The Sarcastic Party
(The candidates, MARY BENNETT and JOHN LUND and MODERATOR.)
MODERATOR: Good evening and welcome to the mayoral candidates’ debate. Joining us tonight are Councilwoman Mary Bennett, an Independent and her opponent, John Lund, candidate for the Sarcastic Party. Good evening, candidates.
MARY: Good evening to you.
LUND: Yeah, it's great to be here. Really. Great.
MODERATOR: We have a number of topics this evening, so let's get right to it, shall we?
LUND: I’m all aquiver with anticipation.
MODERATOR: We've heard a lot about the budget deficit. How are you going to deal with the budget shortfall?
MARY: That's one of my main proposals. We have to cut back wasteful government spending. We cannot spend more then we take in. Also, I’m proposing across-the-board tax cuts so we can stimulate the economy and increase revenues.
MODERATOR: Mr. Lund.
LUND: That's a really great question. The best I've ever heard. And you, councilwoman. Wow. Don’t spend more than we get and then reduce what we get. Swell idea. Let me write that down. Got a pencil?
MODERATOR: Uh-huh. Okay. New question; tensions in the Middle East are higher than ever. What would you regarding the Middle East?
MARY: Well, of course, it's a very volatile situation; history has shown us that time and time again. We have to listen, we have to cajole, and get them to the table and keep them talking.
MODERATOR: And Mr. Lund, how would you handle the peace process?
LUND: Well, of course, as mayor of this fair city, I’m sure I’ll be able to exert a huge amount of influence over that whole mishagotz.
MODERATER: I see. And that's your answer?
LUND: What are you, the answer police?
MODERATOR: It just seemed a rather flip answer.
LUND: Oh, really, well, how would you solve the Mideast problem, Mr. Moderator?
MODERATOR: I'm not really sure there is a way to solve the Mideast problem.
LUND: Good answer, good answer. Wasn't that a good answer, Mary?
MARY: Please just leave me out of this.
MODERATOR: New question, then. In the past, we’ve seen the municipal employees threaten to strike if their wage demands are not meant. During your administration, how do you plan to deal with the city workers if they decide to place new demands on your desk?
MARY: Well, I'd have to see what the interests of our city are. Can the budget support raises? Are the unions over-reaching? What kind of adjustments to the cost of living are needed? These all need to be considered.
MODERATOR: Mr. Lund, your response?
LUND: Well, let's see, if the president of the local workers of Whocares, wanted to negotiate a new contract but then if a meteor fell on the city and killed everyone, then it really shouldn’t be a problem.
MODERATOR: I suppose not. But I didn't say anything about a meteor.
LUND: Oh, right. I forgot, you're the only one who's allowed to make up what-if's, you're the king of hypothetical, aren't you? I bow in your presence, oh Lord of the Theoretical.
MODERATOR: Now, see, I'm not sure that's sarcasm any more. I think you moved into mockery now.
MODERATOR: That's better. Well, it seems we're just about out of time, so we'll now have closing statements.
MARY: Thank you. The people know me, they know my record. I've done a good job and I'll continue to do so. It's a huge responsibility representing the people and I'm honored to do so.
MODERATOR: Mr. Lund.
LUND: Thank you. The people know me, they know my record. I've done a good job and I'll continue to do so. It's a huge responsibility representing the people and I'm honored to do so.
MODERATOR: That was the same thing.
LUND: I was being sarcastic.
MODERATOR: That's all the time we have. I thank you both for being here.
MARY: My pleasure to participate in an important forum such as this.
LUND: My pleasure to participate in an important forum such as this.
MODERATOR: You're being sarcastic?
LUND: Big time. Because, you know, the whole election is going to turn on this debate. This could make or break me, you know?
MODERATOR: It was great having you.
LUND: Good one.