Early on when I started posting under the Category "Skit Happens" (aka "From the Slushpile") I was posting stuff that that been submitted somewhere but didn't get chosen. Post-pandemic (if we are, in fact, post-it) I've been writing sketches and have had few, if any, places to submit them to. I don't know why I'm still writing them. It's like the idea pops into my head and I get such a rush from the act of creating, I want to get it down on paper, I need to. In the mean time, these things are burning holes in my hard drive and I have to put them out there somewhere and I have a blog, so...
The wife has been binging "Grey's Anatomy" (again) and with everything that goes on in that hospital, it's surprising that anyone got cured at all. So many times, a scene with the family goes "We did what we could for her" and "she died peacefully." You hear that enough times and you start to wonder, what if they didn't? What if she didn't? What if those things were unexplainable. It turned into on of those "snowball" sketches, where you set the premise and just watch things got downhill and get worse. It's a Pythonseque bit of nonsense, but I enjoyed writing it. I actually wrote it over a series of days, jotting down a few lines, then coming back to it when thing slowed down and then finally put it all in order.
REST IN PEACE
INT. WAITING ROOM
WIFE and HUSBAND are waiting when the DOCTOR enters.
DOCTOR: I’m sorry to say that we lost your aunt.
WIFE: Oh, dear. I hate to think of her dying all alone. We were the only family she had left.
HUSBAND: So sad. So very sad.
DOCTOR: We did what we could for her.
WIFE: How did the end come?
DOCTOR: Oh, she died peacefully.
WIFE: That’s something, I suppose.
HUSBAND: I guess we can be thank for that at least she died peacefully.
DOCTOR: Oh, yes, right after she clutched her chest and she collapsed.
HUSBAND: Wait…clutched her heart? She was in pain?
DOCTOR: Not at all. Very peaceful.
WIFE: I dunno, that whole “clutching her chest” thing seems pretty unpeaceful.
HUSBAND: Isn’t that something you should have been watching for?
DOCTOR: Normally, yes, but with all the screaming it was so hard to focus--
WIFE: Screaming?
DOCTOR: It’s a medical term. It means yelling loudly.
HUSBAND: I wouldn’t exactly call that a “medical term.”
WIFE: And we know what screaming is.
DOCTOR; Well, it’s something we say a lot around here and this is a medical place.
WIFE: To get back to the actual point; She was screaming?
DOCTOR: It’s to be expected with all the blood that was squirting around.
HUSBAND: What--? How--?
DOCTOR: Yes, there was trouble with one of the IV lines and, well, I don’t want to say her arm “exploded” but it was pretty dramatic.
WIFE: Her arm? My aunt’s arm?
DOCTOR: Don’t worry, it wasn’t like it was attached to her at that point.
WIFE: My aunt’s arm wasn’t attached? To my aunt?
HUSBAND: Why wasn’t it attached to her?
DOCTOR: I could give you a lot of fancy terminology, but, basically, it fell off.
WIFE: How is that possible???
DOCTOR: God’s will.
WIFE: There’s no way God would have willed that.
DOCTOR: Sure, not at first. But, as I said, with all the screaming…
HUSBAND: That’s it, we demand to see her!
DOCTOR: I wouldn’t recommend it.
WIFE: And why wouldn’t you recommend it?
DOCTOR: She’s not here.
WIFE: How can she not be here? Why wouldn’t my aunt’s body be here?
DOCTOR: There’s this creature that lurks the basement and dark hallways and it often carries off people.
WIFE: Carries off people???
DOCTOR: Well, not living people. Just the dead ones.
HUSBAND: That doesn’t even make sense! This is absolutely the worse hospital I’ve ever seen!
DOCTOR: Wait, who told you this was a hospital?
HUSBAND: That’s it, we’re calling the authorities!
They storm off.
DOCTOR: (calling after) Hey, don’t forget to give us a good Yelp review!
The end
WIFE and HUSBAND are waiting when the DOCTOR enters.
DOCTOR: I’m sorry to say that we lost your aunt.
WIFE: Oh, dear. I hate to think of her dying all alone. We were the only family she had left.
HUSBAND: So sad. So very sad.
DOCTOR: We did what we could for her.
WIFE: How did the end come?
DOCTOR: Oh, she died peacefully.
WIFE: That’s something, I suppose.
HUSBAND: I guess we can be thank for that at least she died peacefully.
DOCTOR: Oh, yes, right after she clutched her chest and she collapsed.
HUSBAND: Wait…clutched her heart? She was in pain?
DOCTOR: Not at all. Very peaceful.
WIFE: I dunno, that whole “clutching her chest” thing seems pretty unpeaceful.
HUSBAND: Isn’t that something you should have been watching for?
DOCTOR: Normally, yes, but with all the screaming it was so hard to focus--
WIFE: Screaming?
DOCTOR: It’s a medical term. It means yelling loudly.
HUSBAND: I wouldn’t exactly call that a “medical term.”
WIFE: And we know what screaming is.
DOCTOR; Well, it’s something we say a lot around here and this is a medical place.
WIFE: To get back to the actual point; She was screaming?
DOCTOR: It’s to be expected with all the blood that was squirting around.
HUSBAND: What--? How--?
DOCTOR: Yes, there was trouble with one of the IV lines and, well, I don’t want to say her arm “exploded” but it was pretty dramatic.
WIFE: Her arm? My aunt’s arm?
DOCTOR: Don’t worry, it wasn’t like it was attached to her at that point.
WIFE: My aunt’s arm wasn’t attached? To my aunt?
HUSBAND: Why wasn’t it attached to her?
DOCTOR: I could give you a lot of fancy terminology, but, basically, it fell off.
WIFE: How is that possible???
DOCTOR: God’s will.
WIFE: There’s no way God would have willed that.
DOCTOR: Sure, not at first. But, as I said, with all the screaming…
HUSBAND: That’s it, we demand to see her!
DOCTOR: I wouldn’t recommend it.
WIFE: And why wouldn’t you recommend it?
DOCTOR: She’s not here.
WIFE: How can she not be here? Why wouldn’t my aunt’s body be here?
DOCTOR: There’s this creature that lurks the basement and dark hallways and it often carries off people.
WIFE: Carries off people???
DOCTOR: Well, not living people. Just the dead ones.
HUSBAND: That doesn’t even make sense! This is absolutely the worse hospital I’ve ever seen!
DOCTOR: Wait, who told you this was a hospital?
HUSBAND: That’s it, we’re calling the authorities!
They storm off.
DOCTOR: (calling after) Hey, don’t forget to give us a good Yelp review!
The end
