Well, here I wrote a sequel to the Halloween bit that didn't get used in 2002. It's people showing up to trick or treat in the middle of the show! Again! But this time I was doing some serious recycling. A lot of the dialogue is lifted from my Halloweenies script (which made its way into the book version, available now on Amazon). The song is one we sang as kids growing up. Plus, I was trying to give the bit a real "Lake Woebegon" feel to it, letting Keillor wax nostalgic at the end. It's very loosey-goosey structure-wise; dialogue triggers a scene; is it a flashback? Is it stream-of-consciousness? Is it a segue? Is it "This is Us?" It's radio! It's any of those things! Thanks, Marconi!
I'll note here the format of the sketches. They never gave me a template. I looked at the sketches they posted online and that was the format, a two letter character "name" and dialogue, with a list of the initials and what they stood for at the top. It got tricky coming up with 2 initial characters. Hey, maybe that's why they didn't get picked!
I'll note here the format of the sketches. They never gave me a template. I looked at the sketches they posted online and that was the format, a two letter character "name" and dialogue, with a list of the initials and what they stood for at the top. It got tricky coming up with 2 initial characters. Hey, maybe that's why they didn't get picked!
And don't forget, Halloweenies on sale at Amazon! Order your copy today!
Costumes 2003
cast:
GK
K1: Kid 1
K2: Kid 2
MO: Mom
(Door Bell)
GK: Now, who could that be?
(door opens)
KIDS: Trick or treat, smell my feet, give us something good to eat!
GK: It's hard to believe Halloween is upon us again. It gets earlier and earlier every year.
K1: At least it takes the edge of starting school.
K2: Halloween is the only thing standing between us and Christmas commercials during Labor Day weekend.
GK: What are you dressed up as?
K1: A ghoul.
K2: I'm a zombie.
K1: A zombie's cool.
K2: My brother has a hockey mask. He went as Freddy.
K1: Freddy doesn't wear a hockey mask. That's Mike Meyers.
GK: Austin Powers wore a hockey mask?
K2: It wasn't Mike Meyers or Austin Powers. Jason wears a hockey mask.
K1: Oh, right. I wonder why he does that? It can't be because he's afraid of witnesses. He never leaves any.
GK: It's so they can have anyone play the part and not have to worry about him demanding big bucks.
K1: Geez, ruin the illusion, why don't ya?
GK: So why did you choose to be a ghoul?
K1: I didn't know what I wanted to be this year. There was a couple of things I liked but nothing I really want to be. So it wasn't that easy. I kind of choked.
GK: How hard can it be?
K1: It's not that easy. I have to think of something, then it takes, like, two weeks to bug my mom into buying it and then you have to hope they aren't sold out.
K2: Yeah. You want something good. But original, too.
K1: Yeah, nobody wants a repeat of the Harry Potter disaster of 2001. Then you have to make sure you can get stuff pass mom...
MO: No, you can't wear that devil mask.
K1: Mom!
MO: Nothing evil. I don't like that.
K1: Mom!
MO: Why can't you go as a cowboy or spaceman?
K1: An evil spaceman?
MO: I'm not laughing.
K1: Jeez, Mom, why don't I just go as an accountant? Hey, I could go as a bum.
MO: It's making light of the homeless.
K1: A ghost?
MO: It would offend people mourning their dead.
K1: Pirate?
MO: Perpetuating buccaneer-American stereotypes.
GK: Yes, it was true. You had to haggle: costume prices was considered, appropriateness, popularity, availability or level of evilness. The costume debate would go on and on.
MO: Won't that mask encumber your vision?
K1: Huh?
MO: Isn't that what Officer Steve was talking about when he spoke to your class about Halloween safety?
K1: How did you know about that?
MO: What do you think we do at these PTA meetings? We organized that.
K1: Oh, man. Is this widely known?
MO: Be quiet and pick out an acceptable costume. How about a skeleton? That's kind of creepy.
K1: Look, Mom, if it's a skeleton costume it should have the body bones, not a picture of a dancing skeleton. It looks more like a giant baby bib.
MO: Here's a space ranger.
K1: Why doesn't it just look like a space ranger uniform? If you have to write the words "Space Ranger" on it, it isn't a very good costume.
MO: Now that you mention it, it is more like a billboard than a costume.
K1: I've thought about this a lot, Mom.
MO: I know, honey. And frankly, it's got me a bit concerned.
GK: Then there were the school yard disagreements. The pro-Halloween caucus and their philosophical differences with others.
K2: Halloween's good, but it's no Christmas.
K1: Are you kidding? Halloween is way better than Christmas.
K2: You're nuts.
K1: Look at it. Christmas; the whole thing is based on how good you have to be, how well behaved. Naughty or nice. Coal or toys. Getting clothes is considered a good present. And they hold it over our heads forever. Now, think of Halloween. Candy! All you get is candy. And you say trick-or-treat. It's an implied threat. You get to be bad. It's expected.
K2: Yeah, but it's not an official holiday. We don't get off from school or anything.
K1: Yeah, but you don't have to go to church either. Plus we get to go to school in costumes and have a party. Even the teachers know they can't teach anything on Halloween. It's win-win.
