As mentioned earlier in the month, there's definite overlap between Halloween and Election Day. And the election of 2016 was it's own force. Then you had Negan on The Walking Dead, and he was such an annoying jerk. Mix in the standard charges of Chicago-style voting fraud, were dead citizens were supposedly voting. I had adapted to the longer style, it's kind of a promo, but just to announce the amusing show title and then runs into a plot where I goof on the election, Trump and that season of TWD. It' incredibly topical which means it's well passed it's "use by" date. But we present it here because that's what the internet's for.
So, to remind people that Halloween is coming and I have a Halloween book to sell, here is...
The Walking Dead Election Special
Michonne and Maggie are seated at a table, some people in line to vote.
MICHONNE: The election is pretty quiet so far, Maggie.
MAGGIE: So far, Michonne, so far.
(Trump enters, carrying a baseball bat with barb wire wrapped around it.)
MICHONNE: What are you doing here?
TRUMP: I’m here to monitor the polls. The system is rigged!
MAGGIE: I’m sure you’re wrong.
TRUMP: I’m a winner and the polls show I’m losing, therefore the polls are fixed. And there is more fixing going on here than at an Arby’s fixings bar! And I’m here to fix that.
MICHONNE: You’re here to fix the fix?
TRUMP: No, I’m here to fix the rigging.
MAGGIE: That doesn’t sound right either.
(Trump goes to a person in line.)
TRUMP: Who are you voting for?
PERSON 1: Not you.
TRUMP: You’re rigged!
(He beats him with the bat.)
MAGGIE: No electioneering!
(Suddenly Rick bursts in.)
RICK: They’re coming!
MICHONNE: Who, Rick, who’s coming?
RICK: The walkers. Herds of them. They’re coming this way and…and--
MAGGIE: What? What is it?
RICK: They’ve got ballots!
ANNOUNCER (O.S.): It’s the Walking Dead Election Special.
TRUMP: Ah-ha! I knew it! All those dead people still registered to vote! The system is so rigged. Bigly!
MAGGIE: You shouldn’t be here, either of you. It’s against election protocol.
MICHONNE: Really, Rick, you knew we needed to pick a new winner. Especially after that whole Negan fiasco. Right, Maggie?
(Maggie bursts out crying.)
MICHONNE: Oh, right. My bad.
TRUMP: Have you been campaigning for them, Deputy?
RICK: No, I’ve been fleeing from them. They’re trying to eat me!
TRUMP: Only losers get eaten! This is a new age Rick, you’ve been on top too long and you’re addicted to it. You love bossing people around. You’re running around, cocky, abusing people. You lord your presence over everyone and make sure everything is about you!
MAGGIE: That’s not Rick at all.
TRUMP: No? Oh, wait, that’s me. Whoops. Why do I keep doing that?
(Morgan enters.)
MORGAN: Rick, we just got word from the pollsters from the Hill.
RICK: And?
MORGAN: They’ve been eaten by walkers.
TRUMP: Losers.
MICHONNE: How much longer can this go on? I hate it!
TRUMP: Hate it? It’s great! Do you know how much more frequent my wife turnover rate is now?
MAGGIE: You’re a horrible, terrible man.
TRUMP: You’re a nasty lady. So nasty.
MICHONNE: I’m writing in the name of a walker. Do we know the names of any walkers?
MORGAN: Protest votes don’t work. Remember, that’s how the Governor got elected of Woodbury!
RICK: Nobody wants that to happen again.
TRUMP: The Governor was a loser. He gets to run a town and the highest thing he can think up to be is Governor?
(The first WALKERS come in, carrying ballots.)
MICHONNE: Look out!
WALKER 1: Trump!
WALKER 2: Drain the swamp!
(Walker attacks Person 1 on the line.)
PERSON 2: Hey, I’m votin’ here!
WALKER 3: Lock him up!
WALKER 1: Build that wall!
MAGGIE: Why would walkers want us to build a wall?
(Quickly, Maggie, Michonne, Rick and Morgan kill the walkers.)
TRUMP: Wait a second, those walkers were supporting me!
MICHONNE: What of it?
TRUMP: Voter suppression! I finally caught you in the act! Voter suppression! I demand a recount!
MICHONNE: Look at the flowers, Donald.
TRUMP: What flowers? Oh, those flowers, very nice.
