Flip that Haunted House
(BEN enters with SUZANNE.)
SUZANNE: So, this is the house you have your eye on.
BEN: Yes. It's the best known house in Amityville.
SUZANNE: Oh, yes, the Amityville Horror House. A classic. Are you sure?
BEN: We really believe this property. The previous owners all killed each other, the dog died. And my wife's hair fell out after we put a bid in for it.
SUZANNE: This could be worth a lot of money.
BEN: I was hoping. What are you saying?
SUZANNE: I’m thinking, 500 to 600 thousand dollars.
BEN: Woo-hoo! Really? That would be an awesome return on my investment.
SUZANNE: So, have you actually dealt with the demon in there?
BEN: What? Well, actually, my wife called in her parish priest. We think he banished the demon into the netherworld. Then he burst into flames. And then all his hair fell out.
SUZANNE: Oh, that’s too bad.
BEN: It is?
SUZANNE: The Amityville Horror house without the horror is basically, you know, a house.
BEN: Oh. How much?
OWNER: Maybe, 200 thousand in this condition. It becomes a real hex-er-upper.
BEN: That's it? I'll be losing money on that. But..but it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground. I have the deeds and the colonial maps here.
SUZANNE: Sure, the source of the demons. It's good to know that. But you need the complete set. You won't get much more than 200. Not without the demons.
BEN: Can you help us?
SUZANNE: Now, there are some things we can do to enhance the house's appeal.
BEN: Like what?
SUZANNE: What if we put a sacrificial altar in the basement?
BEN: I guess. Nothing too ostentatious, I hope.
SUZANNE: Now, I had one of my people bury a two-headed calf in the backyard earlier, to see if we can get something else stirred up and increase the market price.
(We hear demonic screams.)
BEN: Whoa! What was that?
SUZANNE: Oh, sounds like it took root!
BEN: Look, all the clocks are running backwards!
SUZANNE: See, already we've increase your property value by over 10%!
BEN: That's terrific! Can we try digging for a hell-hole?
SUZANNE: Well, on the budget you've given us, we can, but we'd have to cut back on the totems we were going to seal into the walls.
(Ben holds up his finger.)
BEN: Red-rum! Red-rum!
SUZANNE: Excuse me, who are you going to listen to, me or your finger?
(Ben shakes it off.)
BEN: You, Suzanne.
SUZANNE: Yeah, remember that, Redrum.
ANNOUNCER: Tune in next time to Flip that Haunted House, when we meet a young couple with a cabin...in the woods.
(SCREAM. Black out.)