One of the things about Halloween and Election Day coming so close together is that there's a lot of cross over that can happen (See: "You're NOT Elected, Charlie Brown"). Halloween 2016 was like that (this year too, based on some of the sketches I'm in the process of putting together for TMI: Hollywood). Frankly, I've forgotten what triggered the idea, but I liked the twist on the Frankenstein movies that maybe somebody could make some bucks off of it and how much "dark money" goes into a good horror tale. Needless to say, the troupe passed on it, but I was well in my stride now, the sketches were longer, the cast larger and the effort to give each actor a moment was helping the writing a lot.
Anyway, thanks for reading! And if you like Halloween comedy, check out my book, Halloweenies, available at Amazon! It's all treat and no trick!
In the Pocket of Big Pitchfork
(Inside the Frankenstein castle. DOCTOR FRANKENSTEIN is working, mixing some test tubes.
Suddenly IGOR rushes in. He’s hunched over and leans to the left.)
IGOR: Doctor! Doctor Frankenstein!
FRANKENSTEIN: What is it, Igor?
IGOR: The villagers have formed a mob to hunt and kill the creature! They’re chasing it through the woods now!
FRANKENSTEIN: How did this all come to be! I can’t believe how badly my experiment went! Here I was, trying to create life only to give birth to a monster! A monster!
(Just then, the MONSTER bursts in. They fight. Igor grabs a bat and knocks the monster out.)
IGOR: Boom! How you like me now!
(Frankenstein places him on the table.)
FRANKENSTEIN: Igor, get my instruments! I created this creature piece by piece and now the only way to destroy it is taking it apart, piece by piece!
(The monster starts to move. Igor notices.)
IGOR: Master!
FRANKENSTEIN: Quickly, the sedative!
(Igor hits him with the bat again.)
FRANKENSTEIN: How about we try the syringe next time, shall we?
(Frankenstein picks up a scalpel. There’s a knock at the door.)
FRANKENSTEIN: Go away!
(More knocking.)
FRANKENSTEIN: Send them away!
(Igor exits. A moment later Igor enters with DAVE and LISA. Igor is counting a lot of money.)
IGOR: Master, Ms. Keiser and Mr. Shuster to see you.
FRANKENSTEIN: I told you to send them away!
IGOR: (counting money) You did. But they made it worth my while.
FRANKENSTEIN: What is it? I’m kinda in the middle of something here.
DAVE: Doctor! At last we meet!
FRANKENSTEIN: Who are you?
LISA: Hi! I’m Lisa Keiser, I run the town’s farm supply store.
DAVE: And I’m Dave Shuster. I own Dave’s House of Torches.
FRANKENSTEIN: Yes, yes, what is it?
DAVE: About the monster--
FRANKENSTEIN: What about it?
LISA: We heard you captured him.
FRANKENSTEIN: Possibly.
(The monster moans.)
DAVE: So, is the monster okay?
FRANKENSTEIN: Ok? It’s a deranged, inhuman killing machine!
DAVE: I mean, besides that--
LISA: He’s still, you know, alive?
FRANKENSTEIN: It’s alive! Alive!
DAVE: That’s a relief.
FRANKENSTEIN: But only in a technical sense.
IGOR: Technical sense? Yesterday you were running around bragging how only you could bring him to life.
FRANKENSTEIN: That’s a lie! A lie!
(Igor backs off.)
DAVE: So, is it still a threat?
FRANKENSTEIN: Not for long, I've vowed to, to destroy the monster! Why do you think I have my scalpel out? It’s a knife! A knife!
LISA: Easy there, doc.
DAVE: We’re wondering if maybe we could make a deal.
FRANKENSTEIN: A deal? What are you talking about?
DAVE: Funny thing, sales of torches and pitchforks have never been higher.
LISA: True that. Through the roof. They’ve been selling like hotcakes this week.
`
IGOR: I like hotcakes.
FRANKENSTEIN: Shut up before I ship you back to Dr. Jekyll.
LISA: Things were really slow around here until that monster started tearing up the countryside. Before, I’d sell maybe one or two pitchforks a week. Now, my entire inventory is gone! Fifty pitchforks! I haven’t sold that many in a year! I got people buying very sharp hoes and shovels now, just because I’m sold out!
DAVE: And I don’t have to tell you the torch market pretty much dried up after the mine closed.
LISA: And the invention of electricity.
DAVE: Yeah, I took a real hit with that. Yet this week I sold over 40 torches. I haven’t sold 40 torches since the eclipse!
FRANKENSTEIN: What are you saying? It’s all jive! Jive!
LISA: We're willing to fund and support your work here at the castle.
DAVE: Yes. I mean with you and your monster running around, the market for torches and pitchforks is going to be very bullish!
LISA: We’ll be making money hand over fist…
IGOR: I’ve dug up both hands and fists.
FRANKENSTEIN: Quiet!
DAVE: You could use some cash, right, doc? I mean look at that thing over there.
IGOR: The buzzy noisy thing?
FRANKENSTEIN: Buzzy noisy thing? That’s the Electro defibulator! How long have you been working with me?
IGOR: Well, excuse me, Herr Doctor.
