Early on when I started posting under the Category "Skit Happens" I was posting stuff that that been submitted somewhere but didn't get chosen. Post-pandemic (if we are, in fact, post-it) I've been writing sketches and have had few, if any, places to submit them to. I don't know why I'm still writing them. It's like the idea pops into my head and I get such a rush from the act of creating, I want to get it down on paper, I need to. There are a lot of "short play festivals" out there these days that accept "plays" that are under 10 minutes, so it seems like I might have an outlet for the sketches, but sometimes I get very insecure about my material. Are they really plays? They're comedy skits. I feel like I'm setting myself up for rejection, you know? But it's something I have to try. It's not like I haven't submitted to festivals like that before.
In the mean time, these things are burning holes in my thumb drive and I have to put them out there somewhere and I have a blog. So, we'll be playing around on here, I suppose.
In the mean time, these things are burning holes in my thumb drive and I have to put them out there somewhere and I have a blog. So, we'll be playing around on here, I suppose.
I noticed something in the last few years on SNL; topical isn't always topical. Yes, they have the political cold openings and Weekend Update, but when SNL started, they would do movie parodies of then newly-released movies and then a lot of Boomer-related things (and guests) from early TV. The latest generation of writers, thanks to cable TV and streaming, have a much broader and deeper field to harvest. I think I first realized it with Bill Hader and his various Vincent Price holiday shows. I can't believe for a minute that the audience would know who Vincent Price, Liberace, James Mason and others were, but maybe they did, thanks to Nick-at-Night or TVland. They do parodies now of decades-old Disney cartoons. They set up movie send-ups from the 1940s and 1950s. They can do a sketch about anything (as long as it is funny).
The Wizarding World movies (formerly know as "Harry Potter movies") are still in the public mind thanks to the books, movie prequels, Broadway shows, cable TV showings and theme-park rides. And if in the presence of any of these things, a sketch idea can pop up still. We still watch the movies whenever they play on TV (usually once a month on one cable station or another) and, if I'm paying attention, something new will appear to me: An odd piece of logic, a plot gap, a continuity issue or a background character I hadn't noticed. Or the various characters names. How did no one figure out Professor Lupin was a a werewolf? How do you name your kid Malfoy and not know he'll be evil? Or why would any kid WANT to be placed in a school called "Slytherin?" Well, this seems like something the Sorting Hat would have a hand in...
The Wizarding World movies (formerly know as "Harry Potter movies") are still in the public mind thanks to the books, movie prequels, Broadway shows, cable TV showings and theme-park rides. And if in the presence of any of these things, a sketch idea can pop up still. We still watch the movies whenever they play on TV (usually once a month on one cable station or another) and, if I'm paying attention, something new will appear to me: An odd piece of logic, a plot gap, a continuity issue or a background character I hadn't noticed. Or the various characters names. How did no one figure out Professor Lupin was a a werewolf? How do you name your kid Malfoy and not know he'll be evil? Or why would any kid WANT to be placed in a school called "Slytherin?" Well, this seems like something the Sorting Hat would have a hand in...
The Sorting Hat
The Great Hall on Sorting Day. A STUDENT sits on the stool as the hat announces:
SORTING HAT: Ravenclaw!
The Student takes off the Sorting Hat and hands it to the PROFESSOR. Student punches sky in victory.
The Professor refers to her list.
PROFESSOR: Next up to the sorting hat for school selection; Dave Foulbucket.
Dave steps up. He’s kind of a schlep. The Professor puts the hat on him and steps away.
SORTING HAT: (muttering) You seem like a Slytherin.
DAVE: What?
SORTING HAT: I was thinking Slytherin.
DAVE: Why were you thinking that?
SORTING HAT: Your name is Foulbucket.
DAVE: Well, that’s not my fault. Are you basing my whole future on my last name?
SORTING HAT: Of course. I mean, the school is named after a guy name Slytherin, isn’t it? And don’t get me started about the Malfoy family. You name your kid Draco and, yeah, he’s going to get mixed up with the wrong crowd.
DAVE: You assigned him to the wrong crowd! What's any of that got to do with me?
SORTING HAT: You know there’s a quota system, right? We have to put a certain number of un-evil people in Slytherin or the Magical Board of Education has a fit.
DAVE: I don’t care what the Magical Board of Education does, I don’t want to be in Slytherin. Didn’t they, like, arrest the whole school last term and stick them in the dungeon? I don’t want to end up in the dungeon.
SORTING HAT: Oh, that was just the one time.
DAVE: Really? And what about the previous year they all went in the dungeon?
SORTING HAT: Oh, that was for a completely different reason.
DAVE: I can’t believe you look at me and think Slytherin.
SORTING HAT: Lots of great wizards came out of Slytherin.
DAVE: Name one.
SORTING HAT: What about Lord Voldemort?
DAVE: He killed my family.
SORTING HAT: He killed a lot of families.
DAVE: What kind of point are you trying to make here???
SORTING HAT: He was some wizard.
DAVE: Yeah, well, I made a “no family killing” promise to the reminding members of my family.
