The mash-ups of genres is fun because it lets you play one against the other and putting a horror tale as a family comedy allows you to follow the rhythms and beats of the show while still goofing on it.
PAPA: I don’t know what you’re trying to do. You’re coddling him. Vampires are dangerous, brutal creatures of the night!
MAMA: How can I not treat him different? You’ve seen the test results; he’s taken them all, IQ tests, the Slosson Intelligence Test, Reynolds Intellectual Screening Test, the blood test… Vlad is not your typical vampire.
PAPA: And that’s the problem!
(VLAD enters in his fancy outfit and accent.)
VLAD: Good evening, mother. Good evening, father.
PAPA: Oh, so glad you could join us tonight! Actually spend time with us. Usually you treat us like we’re a crucifix or something.
VLAD: Nonsense father. It’s simply a matter of us having different interests.
PAPA; What interests? We wake up, we suck blood!
VLAD; I disagree. There has to be more to our actuality than that. We need time to reflect.
PAPA; We’re vampires! We don’t have reflections!
VLAD; You misconstrue my meaning. There must be something more we can make of our presence here.
PAPA; It’s a curse! It’s really hard to make more of it than that!
MAMA; Please, Vlad, don’t upset your father.
VLAD: I’m not trying to upset him.
PAPA: My blood is boiling.
MAMA: Please, calm down…
PAPA: No, my blood is boiling, for my blood tea. Turn the kettle off!
MAMA: Oh, right, right.
She runs off. Wolves howl.
VLAD: Listen to them! They are the children of the night!
PAPA: It’s the neighbor’s dogs! Going through our trash! (yelling off) Get out of here, you stupid animals!
(They yelp and run off.)
VLAD: But Papa, don’t you see, they are creatures of the night, like us and bats. It’s the Circle of Afterlife. And we’re all interconnected.
PAPA: Interconnected my eye-tooth! And enough with that stupid accent. Nobody here talks like that!
VLAD: I’m trying to make myself distinctive! Carry myself with some dignity!
PAPA: Oh, by calling attention to yourself? You’re supposed to be a creature of stealth! You don’t go around introducing yourself to every Tom, Dick and Boris! You are a failure as a vampire!
PAPA: He is! Do you ever see him even try to turn into fog?
VLAD: Well, I was waiting for the environmental impact study on that. Do I really want to risk further damage to the ozone layer? I mean, really, Father, you have to agree we already have enough trouble with the sun as it is without making it worse by destroying the ozone layer.
(There’s a knock at the door.)
MAMA: Come in!
(YOUNG VAN HELSING comes in. He carries a paper bag.)
VLAD: Abe! How you doing?
VAN HELSING: Great! Ready to hit the library?
PAPA: Who is this?
MAMA: It’s the Van Helsing boy.
PAPA: Van Helsing??? The Van Helsing boy?? What are you doing with the Van Helsing boy??
VLAD: We’re friends.
PAPA: No, no, no, no. The Van Helsings are our mortal enemy! Their family has been trying to kill our family for generations!
VAN HELSING: That’s not true.
VLAD: So typical of you, Father, I go out and find a friend on my own, someone out of our usual circle of acquaintances and you condemn him as an arch nemesis.
PAPA: Oh, really, that’s the issue? Hey, Van Helsing, what’s in the bag?
VAN HELSING: What bag?
PAPA: The bag in your hand.
VAN HELSING: Oh, hmmm, lunch. I brought lunch. I thought we’d have lunch.
PAPA: Oh, and what’s for lunch?
(He grabs the bag and opens it.)
(Mama and Vlad cringe. Papa holds it away from himself in fear.)
VAN HELSING: Damn you Dracula family! Damn all of you! We’ll get you! Every last one of you blood suckers and Transylvania will finally be free of your reign of terror!
PAPA: Get out!
(Van Helsing flees. Papa throws the garlic after him.)
PAPA: And take your lousy pizza topping with you!
MAMA: Oh, Papa!
VLAD: Oh, Father, how could I be so blind? I’m so sorry I put our family at risk like that!
PAPA: Yeah, well…
VLAD: You saved my life! How can I ever repay you?
PAPA: Repay me? I was repaying you! Remember that time I wandered out into the dark, all set to go out there and terrify the countryside and you stopped me? You dragged me back inside because it was only an eclipse? Man, that could have gone very badly very quickly. An eclipse! Who knew?
VLAD: I did.
PAPA: Yeah, well, you have my back, I have yours.
VLAD: I guess we are here for each other.
MAMA: My boys, finally getting along! I have a surprise for you!
(She pulls out a couple of people all bound and gagged.)
MAMA: I brought home dinner! Who’s in the mood for Italian?
VLAD: Oh, mom!