In the Pocket of Big Pitchfork
Suddenly IGOR rushes in. He’s hunched over and leans to the left.)
IGOR: Doctor! Doctor Frankenstein!
FRANKENSTEIN: What is it, Igor?
IGOR: The villagers have formed a mob to hunt and kill the creature! They’re chasing it through the woods now!
FRANKENSTEIN: How did this all come to be! I can’t believe how badly my experiment went! Here I was, trying to create life only to give birth to a monster! A monster!
(Just then, the MONSTER bursts in. They fight. Igor grabs a bat and knocks the monster out.)
IGOR: Boom! How you like me now!
(Frankenstein places him on the table.)
FRANKENSTEIN: Igor, get my instruments! I created this creature piece by piece and now the only way to destroy it is taking it apart, piece by piece!
(The monster starts to move. Igor notices.)
FRANKENSTEIN: Quickly, the sedative!
(Igor hits him with the bat again.)
FRANKENSTEIN: How about we try the syringe next time, shall we?
(Frankenstein picks up a scalpel. There’s a knock at the door.)
FRANKENSTEIN: Go away!
FRANKENSTEIN: Send them away!
(Igor exits. A moment later Igor enters with DAVE and LISA. Igor is counting a lot of money.)
IGOR: Master, Ms. Keiser and Mr. Shuster to see you.
FRANKENSTEIN: I told you to send them away!
IGOR: (counting money) You did. But they made it worth my while.
FRANKENSTEIN: What is it? I’m kinda in the middle of something here.
DAVE: Doctor! At last we meet!
FRANKENSTEIN: Who are you?
LISA: Hi! I’m Lisa Keiser, I run the town’s farm supply store.
DAVE: And I’m Dave Shuster. I own Dave’s House of Torches.
FRANKENSTEIN: Yes, yes, what is it?
DAVE: About the monster--
FRANKENSTEIN: What about it?
LISA: We heard you captured him.
(The monster moans.)
DAVE: So, is the monster okay?
FRANKENSTEIN: Ok? It’s a deranged, inhuman killing machine!
DAVE: I mean, besides that--
LISA: He’s still, you know, alive?
FRANKENSTEIN: It’s alive! Alive!
DAVE: That’s a relief.
FRANKENSTEIN: But only in a technical sense.
IGOR: Technical sense? Yesterday you were running around bragging how only you could bring him to life.
FRANKENSTEIN: That’s a lie! A lie!
(Igor backs off.)
DAVE: So, is it still a threat?
FRANKENSTEIN: Not for long, I've vowed to, to destroy the monster! Why do you think I have my scalpel out? It’s a knife! A knife!
LISA: Easy there, doc.
DAVE: We’re wondering if maybe we could make a deal.
FRANKENSTEIN: A deal? What are you talking about?
DAVE: Funny thing, sales of torches and pitchforks have never been higher.
LISA: True that. Through the roof. They’ve been selling like hotcakes this week.
IGOR: I like hotcakes.
FRANKENSTEIN: Shut up before I ship you back to Dr. Jekyll.
LISA: Things were really slow around here until that monster started tearing up the countryside. Before, I’d sell maybe one or two pitchforks a week. Now, my entire inventory is gone! Fifty pitchforks! I haven’t sold that many in a year! I got people buying very sharp hoes and shovels now, just because I’m sold out!
DAVE: And I don’t have to tell you the torch market pretty much dried up after the mine closed.
LISA: And the invention of electricity.
DAVE: Yeah, I took a real hit with that. Yet this week I sold over 40 torches. I haven’t sold 40 torches since the eclipse!
FRANKENSTEIN: What are you saying? It’s all jive! Jive!
LISA: We're willing to fund and support your work here at the castle.
DAVE: Yes. I mean with you and your monster running around, the market for torches and pitchforks is going to be very bullish!
LISA: We’ll be making money hand over fist…
IGOR: I’ve dug up both hands and fists.
DAVE: You could use some cash, right, doc? I mean look at that thing over there.
IGOR: The buzzy noisy thing?
FRANKENSTEIN: Buzzy noisy thing? That’s the Electro defibulator! How long have you been working with me?
IGOR: Well, excuse me, Herr Doctor.
DAVE: It’s looking a little run down.
FRANKENSTEIN: I did buy it second hand.
LISA: Be nice to get a brand-spanking new one, right?
FRANKENSTEIN: Sure, but--
DAVE: And look at this castle. Drafty. Holes in the roof. You got that weird lava pit in the backyard.
LISA: With a cut of the profits, you could get a lovely chalet.
DAVE: Maybe move to the next town, Visaria.
IGOR: Just in time for the Festival of the New Wine!
LISA: Yes, where they don’t fear and despise the name Frankenstein.
FRANKENSTEIN: I’ve been considering that. But, no, no, the monster must die! How much are we talking?
IGOR: You would put people’s lives at risk for money?
FRANKENSTEIN: Oh, suddenly, what, you don’t like money now? You’re a communist all of the sudden?
IGOR: I’ve always leaned to the left.
FRANKENSTEIN: That joke is contrived! Contrived!
DAVE: We’re talking huge profits.
LISA: Enormous profits. You could have six or seven Igors working for you.
LISA: And you could certainly use the money to continue your research.
DAVE: (patting monster on head) Yeah. Face it, you’ve got some bugs to work out with this whole “reanimating dead flesh” thing.
LISA: It’d sure be nice to have the cash to work out the kinks.
IGOR: I could get a raise!
FRANKENSTEIN: I mean, of course, there are always problems with the…proto-type. I could work on perfecting the process.
LISA: Well, sure. But market research shows you should try for something that would appeal more to the female market.
FRANKENSTEIN: Perhaps a bride!
DAVE: That’s it, think big. I’d still be in the match industry if I didn’t think big.
IGOR: Master! The villagers are approaching!
(Frankenstein goes to the monster and shakes him awake.)
FRANKENSTEIN: Wake up! Hurry! Revive! Revive!
(Monster gets up.)
FRANKENSTEIN: Quickly head out to the woods. Out by the old blind hermit’s shack. He owes me a favor.
(Monster heads out, passing Igor who’s got his bat out. VILLAGERS suddenly burst in.)
VILLAGER 1: Frankenstein! Where’s that monster?
VILLAGER 2: Kill the monster!
DAVE: Now, now, people, calm down. Lisa and I have had a long talk with the doctor and everything is taken care of.
VILLAGER 1:It is?
VILLAGE 2: Kill the monster?
LISA: Yes, it’s all under control. And to celebrate, we’re having a huge sale on pitchforks and torches!
VILLAGER 3: Well, I could sure use a new pitchfork.
VILLAGER 1: And my torch keeps sputtering.
DAVE: That settles it then! I’ll meet you at the store!
LISA: Fifty percent off. Just use the coupon code “Aaaaah!”
VILLAGER 1: Cool.
(The Villagers leave. Then we hear SCREAMS.)
LISA: Hear that? Ca-ching!
DAVE: We got a deal?
FRANKENSTEIN: It’s a bribe! A bribe!
(They all shake hands.)