Debbie’s Free-Range Accidentally-Killed Turkey Farm
(FAMILY seated at table.)
MAN: Man, the turkey looks great, honey.
WOMAN: Thank you, dear.
(They all take a taste.)
MAN: What happened? This tastes horrible!
WOMAN: It tastes like fear and dread!
MAN: This turkey must have died a horrible death.
KIDS: Now Thanksgiving is ruined!
(ANNOUNCER steps out.)
ANNOUNCER: Want to enjoy a turkey this holiday season but don’t want to support the cruel turkey-killing industry? Then pick up your next bird from Debbie’s Free-Range Turkey Compound.
(DEBBIE steps out in a cowgirl hat.)
DEBBIE: You betcha! I’m Debbie and I raise free-range turkeys. These turkeys aren’t caged. They’re not crammed into little coops and herded onto the killing floor. They are free to roam all over my extensive property. Free to come and go as they please. No curfews here. No lock-down times. These are free-ranging turkeys.
ANNOUNCER: That’s right. But, like anything else, freedom comes with risk. These turkeys are out there on their own, and as we know, accidents happen.
DEBBIE: I’ll say. Last week, a bunch of my turkeys got killed trying to cross the interstate. Thursday a group of turkeys fell off the cliff down yonder. They can’t fly, you know. Just this morning a number of birds got electrocuted when the radio fell into the bathtub.
ANNOUNCER: So these creatures weren’t savagely murdered.
DEBBIE: Not at all. It was their time. And they never saw it coming!
ANNOUNCER: So whether your turkey got locked in a garage with a running automobile, took a header down the staircase, borrowed money from the wrong people or suffered a mishap during auto-erotic asphyxiation, you know you’ll get great tasting poultry without the guilt.
DEBBIE: You won’t believe how clumsy these birds can be. It’s a miracle they made it along this far.
ANNOUNCER: And if you like Debbie’s Turkeys, then why not try Debbie’s Suicidal Pigs for a holiday ham that can’t be beat!
DEBBIE: Not even with a stick. Not that we would ever do that.
(Back to family.)
MAN: This tastes great. Moist with just a hint of euthanasia!
WOMAN & KIDS: Thanks, Debbie!
ANNOUNCER: That’s Debbie’s Turkeys, where our motto is:
DEBBIE: Roast in Peace.