Man, I love this sketch. It's just so silly and so Halloween-y and corny (Candy corny! Get it? Get it?) and it all just fell together. I wrote it for PHC and they passed. As did all, right down the line, so obliviously, what do I know? And I believe I was well ahead of the curve on this idea. And had little to do with the Jason movies, it was wider than that. Just a tribute to fast food and horror movies in general. The "visual" stuff was added at a later date, but it's very much a Prairie Home Companion sketch. It's all voice work and SFX.
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And don't forget, Halloweenies is on sale at Amazon! Order your copy today!
TGIFriday the 13th
ANNOUNCER: And now a word from our sponsor.
(MAN and WOMAN at table. The host, BORIS, enters.)
BORIS: Tired of the same old boring restaurants? Then maybe it’s time for you to drop in at T.G.I.Friday the 13th Bar & Grill. It’s the grill with thrills, presenting the best of Transylvanian cuisine, both northern and southern Transylvania! For a ghoulishly good time, there’s nothing like a last meal at T.G.I.Friday the 13th’s.
(As he speaks, GOTH GIRL WAITRESS sidles up with the entrees.)
BORIS: Try one of our frighteningly good main courses, like spaghetti & eyeballs, potatoes au rotten or maybe some Ghoul-lash...made from real ghouls. How about a nice steak?
(Boris goes to the side. DRACULA pops up.)
DRACULA: No, stakes, please.
(Boris goes to the table where a VOODOO ZOMBIE who now waits on the table.)
BORIS: Our zombie waiters have been created to serve you with the utmost courtesy and care.
(ZOMBIE STEVE is serving the WOMAN and MAN.)
ZOMBIE STEVE: I’m Steve. I’ll be your zombie server tonight. Would you like to order some drinks?
WOMAN: What do you recommend?
ZOMBIE STEVE: The zombies.
BORIS: Unwind with a drink so delicious, it’s scary. Have a Bloody Mary or Frosty Franken-stein of beer to wash down one of our tasty appetizers. Try our Buffalo wings made from real Buffalo. Mozzella sticks made from real sticks. Have a lady finger?
(Woman screams off stage.)
BORIS: They’ll be ready in a minute. Come on in anytime. Have a rough week at work? Then you’ll enjoy this:
(WOMAN 2 at the bar, looks off in horror.)
WOMAN 2: It’s my boss! On a meat hook!!! (screams!)
BORIS: Bring the family for one of our mouthwatering kiddie meals, made from real kiddies.
(The CHILD CATCHER from “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang” comes out the door with a mixing bowl and chef’s hat. The Man wanders over.)
MAN: I work at PETA! Did you say kitties? Baby cats?
BORIS: No, I said kiddies, small children.
MAN: Oh. Okay, then.
(Man returns to table.)
BORIS: So whether you’re an early-riser or a night crawler, you’ll have something to scream about at T.G.I.Friday the 13th.
ANNOUNCER: Coupons only valid after they expire. Management is not responsible for any possession you may suffer.
THE END
(MAN and WOMAN at table. The host, BORIS, enters.)
BORIS: Tired of the same old boring restaurants? Then maybe it’s time for you to drop in at T.G.I.Friday the 13th Bar & Grill. It’s the grill with thrills, presenting the best of Transylvanian cuisine, both northern and southern Transylvania! For a ghoulishly good time, there’s nothing like a last meal at T.G.I.Friday the 13th’s.
(As he speaks, GOTH GIRL WAITRESS sidles up with the entrees.)
BORIS: Try one of our frighteningly good main courses, like spaghetti & eyeballs, potatoes au rotten or maybe some Ghoul-lash...made from real ghouls. How about a nice steak?
(Boris goes to the side. DRACULA pops up.)
DRACULA: No, stakes, please.
(Boris goes to the table where a VOODOO ZOMBIE who now waits on the table.)
BORIS: Our zombie waiters have been created to serve you with the utmost courtesy and care.
(ZOMBIE STEVE is serving the WOMAN and MAN.)
ZOMBIE STEVE: I’m Steve. I’ll be your zombie server tonight. Would you like to order some drinks?
WOMAN: What do you recommend?
ZOMBIE STEVE: The zombies.
BORIS: Unwind with a drink so delicious, it’s scary. Have a Bloody Mary or Frosty Franken-stein of beer to wash down one of our tasty appetizers. Try our Buffalo wings made from real Buffalo. Mozzella sticks made from real sticks. Have a lady finger?
(Woman screams off stage.)
BORIS: They’ll be ready in a minute. Come on in anytime. Have a rough week at work? Then you’ll enjoy this:
(WOMAN 2 at the bar, looks off in horror.)
WOMAN 2: It’s my boss! On a meat hook!!! (screams!)
BORIS: Bring the family for one of our mouthwatering kiddie meals, made from real kiddies.
(The CHILD CATCHER from “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang” comes out the door with a mixing bowl and chef’s hat. The Man wanders over.)
MAN: I work at PETA! Did you say kitties? Baby cats?
BORIS: No, I said kiddies, small children.
MAN: Oh. Okay, then.
(Man returns to table.)
BORIS: So whether you’re an early-riser or a night crawler, you’ll have something to scream about at T.G.I.Friday the 13th.
ANNOUNCER: Coupons only valid after they expire. Management is not responsible for any possession you may suffer.
THE END
