I submitted this to Prairie Home Companion in 2002. Garrison Keillor liked to do these bits, "aural landscapes," I called them, where it wasn't really a sketch, not really a song, but weave in and out of music and characters, painting a sound picture of the time. I guess it's basically a series of black-out skits with music bumpers, but done with a more mellifluous tone. I thought I nailed the style. PHC didn't. And it's a quirky bit, hard to re-purpose. Too long for ACN or All Star Radio. Too fluid to be a stage skit. I would point out that much of Uncle Al's rant wound up in a prose bit I had, (which I posted here), so, again, never throw anything out. I now present this skit for the first time...
But it is Thanksgiving time, and autumn is here, which means falling leaves, a nip in the air and UFOs... Yes, we're here to plug my Nick Flebber mystery, Space Case, a X-citing investigation for all you X-philes out there. Available over at Amazon!
To Grandmother's House We Go
(HS; Husband, WF: Wife, AL: Uncle AL)
(singing) Over the river and thru the wood,
To grandfather's house we go;
The horse knows the way
To carry the sleigh,
Through the white and drifted snow, oh!
HS: We're going to be late, honey
WF: I know. I have to finish this.
HS: What?
WF: I forgot the little marshmallows for the yams.
HS: How could you forget them? That's the whole point of the yams.
WF: I've been busy, okay. You think the turkey stuffs itself?
HS: What are you doing?
WF: I'm going through this box of Magic Charms cereal and taking out all the little marshmallows.
HS: What? You're using the yellow moons? The green clovers?
WF: Here's a red heart!
HS: You can't put those on the yams!
WF: The yams won't know the difference.
HS: But I will.
WF: Oh, good dear, now we know you're smarter than yams.
(Singing) Over the river and through the wood,
Oh, how the wind does blow!
It stings the toes,
And bites the nose,
As over the ground we go.
WF: We have to stop at the BuyMart. They have this special one-day sale.
HS: They have a one-day sale every day. Why don't they just admit it's a week long sale. They're open on Thanksgiving?
WF: The going out of business sale is going so well they're staying open for the holidays.
HS: What kind of sale?
WF: Everything is 20 & 30 percent off.
HS: That's it? Only 20% and 30%? That's not much of a sale. No wonder they're going out of business with lousy liquidation discounts like that.
(singing) Over the river and through the wood,
To have a first-rate play;
Oh, hear the bell ring,
"Ting-a-ling-ling!"
Hurrah for Thanksgiving Day-ay!
HS: We may have to cut back on Christmas presents this year.
WF: But why?
HS: Things are a bit tight at work. Remember that frozen turkey we got?
WF: Yes.
HS: That was our Christmas bonus.
WF: That bad?
HS: Could be worst. The company Fred works for made them kill the birds themselves.
(singing) Over the river and thru the wood,
Trot fast my dapple gray!
Spring over the ground,
Like a hunting hound!
For this is Thanksgiving Day.
WF: I thought we had a Christmas club set up for presents.
HS: We have our money tied up in the phone company.
WF: Stocks and bonds?
HS: No, bills. We have three girls. Have you seen the phone bills?
(singing) Over the turkey and through the night
We stuff our face ten-fold
We're half filled with lard
The cider's turned hard
Uncle Al is getting loud.
HS: I think we should give a toast our brave forefathers.
WF: And mothers!!
HS: Yes, yes, and we remember the Pilgrims' bravery and desire for a new life in the new world...
AL: Oh, yeah, the Pilgrims. there's a example for us.
HS: What's that, Uncle Al?
AL: The Pilgrims were wimps. They left their country because the Church of England wouldn't let them practice their religion. So after they couldn't get their way in England, they went running off to Holland. There they got to practice their religion but their kids began to assimilate. They were running around whining "Sure, we can pray like we want, but, Waah, our children are becoming Dutch. Waah!"
HS: That's all fine and well, Uncle Al...
AL: So they packed everything up and decided to go to the New World and start their own colony. Only they came to America without a clue as to what living in a wilderness would entail and they almost perished because of that lack of foresight.
HS: That's certainly a unique perspective---
AL: But once they got established, they flourished, freed of any outside influences and were soon able to burn witches at their leisure.
HS: That's just false.
AL: Witch burnings and the Protestant work ethic, that's what we got. Sure, some countries get to go on holiday all summer long. Some countries get to have a siesta in the middle of the work day. But no, not us. We get to have that Protestant work ethic from a cult that couldn't hack it in their own country. Well, thank you, Pilgrims, thank you very much.
