The First Ladies Club
LAURA: Oh, it’s always so exciting to welcome a new member!
BARBARA: (sipping iced tea) Is it? Is it really? (to Michelle) Could you get me another iced tea, please?
MICHELLE: Barbara, It’s me, Michelle. I’m not the servant.
BARBARA: Oh, yes of course. I’m still thirsty, though.
(Laura steps over to get it.)
LAURA: I’ll get it for you, Momma. (as she does) So, Michelle, are you looking forward to retirement?
MICHELLE: No, not really, Laura, not really. Are you?
LAURA: I am! Lord knows I needed the break. I just didn’t realize the quiet would go on this long. I thought there would be more post-presidential offers. It’s been pretty quiet.
MICHELLE: Melania! Welcome to your first meeting of the First Ladies Club.
(They hand her a drink.)
LAURA: We’re just like the first wives club, only less wacky!
MICHELLE: I’m actually a member of the 3rd wives club.
BARBARA: I’m sure you are. And just because you’re the first lady doesn’t mean you’ll be the last.
MELANIA: So, what is it we do here?
LAURA: Support each other. There aren’t many around who been had this experience. We’ve all been through it. We want to pass the torch. Teach you want you need to know.
MELANIA: So, what do I need to know?
BARBARA: You have to support the president.
MICHELLE: You’re his sounding board.
LAURA: Guide him. Keep him grounded.
MELANIA: And the butt stuff?
LAURA: Oh. Well, that’s outside our charter.
BARBARA: Great, now you’ve ruined the Lincoln bedroom for me. All those sweet, sweet memories shot to hell. Get me another iced tea!
LAURA: You want to pick a cause, to keep you busy and out of your husband’s hair.
MELANIA: Oh, yes, I’ve picked one! I’m going to stop cyberbullying!
MICHELLE: Right, like I got people to eat broccoli.
BARBARA: Enough with the broccoli! George just never shuts up about the stuff!
HILLARY: Am I late? Did I miss the hazing?
MICHELLE: There’s no hazing.
HILLARY: No hazing! There’s nothing but hazing!
MICHELLE: Hello, Hillary.
HILLARY: Hello, Michelle! Hiya Barbara! Laura, you’re looking much, much better.
LAURA: Thank you.
HILLARY: Welcome to the First Ladies Club.
MELANIA: Oh, you’re still a member?
HILLARY: Apparently you never stop being first lady around this country. So, she come up with a cause? (to Melania) Did…you…come…up…with…a…cause?
MELANIA: I understand you. I speak 5 languages.
LAURA: Oh, honey, plagiarism isn’t a language.
HILLARY: Oh really? Are you for or against?
BARBARA: Maybe you can do something about all those nudie pictures of yourself on the computer, too.
MELANIA: But people love them!
MICHELLE: Cripes, I wear a sleeveless gown and the country goes nuts. She lays it all out there and nothing.
HILLARY: You’ve seen my calendar, right? Pantsuits of the world? Worse fund raising idea we ever had.
LAURA: How are you doing, Hillary?
HILLARY: Better. I just realized, I’m off the hook now, out of the crosshairs. I have to learn to let go. And from this point forward, none of it’s my fault. It’s all on Miss November here. Hey, where’s Rosalyn?
LAURA: Oh, she called to cancel. Apparently Jimmy was getting all lusty in his heart.
BARBARA: Oh, great, now you just ruined the state of Georgia for me. Get me an iced tea!
MICHELLE: Look, boo, the men, they’re all caught up in that testosterone-driven, male competitive nonsense.
HILLARY: They are. It’s disgusting. I’ve seen it up close.
LAURA: Right, and it’ll be your job to walk him back from his most primal instincts.
BARBARA: And keep him off the sauce and smack!
LAURA: You don’t think that was your job as his mother?
MICHELLE: Settle down. Look, we all have our situations to deal with.
HILLARY: Except you. Obama is so perfect.
MICHELLE & MELANIA: True.
(Michelle throws Melania some side-eye.)
MELANIA: So, his baser instincts? Like?
HILLARY: Oh, just of the top of my head…interns.
LAURA: Invading countries.
MICHELLE: Even the right ones.
HILLARY: Trade agreements.
BARBARA: Voting for your husband.
(Laura, Michelle, Hillary all agree.)
MELANIA: I’m still not certain.
BARBARA: What do you do when he goes on the twitter and starts insulting people at 3am?
MELANIA: I turn off the wi-fi router and blame it on the cable company.
MICHELLE: There you go. You just maneuver him around, steer him where you need him to go. Hold his hands at state dinners. Hold his hands at ceremonies. Especially hold his hands around that big red button.
LAURA: Keep him distracted while the grown-ups take care of business. Does Donald paint?
MELANIA: No, he gold leafs.
BARBARA: Look, you’ll only be there 4 or 8 years.
BARBARA: They’ll be people coming in there after you, so you want to leave it all in better shape than you found it.
HILLARY: Or you’ll lose the deposit.
HILLARY: I’m kidding! I’m a kidder! There’s no deposit.
LAURA: And they make you bring back any stuff you take.
HILLARY: I didn’t take anything!
LAURA: The country is depending on the president and he’s going to depend on you. And the country will be rooting for him because we’re all in this together. Isn’t that right, Hillary?
HILLARY: Yes, yes, rooting. So much rooting.
MELANIA: I see. And it certainly is in my best interests. The longer Donald stays in the White House, the longer I get to stay his wife.
HILLARY: Oh, yeah, I forgot, the president isn’t the only one with term limits around here.
(They gather up their glasses.)
BARBARA: It’s all on you, Natasha.
LAURA: Good luck, sweetie.
HILLARY: Lord knows you’re going to need it.
LAURA: To the First Wives Club.
HILLARY: And beyond!
HILLARY: To the first wives club!