) Moses supposes his toes are roses but Moses supposes erroneously. (clears throat) Let’s do this!
PRODUCER: Okay, let’s start at the top, page one, line one.
JESSIE: (reading) Please keep your arms and legs inside the car.
PRODUCER: A little more playful.
JESSIE: (reading) Hey, guys, please keep your arms and legs inside the car.
PRODUCER: Terrific. Page one line two.
JESSIE: (reading) Do not feed the animals. Please, do not feed the animals.
PRODUCER: Could that be a little more…“naggy?”
JESSIE: (reading) Do not feed the animals. Please. Do not feed the animals.
PRODUCER: Next up.
JESSIE: (reading) Please be aware that if you are in the splash zone, the splash may contain blood and animal remains.
PRODUCER: Terrific. Next.
JESSIE: (reading) Keep your hands away from the mouth of the T-Rex. Their teeth are very sharp.
PRODUCER: A little softer.
JESSIE: Wait, what? Make sharp teeth softer? Okay… (reading sing-song) Keep your hands away from the mouth of the T-Rex. Their teeth are very sharp. (take) What is this for again?
PRODUCER: It’s Jurassic Universal.
JESSIE: Seriously? They’re reopening it?
PRODUCER: They did pour a lot of money into it. Let’s start at line 15, page 2.
JESSIE: (reading) Do not feed the T-Rex… (take) Who the hell is going to feed the T-Rex?
PRODUCER: You’d be surprised. Next.
JESSIE: (reading) Please do not feed unclaimed body parts to the T-Rex. (stunned) C’mon, is that a possibility?
PRODUCER: We hope not but we don’t want to leave ourselves open to any possible lawsuits. Next.
JESSIE: When fleeing the velociraptors only scream in your heart. Wait, what?
PRODUCER: In case we’re open during a pandemic. Next up.
JESSIE: (reading) Please exit through the gift shop.
PRODUCER: Perfect. Next.
JESSIE: (reading) The Pterodactyl show has been cancelled due to evisceration. Check back later for the next show time…You know, I’m thinking these are not helpful.
PRODUCER: Just trying to cover all the contingencies. Next one.
JESSIE: (reading) Please clear the streets for the Dino-Parade spectacular!
PRODUCER: And---
JESSIE: (reading) Please clear the streets for the morgue wagons.
PRODUCER: Great, great. I think that’ll do for now. Oh, wait, do you have a minute? We got a last minute gig for a summer resort.
JESSIE: Yeah, sure. What’s this for?
PRODUCER: The Amity Island summer beach-fest!
JESSIE: I’m out!
Black out.
PRODUCER: Jessie, so great to see you!
JESSIE: You, too! I was really surprised you called me in for this gig. I really haven’t done theme parks announcements in a long time.
PRODUCER: Don’t I know it! But the Hammond Corporation has spared no expense for this re-launch. They want the best and the best means you.
JESSIE: Hey, never say no to a gig, right?
PRODUCER: You know it! Okay, you know the drill, we’re just looking for a unified voice for all the rides and attractions, and we’re looking to cover all contingencies. The script is in front of you, so as soon as you’re ready, let’s hit it.
JESSIE: (vocalizes a moment) Moses supposes his toes are roses but Moses supposes erroneously. (clears throat) Let’s do this!
PRODUCER: Okay, let’s start at the top, page one, line one.
JESSIE: (reading) Please keep your arms and legs inside the car.
PRODUCER: A little more playful.
JESSIE: (reading) Hey, guys, please keep your arms and legs inside the car.
PRODUCER: Terrific. Page one line two.
JESSIE: (reading) Do not feed the animals. Please, do not feed the animals.
PRODUCER: Could that be a little more…“naggy?”
JESSIE: (reading) Do not feed the animals. Please. Do not feed the animals.
PRODUCER: Next up.
JESSIE: (reading) Please be aware that if you are in the splash zone, the splash may contain blood and animal remains.
PRODUCER: Terrific. Next.
JESSIE: (reading) Keep your hands away from the mouth of the T-Rex. Their teeth are very sharp.
PRODUCER: A little softer.
JESSIE: Wait, what? Make sharp teeth softer? Okay… (reading sing-song) Keep your hands away from the mouth of the T-Rex. Their teeth are very sharp. (take) What is this for again?
PRODUCER: It’s Jurassic Universal.
JESSIE: Seriously? They’re reopening it?
PRODUCER: They did pour a lot of money into it. Let’s start at line 15, page 2.
JESSIE: (reading) Do not feed the T-Rex… (take) Who the hell is going to feed the T-Rex?
PRODUCER: You’d be surprised. Next.
JESSIE: (reading) Please do not feed unclaimed body parts to the T-Rex. (stunned) C’mon, is that a possibility?
PRODUCER: We hope not but we don’t want to leave ourselves open to any possible lawsuits. Next.
JESSIE: When fleeing the velociraptors only scream in your heart. Wait, what?
PRODUCER: In case we’re open during a pandemic. Next up.
JESSIE: (reading) Please exit through the gift shop.
PRODUCER: Perfect. Next.
JESSIE: (reading) The Pterodactyl show has been cancelled due to evisceration. Check back later for the next show time…You know, I’m thinking these are not helpful.
PRODUCER: Just trying to cover all the contingencies. Next one.
JESSIE: (reading) Please clear the streets for the Dino-Parade spectacular!
PRODUCER: And---
JESSIE: (reading) Please clear the streets for the morgue wagons.
PRODUCER: Great, great. I think that’ll do for now. Oh, wait, do you have a minute? We got a last minute gig for a summer resort.
JESSIE: Yeah, sure. What’s this for?
PRODUCER: The Amity Island summer beach-fest!
JESSIE: I’m out!
Black out.