DAVE: It’s looking a little run down.
FRANKENSTEIN: I did buy it second hand.
LISA: Be nice to get a brand-spanking new one, right?
FRANKENSTEIN: Sure, but--
DAVE: And look at this castle. Drafty. Holes in the roof. You got that weird lava pit in the backyard.
LISA: With a cut of the profits, you could get a lovely chalet.
DAVE: Maybe move to the next town, Visaria.
IGOR: Just in time for the Festival of the New Wine!
LISA: Yes, where they don’t fear and despise the name Frankenstein.
FRANKENSTEIN: I’ve been considering that. But, no, no, the monster must die! How much are we talking?
IGOR: You would put people’s lives at risk for money?
FRANKENSTEIN: Oh, suddenly, what, you don’t like money now? You’re a communist all of the sudden?
IGOR: I’ve always leaned to the left.
FRANKENSTEIN: That joke is contrived! Contrived!
DAVE: We’re talking huge profits.
LISA: Enormous profits. You could have six or seven Igors working for you.
IGOR: Hey!
LISA: And you could certainly use the money to continue your research.
DAVE: (patting monster on head) Yeah. Face it, you’ve got some bugs to work out with this whole “reanimating dead flesh” thing.
LISA: It’d sure be nice to have the cash to work out the kinks.
IGOR: I could get a raise!
FRANKENSTEIN: I mean, of course, there are always problems with the…proto-type. I could work on perfecting the process.
LISA: Well, sure. But market research shows you should try for something that would appeal more to the female market.
FRANKENSTEIN: Perhaps a bride!
DAVE: That’s it, think big. I’d still be in the match industry if I didn’t think big.
IGOR: Master! The villagers are approaching!
(Frankenstein goes to the monster and shakes him awake.)
FRANKENSTEIN: Wake up! Hurry! Revive! Revive!
(Monster gets up.)
FRANKENSTEIN: Quickly head out to the woods. Out by the old blind hermit’s shack. He owes me a favor.
(Monster heads out, passing Igor who’s got his bat out. VILLAGERS suddenly burst in.)
VILLAGER 1: Frankenstein! Where’s that monster?
VILLAGER 2: Kill the monster!
DAVE: Now, now, people, calm down. Lisa and I have had a long talk with the doctor and everything is taken care of.
VILLAGER 1:It is?
VILLAGE 2: Kill the monster?
LISA: Yes, it’s all under control. And to celebrate, we’re having a huge sale on pitchforks and torches!
VILLAGER 3: Well, I could sure use a new pitchfork.
VILLAGER 1: And my torch keeps sputtering.
DAVE: That settles it then! I’ll meet you at the store!
LISA: Fifty percent off. Just use the coupon code “Aaaaah!”
VILLAGER 1: Cool.
(The Villagers leave. Then we hear SCREAMS.)
LISA: Hear that? Ca-ching!
DAVE: We got a deal?
FRANKENSTEIN: It’s a bribe! A bribe!
(They all shake hands.)
The end
Suddenly IGOR rushes in. He’s hunched over and leans to the left.)
IGOR: Doctor! Doctor Frankenstein!
FRANKENSTEIN: What is it, Igor?
IGOR: The villagers have formed a mob to hunt and kill the creature! They’re chasing it through the woods now!
FRANKENSTEIN: How did this all come to be! I can’t believe how badly my experiment went! Here I was, trying to create life only to give birth to a monster! A monster!
(Just then, the MONSTER bursts in. They fight. Igor grabs a bat and knocks the monster out.)
IGOR: Boom! How you like me now!
(Frankenstein places him on the table.)
FRANKENSTEIN: Igor, get my instruments! I created this creature piece by piece and now the only way to destroy it is taking it apart, piece by piece!
(The monster starts to move. Igor notices.)
IGOR: Master!
FRANKENSTEIN: Quickly, the sedative!
(Igor hits him with the bat again.)
FRANKENSTEIN: How about we try the syringe next time, shall we?
(Frankenstein picks up a scalpel. There’s a knock at the door.)
FRANKENSTEIN: Go away!
(More knocking.)
FRANKENSTEIN: Send them away!
(Igor exits. A moment later Igor enters with DAVE and LISA. Igor is counting a lot of money.)
IGOR: Master, Ms. Keiser and Mr. Shuster to see you.
FRANKENSTEIN: I told you to send them away!
IGOR: (counting money) You did. But they made it worth my while.
FRANKENSTEIN: What is it? I’m kinda in the middle of something here.
DAVE: Doctor! At last we meet!
FRANKENSTEIN: Who are you?
LISA: Hi! I’m Lisa Keiser, I run the town’s farm supply store.
DAVE: And I’m Dave Shuster. I own Dave’s House of Torches.
FRANKENSTEIN: Yes, yes, what is it?
DAVE: About the monster--
FRANKENSTEIN: What about it?
LISA: We heard you captured him.
FRANKENSTEIN: Possibly.
(The monster moans.)
DAVE: So, is the monster okay?
FRANKENSTEIN: Ok? It’s a deranged, inhuman killing machine!
