Is there anything that has a shorter shelf life than a topical sketch that isn't selected? Beside a promise to vote on it today? Well, I pulled this bit from the back of the hard drive. With the horror-days coming up, I note I am a huge fan of Halloween. I written a ton of sketches about it. Film scripts. Essays. I've written a book about it, even. But, we're here for the sketches, aren't we? Sometimes you tie the holiday to a current fad or event, and that runs the risk of turning an evergreen bit into a topical one. Or you just do a horror parody in April of 2014 and it gets a pass. This sketch goes even further back, I believe. I think it was a Prairie Home Companion submission that I re-did for a comedy troupe or two. It's in that flux point when all my skits were shorter, some barely making it to 4 pages. It was from when all those housing shows started popping up on cable.But in the spirits of the season, let's post it now!
Flip that Haunted House
ANNOUNCER (o.s.): Tonight on Flip that Haunted House, Suzanne checks out a Long Island property that belongs to Ben Mcavey.
(BEN enters with SUZANNE.)
SUZANNE: So, this is the house you have your eye on.
BEN: Yes. It's the best known house in Amityville.
SUZANNE: Oh, yes, the Amityville Horror House. A classic. Are you sure?
BEN: We really believe this property. The previous owners all killed each other, the dog died. And my wife's hair fell out after we put a bid in for it.
SUZANNE: This could be worth a lot of money.
BEN: I was hoping. What are you saying?
SUZANNE: I’m thinking, 500 to 600 thousand dollars.
BEN: Woo-hoo! Really? That would be an awesome return on my investment.
SUZANNE: So, have you actually dealt with the demon in there?
BEN: What? Well, actually, my wife called in her parish priest. We think he banished the demon into the netherworld. Then he burst into flames. And then all his hair fell out.
SUZANNE: Oh, that’s too bad.
BEN: It is?
SUZANNE: The Amityville Horror house without the horror is basically, you know, a house.
BEN: Oh. How much?
OWNER: Maybe, 200 thousand in this condition. It becomes a real hex-er-upper.
BEN: That's it? I'll be losing money on that. But..but it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground. I have the deeds and the colonial maps here.
SUZANNE: Sure, the source of the demons. It's good to know that. But you need the complete set. You won't get much more than 200. Not without the demons.
BEN: Can you help us?
SUZANNE: Now, there are some things we can do to enhance the house's appeal.
BEN: Like what?
SUZANNE: What if we put a sacrificial altar in the basement?
BEN: I guess. Nothing too ostentatious, I hope.
SUZANNE: Now, I had one of my people bury a two-headed calf in the backyard earlier, to see if we can get something else stirred up and increase the market price.
(We hear demonic screams.)
BEN: Whoa! What was that?
SUZANNE: Oh, sounds like it took root!
BEN: Look, all the clocks are running backwards!
SUZANNE: See, already we've increase your property value by over 10%!
BEN: That's terrific! Can we try digging for a hell-hole?
SUZANNE: Well, on the budget you've given us, we can, but we'd have to cut back on the totems we were going to seal into the walls.
(Ben holds up his finger.)
BEN: Red-rum! Red-rum!
SUZANNE: Excuse me, who are you going to listen to, me or your finger?
(Ben shakes it off.)
BEN: You, Suzanne.
SUZANNE: Yeah, remember that, Redrum.
ANNOUNCER: Tune in next time to Flip that Haunted House, when we meet a young couple with a cabin...in the woods.
(SCREAM. Black out.)
The end
(BEN enters with SUZANNE.)
SUZANNE: So, this is the house you have your eye on.
BEN: Yes. It's the best known house in Amityville.
SUZANNE: Oh, yes, the Amityville Horror House. A classic. Are you sure?
BEN: We really believe this property. The previous owners all killed each other, the dog died. And my wife's hair fell out after we put a bid in for it.
SUZANNE: This could be worth a lot of money.
BEN: I was hoping. What are you saying?
SUZANNE: I’m thinking, 500 to 600 thousand dollars.
BEN: Woo-hoo! Really? That would be an awesome return on my investment.
SUZANNE: So, have you actually dealt with the demon in there?
BEN: What? Well, actually, my wife called in her parish priest. We think he banished the demon into the netherworld. Then he burst into flames. And then all his hair fell out.
SUZANNE: Oh, that’s too bad.
BEN: It is?
SUZANNE: The Amityville Horror house without the horror is basically, you know, a house.
BEN: Oh. How much?
OWNER: Maybe, 200 thousand in this condition. It becomes a real hex-er-upper.
BEN: That's it? I'll be losing money on that. But..but it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground. I have the deeds and the colonial maps here.
SUZANNE: Sure, the source of the demons. It's good to know that. But you need the complete set. You won't get much more than 200. Not without the demons.
BEN: Can you help us?
SUZANNE: Now, there are some things we can do to enhance the house's appeal.
BEN: Like what?
SUZANNE: What if we put a sacrificial altar in the basement?
BEN: I guess. Nothing too ostentatious, I hope.
SUZANNE: Now, I had one of my people bury a two-headed calf in the backyard earlier, to see if we can get something else stirred up and increase the market price.
(We hear demonic screams.)
BEN: Whoa! What was that?
SUZANNE: Oh, sounds like it took root!
BEN: Look, all the clocks are running backwards!
SUZANNE: See, already we've increase your property value by over 10%!
BEN: That's terrific! Can we try digging for a hell-hole?
SUZANNE: Well, on the budget you've given us, we can, but we'd have to cut back on the totems we were going to seal into the walls.
(Ben holds up his finger.)
BEN: Red-rum! Red-rum!
SUZANNE: Excuse me, who are you going to listen to, me or your finger?
(Ben shakes it off.)
BEN: You, Suzanne.
SUZANNE: Yeah, remember that, Redrum.
ANNOUNCER: Tune in next time to Flip that Haunted House, when we meet a young couple with a cabin...in the woods.
(SCREAM. Black out.)
The end
