It Came From the Mailroom
GK: Garrison Keillor
Postal workers 1, 2, A, B, C
PG: Postmaster General
GK: A programming note now, this Halloween Public Radio present a harrowing tale of horror; "It Came from the Mailroom."
P1: Okay, guys, everyone is worried about this anthrax---
P2: Not me! I'm wearing the anthrax patch. See?
P1: Fine, everyone except Jorgensen is worried about this anthrax but we have a new weapon to use...this!
P2: What is it?
P1: The Postal Irradiator 2001. From now on, all our mail will pass through this machine and be bombarded with radiation which will kill off all those pesky microbes.
P2: Cool. Can I turn it on?
P1: Sit down, Jorgensen.
P2: Sorry. It's the patch. It makes me kinda jumpy.
P1: All right, let's load up the first batch of mail and let 'er rip!
P1: That, my boys, is the sound of the USPS keeping America safe!
NR: Later that night...
PA: Man, I hate the midnight shift.
PB: Me, too.
PA: What was that?
PB: What was what?
PA That noise.
PB: I didn't hear anything.
PA: There was a definite noise.
PB: Must have been the wind.
PA: We're in the basement.
(scrapping noise, stumble)
PA: There it is again...coming from the room with all that irradiated mail.
PB: Some sacks must have fallen over. I'll go check.
PA: Maybe we should call someone?
PB: Are you a US Postal worker or aren't you? What a wussy. I'm going to open that door and---
(a struggle, eating noises)
PA: Davis! Oh no, it got Davis! I'm getting out of here!
(footsteps running upstairs. Continue. They pause, some heavy breathing. Running resumes. Door opens)
PA: Help! Help!
PC: What is it, Woodward?
PA: Downstairs! It got Davis!
PC: What got Davis?
PA: It, it was a pile of junk mail! Come to life! It got Davis!
PC: You're crazy!
PA: Oh, am I? Look!
PC: Holy Zip Code! It's a pile of mutated junk mail here to reek havoc! We should shoot it!
PD: No! It's a new life form. We should try to communicate with it. Find out what it wants. I'm going to talk to it...Hello, Mr. Mutant Junk Mail, I'm Postal Sorter Ralph Bellows. What brings you here?
(Monster roars. Struggle. Eating)
PC: Bellows! Bellows! Did you find out what it wants?
PD: Yes! Lunch! Ah!
PC: We have to shot it. Anyone here have a gun?
P1: I do.
P2: Me, too
P3: Here's one.
P4: How many you need?
GK: "It came from the Mailroom," a classic tale of science and mail gone awry. Thrill to the exciting conclusion as the postal authorities chase the creature to the top of the American Publishing House Building.
PC: We'll never get it now!
PG: Never say never, Mr. Postal worker.
PA: It's the Postmaster General!
PG: Attention! Okay, troops, listen up and listen up hard. We're going in there. It's up to us, because we are the mail professionals. Everyone have their hand-held cancel stamp?
PC: Yes, sir.
PG: Then let's get in there and postmark that thing back to hell! Charge!
GK: "It came from the Mailroom," from the producer's of last year's frightening tale "Dawn of the Dead Letter Office." This Halloween on your local public radio station.