(Michonne shoots Trump. He goes down. Everyone just stares at Michonne.)
MICHONNE: What? Fine, fine, I’m banished again.
(Maggie grabs some ballots.)
MAGGIE: No, wait, Michonne won! Everyone wrote in her name!
MICHONNE: About time!
RICK: So, what do we do first?
MICHONNE: Cut taxes, of course!
The End
MICHONNE: The election is pretty quiet so far, Maggie.
MAGGIE: So far, Michonne, so far.
(Trump enters, carrying a baseball bat with barb wire wrapped around it.)
MICHONNE: What are you doing here?
TRUMP: I’m here to monitor the polls. The system is rigged!
MAGGIE: I’m sure you’re wrong.
TRUMP: I’m a winner and the polls show I’m losing, therefore the polls are fixed. And there is more fixing going on here than at an Arby’s fixings bar! And I’m here to fix that.
MICHONNE: You’re here to fix the fix?
TRUMP: No, I’m here to fix the rigging.
MAGGIE: That doesn’t sound right either.
(Trump goes to a person in line.)
TRUMP: Who are you voting for?
PERSON 1: Not you.
TRUMP: You’re rigged!
(He beats him with the bat.)
MAGGIE: No electioneering!
(Suddenly Rick bursts in.)
RICK: They’re coming!
MICHONNE: Who, Rick, who’s coming?
RICK: The walkers. Herds of them. They’re coming this way and…and--
MAGGIE: What? What is it?
RICK: They’ve got ballots!
ANNOUNCER (O.S.): It’s the Walking Dead Election Special.
TRUMP: Ah-ha! I knew it! All those dead people still registered to vote! The system is so rigged. Bigly!
MAGGIE: You shouldn’t be here, either of you. It’s against election protocol.
MICHONNE: Really, Rick, you knew we needed to pick a new winner. Especially after that whole Negan fiasco. Right, Maggie?
(Maggie bursts out crying.)
MICHONNE: Oh, right. My bad.
TRUMP: Have you been campaigning for them, Deputy?
RICK: No, I’ve been fleeing from them. They’re trying to eat me!
TRUMP: Only losers get eaten! This is a new age Rick, you’ve been on top too long and you’re addicted to it. You love bossing people around. You’re running around, cocky, abusing people. You lord your presence over everyone and make sure everything is about you!
MAGGIE: That’s not Rick at all.
TRUMP: No? Oh, wait, that’s me. Whoops. Why do I keep doing that?
(Morgan enters.)
MORGAN: Rick, we just got word from the pollsters from the Hill.
RICK: And?
MORGAN: They’ve been eaten by walkers.
TRUMP: Losers.
MICHONNE: How much longer can this go on? I hate it!
TRUMP: Hate it? It’s great! Do you know how much more frequent my wife turnover rate is now?
MAGGIE: You’re a horrible, terrible man.
TRUMP: You’re a nasty lady. So nasty.
MICHONNE: I’m writing in the name of a walker. Do we know the names of any walkers?
MORGAN: Protest votes don’t work. Remember, that’s how the Governor got elected of Woodbury!
RICK: Nobody wants that to happen again.
TRUMP: The Governor was a loser. He gets to run a town and the highest thing he can think up to be is Governor?
(The first WALKERS come in, carrying ballots.)
MICHONNE: Look out!
WALKER 1: Trump!
WALKER 2: Drain the swamp!
(Walker attacks Person 1 on the line.)
PERSON 2: Hey, I’m votin’ here!
WALKER 3: Lock him up!
WALKER 1: Build that wall!
MAGGIE: Why would walkers want us to build a wall?
(Quickly, Maggie, Michonne, Rick and Morgan kill the walkers.)
TRUMP: Wait a second, those walkers were supporting me!
MICHONNE: What of it?
TRUMP: Voter suppression! I finally caught you in the act! Voter suppression! I demand a recount!
MICHONNE: Look at the flowers, Donald.
TRUMP: What flowers? Oh, those flowers, very nice.
(Michonne shoots Trump. He goes down. Everyone just stares at Michonne.)
MICHONNE: What? Fine, fine, I’m banished again.
(Maggie grabs some ballots.)
MAGGIE: No, wait, Michonne won! Everyone wrote in her name!
MICHONNE: About time!
RICK: So, what do we do first?
MICHONNE: Cut taxes, of course!
The End