DAVE: I mean, besides that--
LISA: He’s still, you know, alive?
FRANKENSTEIN: It’s alive! Alive!
DAVE: That’s a relief.
FRANKENSTEIN: But only in a technical sense.
IGOR: Technical sense? Yesterday you were running around bragging how only you could bring him to life.
FRANKENSTEIN: That’s a lie! A lie!
(Igor backs off.)
DAVE: So, is it still a threat?
FRANKENSTEIN: Not for long, I've vowed to, to destroy the monster! Why do you think I have my scalpel out? It’s a knife! A knife!
LISA: Easy there, doc.
DAVE: We’re wondering if maybe we could make a deal.
FRANKENSTEIN: A deal? What are you talking about?
DAVE: Funny thing, sales of torches and pitchforks have never been higher.
LISA: True that. Through the roof. They’ve been selling like hotcakes this week.
`
IGOR: I like hotcakes.
FRANKENSTEIN: Shut up before I ship you back to Dr. Jekyll.
LISA: Things were really slow around here until that monster started tearing up the countryside. Before, I’d sell maybe one or two pitchforks a week. Now, my entire inventory is gone! Fifty pitchforks! I haven’t sold that many in a year! I got people buying very sharp hoes and shovels now, just because I’m sold out!
DAVE: And I don’t have to tell you the torch market pretty much dried up after the mine closed.
LISA: And the invention of electricity.
DAVE: Yeah, I took a real hit with that. Yet this week I sold over 40 torches. I haven’t sold 40 torches since the eclipse!
FRANKENSTEIN: What are you saying? It’s all jive! Jive!
LISA: We're willing to fund and support your work here at the castle.
DAVE: Yes. I mean with you and your monster running around, the market for torches and pitchforks is going to be very bullish!
LISA: We’ll be making money hand over fist…
IGOR: I’ve dug up both hands and fists.
FRANKENSTEIN: Quiet!
DAVE: You could use some cash, right, doc? I mean look at that thing over there.
IGOR: The buzzy noisy thing?
FRANKENSTEIN: Buzzy noisy thing? That’s the Electro defibulator! How long have you been working with me?
IGOR: Well, excuse me, Herr Doctor.
DAVE: It’s looking a little run down.
FRANKENSTEIN: I did buy it second hand.
LISA: Be nice to get a brand-spanking new one, right?
FRANKENSTEIN: Sure, but--
DAVE: And look at this castle. Drafty. Holes in the roof. You got that weird lava pit in the backyard.
LISA: With a cut of the profits, you could get a lovely chalet.
DAVE: Maybe move to the next town, Visaria.
IGOR: Just in time for the Festival of the New Wine!
LISA: Yes, where they don’t fear and despise the name Frankenstein.
FRANKENSTEIN: I’ve been considering that. But, no, no, the monster must die! How much are we talking?
IGOR: You would put people’s lives at risk for money?
FRANKENSTEIN: Oh, suddenly, what, you don’t like money now? You’re a communist all of the sudden?
IGOR: I’ve always leaned to the left.
FRANKENSTEIN: That joke is contrived! Contrived!
DAVE: We’re talking huge profits.
LISA: Enormous profits. You could have six or seven Igors working for you.
IGOR: Hey!
LISA: And you could certainly use the money to continue your research.
DAVE: (patting monster on head) Yeah. Face it, you’ve got some bugs to work out with this whole “reanimating dead flesh” thing.
LISA: It’d sure be nice to have the cash to work out the kinks.
IGOR: I could get a raise!
FRANKENSTEIN: I mean, of course, there are always problems with the…proto-type. I could work on perfecting the process.
LISA: Well, sure. But market research shows you should try for something that would appeal more to the female market.
FRANKENSTEIN: Perhaps a bride!
DAVE: That’s it, think big. I’d still be in the match industry if I didn’t think big.
IGOR: Master! The villagers are approaching!
(Frankenstein goes to the monster and shakes him awake.)
FRANKENSTEIN: Wake up! Hurry! Revive! Revive!
(Monster gets up.)
FRANKENSTEIN: Quickly head out to the woods. Out by the old blind hermit’s shack. He owes me a favor.
(Monster heads out, passing Igor who’s got his bat out. VILLAGERS suddenly burst in.)
VILLAGER 1: Frankenstein! Where’s that monster?
VILLAGER 2: Kill the monster!
DAVE: Now, now, people, calm down. Lisa and I have had a long talk with the doctor and everything is taken care of.
VILLAGER 1:It is?
VILLAGE 2: Kill the monster?
LISA: Yes, it’s all under control. And to celebrate, we’re having a huge sale on pitchforks and torches!
VILLAGER 3: Well, I could sure use a new pitchfork.
VILLAGER 1: And my torch keeps sputtering.
DAVE: That settles it then! I’ll meet you at the store!
LISA: Fifty percent off. Just use the coupon code “Aaaaah!”
VILLAGER 1: Cool.
(The Villagers leave. Then we hear SCREAMS.)
LISA: Hear that? Ca-ching!
DAVE: We got a deal?
FRANKENSTEIN: It’s a bribe! A bribe!
(They all shake hands.)
The end