GK: Not to mention the whole fantasy fulfillment aspect.
(the kids agree)
GK: So Halloween would be a day of candy and fun, of being someone else and knowing that the next day, we'd be ourselves again. And the bags would fill, and the dusk would come. Then we would all gather 'round and sing our favorite Halloween songs...
GK
K1: Kid 1
K2: Kid 2
MO: Mom
(Door Bell)
GK: Now, who could that be?
(door opens)
KIDS: Trick or treat, smell my feet, give us something good to eat!
GK: It's hard to believe Halloween is upon us again. It gets earlier and earlier every year.
K1: At least it takes the edge of starting school.
K2: Halloween is the only thing standing between us and Christmas commercials during Labor Day weekend.
GK: What are you dressed up as?
K1: A ghoul.
K2: I'm a zombie.
K1: A zombie's cool.
K2: My brother has a hockey mask. He went as Freddy.
K1: Freddy doesn't wear a hockey mask. That's Mike Meyers.
GK: Austin Powers wore a hockey mask?
K2: It wasn't Mike Meyers or Austin Powers. Jason wears a hockey mask.
K1: Oh, right. I wonder why he does that? It can't be because he's afraid of witnesses. He never leaves any.
GK: It's so they can have anyone play the part and not have to worry about him demanding big bucks.
K1: Geez, ruin the illusion, why don't ya?
GK: So why did you choose to be a ghoul?
K1: I didn't know what I wanted to be this year. There was a couple of things I liked but nothing I really want to be. So it wasn't that easy. I kind of choked.
GK: How hard can it be?
K1: It's not that easy. I have to think of something, then it takes, like, two weeks to bug my mom into buying it and then you have to hope they aren't sold out.
K2: Yeah. You want something good. But original, too.
K1: Yeah, nobody wants a repeat of the Harry Potter disaster of 2001. Then you have to make sure you can get stuff pass mom...
MO: No, you can't wear that devil mask.
K1: Mom!
MO: Nothing evil. I don't like that.
K1: Mom!
MO: Why can't you go as a cowboy or spaceman?
K1: An evil spaceman?
MO: I'm not laughing.
K1: Jeez, Mom, why don't I just go as an accountant? Hey, I could go as a bum.
MO: It's making light of the homeless.
K1: A ghost?
MO: It would offend people mourning their dead.
K1: Pirate?
MO: Perpetuating buccaneer-American stereotypes.
GK: Yes, it was true. You had to haggle: costume prices was considered, appropriateness, popularity, availability or level of evilness. The costume debate would go on and on.
MO: Won't that mask encumber your vision?
K1: Huh?
MO: Isn't that what Officer Steve was talking about when he spoke to your class about Halloween safety?
K1: How did you know about that?
MO: What do you think we do at these PTA meetings? We organized that.
K1: Oh, man. Is this widely known?
MO: Be quiet and pick out an acceptable costume. How about a skeleton? That's kind of creepy.
K1: Look, Mom, if it's a skeleton costume it should have the body bones, not a picture of a dancing skeleton. It looks more like a giant baby bib.
MO: Here's a space ranger.
K1: Why doesn't it just look like a space ranger uniform? If you have to write the words "Space Ranger" on it, it isn't a very good costume.
MO: Now that you mention it, it is more like a billboard than a costume.
K1: I've thought about this a lot, Mom.
MO: I know, honey. And frankly, it's got me a bit concerned.
GK: Then there were the school yard disagreements. The pro-Halloween caucus and their philosophical differences with others.
K2: Halloween's good, but it's no Christmas.
K1: Are you kidding? Halloween is way better than Christmas.
K2: You're nuts.
K1: Look at it. Christmas; the whole thing is based on how good you have to be, how well behaved. Naughty or nice. Coal or toys. Getting clothes is considered a good present. And they hold it over our heads forever. Now, think of Halloween. Candy! All you get is candy. And you say trick-or-treat. It's an implied threat. You get to be bad. It's expected.
K2: Yeah, but it's not an official holiday. We don't get off from school or anything.
K1: Yeah, but you don't have to go to church either. Plus we get to go to school in costumes and have a party. Even the teachers know they can't teach anything on Halloween. It's win-win.
GK: Not to mention the whole fantasy fulfillment aspect.
(the kids agree)
GK: So Halloween would be a day of candy and fun, of being someone else and knowing that the next day, we'd be ourselves again. And the bags would fill, and the dusk would come. Then we would all gather 'round and sing our favorite Halloween songs...
Never laugh when the hearse goes by
Or you may be the next to die.
They wrap you up in a bloody sheet
And they they drop you 30 feet
All goes well for about a week.
And then your coffin springs a leak.
The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out
They eat your guts and spit them out.
Your tongue foams up like shaving cream,
And then your coffin bursts a seam
Your eyes cave in, your teeth decay
And that's the end of a wonderful day.
end
Or you may be the next to die.
They wrap you up in a bloody sheet
And they they drop you 30 feet
All goes well for about a week.
And then your coffin springs a leak.
The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out
They eat your guts and spit them out.
Your tongue foams up like shaving cream,
And then your coffin bursts a seam
Your eyes cave in, your teeth decay
And that's the end of a wonderful day.
end
