It's a weird one and dated as all get out. Apparently, the National Enquirer got some traction during the 2016 primary campaign by reporting that Ted Cruz had had affairs. So, let's toss them into the mix of a standard Sunday morning news panel with all the hot-shot newspapers, right? I sure didn't know that Trump had the Enquirer in his pocket, and that the publisher and he were besties. And, yeah, I treated the Enquirer as if were still publishing the supernatural stories that they had long since transferred to my old employer, The Weekly World News (which I cop to in the sketch). This sketch is very of its day. And typically anti-Bernie, as was my want.
Face the Press
(Sunday morning news show, on the air…)
WALTER: Welcome back to “Face the Press” and our round table debriefing. This is the part of the show where we have reporters talk about the news instead of actually presenting any news. Joining us this morning are David Connoly, senior political editor for the New York Times…
DAVID: Good Morning.
WALTER: …Rosie Devland, White House correspondent for the Washington Post…
ROSIE: Good day.
WALTER: …and Stu Wilson from the National Enquirer.
WALTER: So, what are some of the things we should be looking at in the coming week?
DAVID: Well, Walter, I think there’s going to be a lot of blowback for the Clinton campaign over her remarks about holding a debate before the New York primary.
WALTER; True. A lot of tension between her campaign and the Sanders’ team right now.
STU; Tension? That bird that landed on Sanders’ podium? Hillary had it tracked down and deep fried.
STU; Apparently it was delicious. And a warning. Our sources say.
ROSIE: Well, okay...actually, I see trouble for Trump, as more and more established Republicans decided to hold their noses and endorse Ted Cruz.
WALTER: The Never Trump movement is really pulling out the stops now.
STU: Maybe, maybe, I gotta say, the big story, just off on the horizon, is the tribe of bigfoots that are going to come out against fracking, and that puts them squarely in the Sanders’ camp.
WALTER: Bigfoot is against fracking?
DAVID: Nevertheless, if I may…a brokered Republican convention seems more likely now and even more futile. There’s no way the party can deny Trump the nomination and still pretend to be the voice of the people.
WALTER: The people have spoked loudly and repeatedly.
ROSIE: Indeed. Along those lines, I think we’re going to see Bernie Sanders start acting more like a politician to maneuver and cajole undeclared delegates as the Democratic convention approaches. Will his supporters be put off by that or are they now all-in no matter what?
WALTER: Putting the concept ideological purity to the test.
STU: Well, Sanders’ may find his supporters fleeing once they discover the alien chip embedded in his brain.
WALTER: Embedded chip?
STU: Right, the one that receives the transmissions from the planet Zygot and compels Sanders to do their bidding.
WALTER: What are you talking about?
STU: The chip! The ones the aliens put in Bernie's brain. They're telling him what to do!
ROSIE: That can't be right--
STU: Jeez, why do you think Sanders decided to run? A senator from Vermont? Nobody heard of him a year ago. He was an independent and suddenly becomes a Democrat? Come on!
ROSIE: I always wondered about that---
DAVID: No, you didn’t. You never wondered about that! What is this? Do we have to listen to this?
STU: What? I listened to your “brokered convention” dribble. Weak.
WALTER: Well, since the whole Ted-Cruz-having- affairs story came out, The National Enquirer does qualify as a political news source now.
STU: You’re welcome, lame-stream media.
DAVID: Really, they’re a political news source?
STU: Hey, we’re not the Washington geniuses sticking Trump in their entertainment pages like HuffPo. Ha!
DAVID: Where were you when we covered Sanders’ sweep of very un-populated states all across this nation? Where were you when we had to sit and read through a billion emails sent out by Hillary Clinton? Where were you when Jeb Bush needed people to clap?
ROSIE: David, it is a big story. You have Ted Cruz, a man who’s attempting to appeal to the religious right, and it’s reported he’s a serial philanderer.
DAVID: Reported?? Stop legitimizing him! It was in the Enquirer!
WALTER; Enquiring minds do want to know.
DAVID; Stop that!
ROSIE: They were right when they reported about John Edwards and his love child.
DAVID: Oh, for Pete’s sake, they showed a picture of Hillary meeting an alien.
STU; Excuse me, excuse me, that was the Weekly World News, not us.
DAVID : This is insane. Maybe we can get someone from Soap Opera Digest up here!
STU: I would note we have run many, many pictures of Donald Trump’s various wives over the years. So there’s that as well.
WALTER: Well, addressing that, the Cruz campaign has accused Trump of planting the story about his alleged affairs. Ted Cruz said in a statement…"Donald Trump may be a rat, but I have no desire to copulate with him."
ROSIE: Huh? What does that even mean?
STU: Yeah, well, we have photos of him and some rats, so he may want to rephrase that.
DAVID: No, no, please stop. This is wrong.
STU: Well, excuse me, Mr. Washington Proper- Pants. We broke the Jesse Jackson's love child story, the Bill Clinton-Monica Lewinsky affair, Rush Limbaugh and his addiction to painkillers. Not you.
DAVID: That’s beside the point---
STU: Says you. Hey, look, we’re winning a Pulitzer Prize this year for sure!
ROSIE: How can you be so sure?
STU: We got pictures of Pulitzer with some hookers!
WALTER: Well, that’s all the time we have. Thank you for joining us, and remember, if it’s Sunday, you have to Face the Press!