SORTING HAT: Wait, he missed some? Oh, sorry, that was a tangent. Okay, okay, there was Everett Sweetmore.
DAVE: What? The guy who invented Every Flavor beans? That’s the best you can do?
SORTING HAT: Clyde Whistledown.
DAVE: Who is Clyde Whistledown?
SORTING HAT: You haven’t heard of him?
DAVE: No.
SORTING HAT: Well, that’s a step in the right direction, no?
DAVE: No, it is not.
SORTING HAT: Okay, okay…Willie Wonka.
DAVE: Okay, first, not a wizard. Second, not a really good person. Forget about that ridiculous boat, there’s that whole “Oompah-Loompahs in forced labor” aspect going on there!
SORTING HAT: My, you are picky.
DAVE: Picky? You’re trying to send me to my doom. I mean, who wants to go to Slytherin?
SORTING HAT: Well, that kid Horrmal Hideous seemed pleased.
DAVE: That kid? He was on the train with me. He was pulling wings off the flying frogs. He’s a psychopath. And there’s no way I’m sharing a dorm room with him. Is that it? Do you smell Horrmal on me and that made you think I should be in Slytherin?
SORTING HAT: I don’t have a nose.
DAVE: After the Battle of Hogswart, how is there even a Slytherin school left? Is this like that thing in America about Confederate statues?
The Professor steps back up.
PROFESSOR: Excuse me, could we move this along, please? I’ve got like 500 students to sort here.
SORTING HAT: Fine. (Announcing) Hufflepuff!
DAVE: In your hat.
The end
SORTING HAT: Ravenclaw!
The Student takes off the Sorting Hat and hands it to the PROFESSOR. Student punches sky in victory.
The Professor refers to her list.
PROFESSOR: Next up to the sorting hat for school selection; Dave Foulbucket.
Dave steps up. He’s kind of a schlep. The Professor puts the hat on him and steps away.
SORTING HAT: (muttering) You seem like a Slytherin.
DAVE: What?
SORTING HAT: I was thinking Slytherin.
DAVE: Why were you thinking that?
SORTING HAT: Your name is Foulbucket.
DAVE: Well, that’s not my fault. Are you basing my whole future on my last name?
SORTING HAT: Of course. I mean, the school is named after a guy name Slytherin, isn’t it? And don’t get me started about the Malfoy family. You name your kid Draco and, yeah, he’s going to get mixed up with the wrong crowd.
DAVE: You assigned him to the wrong crowd! What's any of that got to do with me?
SORTING HAT: You know there’s a quota system, right? We have to put a certain number of un-evil people in Slytherin or the Magical Board of Education has a fit.
DAVE: I don’t care what the Magical Board of Education does, I don’t want to be in Slytherin. Didn’t they, like, arrest the whole school last term and stick them in the dungeon? I don’t want to end up in the dungeon.
SORTING HAT: Oh, that was just the one time.
DAVE: Really? And what about the previous year they all went in the dungeon?
SORTING HAT: Oh, that was for a completely different reason.
DAVE: I can’t believe you look at me and think Slytherin.
SORTING HAT: Lots of great wizards came out of Slytherin.
DAVE: Name one.
SORTING HAT: What about Lord Voldemort?
DAVE: He killed my family.
SORTING HAT: He killed a lot of families.
DAVE: What kind of point are you trying to make here???
SORTING HAT: He was some wizard.
DAVE: Yeah, well, I made a “no family killing” promise to the reminding members of my family.
SORTING HAT: Wait, he missed some? Oh, sorry, that was a tangent. Okay, okay, there was Everett Sweetmore.
DAVE: What? The guy who invented Every Flavor beans? That’s the best you can do?
SORTING HAT: Clyde Whistledown.
DAVE: Who is Clyde Whistledown?
SORTING HAT: You haven’t heard of him?
DAVE: No.
SORTING HAT: Well, that’s a step in the right direction, no?
DAVE: No, it is not.
SORTING HAT: Okay, okay…Willie Wonka.
DAVE: Okay, first, not a wizard. Second, not a really good person. Forget about that ridiculous boat, there’s that whole “Oompah-Loompahs in forced labor” aspect going on there!
SORTING HAT: My, you are picky.
DAVE: Picky? You’re trying to send me to my doom. I mean, who wants to go to Slytherin?
SORTING HAT: Well, that kid Horrmal Hideous seemed pleased.
DAVE: That kid? He was on the train with me. He was pulling wings off the flying frogs. He’s a psychopath. And there’s no way I’m sharing a dorm room with him. Is that it? Do you smell Horrmal on me and that made you think I should be in Slytherin?
SORTING HAT: I don’t have a nose.
DAVE: After the Battle of Hogswart, how is there even a Slytherin school left? Is this like that thing in America about Confederate statues?
The Professor steps back up.
PROFESSOR: Excuse me, could we move this along, please? I’ve got like 500 students to sort here.
SORTING HAT: Fine. (Announcing) Hufflepuff!
DAVE: In your hat.
The end