HS: Please sit down, Uncle Al.
(singing) Over the river and through the wood,
And straight through the barnyard gate.
We seem to go extremely slow
It is so hard to wait!
Over the river and through the wood --
Now Grandmother's cap I spy!
Hurrah for fun! Is the pudding done?
Hurrah for the pumpkin pie!
WF: Oh, nuts, I forgot the pie!
end
(singing) Over the river and thru the wood,
To grandfather's house we go;
The horse knows the way
To carry the sleigh,
Through the white and drifted snow, oh!
HS: We're going to be late, honey
WF: I know. I have to finish this.
HS: What?
WF: I forgot the little marshmallows for the yams.
HS: How could you forget them? That's the whole point of the yams.
WF: I've been busy, okay. You think the turkey stuffs itself?
HS: What are you doing?
WF: I'm going through this box of Magic Charms cereal and taking out all the little marshmallows.
HS: What? You're using the yellow moons? The green clovers?
WF: Here's a red heart!
HS: You can't put those on the yams!
WF: The yams won't know the difference.
HS: But I will.
WF: Oh, good dear, now we know you're smarter than yams.
(Singing) Over the river and through the wood,
Oh, how the wind does blow!
It stings the toes,
And bites the nose,
As over the ground we go.
WF: We have to stop at the BuyMart. They have this special one-day sale.
HS: They have a one-day sale every day. Why don't they just admit it's a week long sale. They're open on Thanksgiving?
WF: The going out of business sale is going so well they're staying open for the holidays.
HS: What kind of sale?
WF: Everything is 20 & 30 percent off.
HS: That's it? Only 20% and 30%? That's not much of a sale. No wonder they're going out of business with lousy liquidation discounts like that.
(singing) Over the river and through the wood,
To have a first-rate play;
Oh, hear the bell ring,
"Ting-a-ling-ling!"
Hurrah for Thanksgiving Day-ay!
HS: We may have to cut back on Christmas presents this year.
WF: But why?
HS: Things are a bit tight at work. Remember that frozen turkey we got?
WF: Yes.
HS: That was our Christmas bonus.
WF: That bad?
HS: Could be worst. The company Fred works for made them kill the birds themselves.
(singing) Over the river and thru the wood,
Trot fast my dapple gray!
Spring over the ground,
Like a hunting hound!
For this is Thanksgiving Day.
WF: I thought we had a Christmas club set up for presents.
HS: We have our money tied up in the phone company.
WF: Stocks and bonds?
HS: No, bills. We have three girls. Have you seen the phone bills?
(singing) Over the turkey and through the night
We stuff our face ten-fold
We're half filled with lard
The cider's turned hard
Uncle Al is getting loud.
HS: I think we should give a toast our brave forefathers.
WF: And mothers!!
HS: Yes, yes, and we remember the Pilgrims' bravery and desire for a new life in the new world...
AL: Oh, yeah, the Pilgrims. there's a example for us.
HS: What's that, Uncle Al?
AL: The Pilgrims were wimps. They left their country because the Church of England wouldn't let them practice their religion. So after they couldn't get their way in England, they went running off to Holland. There they got to practice their religion but their kids began to assimilate. They were running around whining "Sure, we can pray like we want, but, Waah, our children are becoming Dutch. Waah!"
HS: That's all fine and well, Uncle Al...
AL: So they packed everything up and decided to go to the New World and start their own colony. Only they came to America without a clue as to what living in a wilderness would entail and they almost perished because of that lack of foresight.
HS: That's certainly a unique perspective---
AL: But once they got established, they flourished, freed of any outside influences and were soon able to burn witches at their leisure.
HS: That's just false.
AL: Witch burnings and the Protestant work ethic, that's what we got. Sure, some countries get to go on holiday all summer long. Some countries get to have a siesta in the middle of the work day. But no, not us. We get to have that Protestant work ethic from a cult that couldn't hack it in their own country. Well, thank you, Pilgrims, thank you very much.
HS: Please sit down, Uncle Al.
(singing) Over the river and through the wood,
And straight through the barnyard gate.
We seem to go extremely slow
It is so hard to wait!
Over the river and through the wood --
Now Grandmother's cap I spy!
Hurrah for fun! Is the pudding done?
Hurrah for the pumpkin pie!
WF: Oh, nuts, I forgot the pie!
end
