The Oscar show is something the group does every year, and it's tough to come up with some new take on it. They leave the parameters pretty open; sketches about the show itself, nominated movies, red carpet, etc. As I was pondering this, there were two hot topics online that week; the announcement that Kevin Hart had dropped out as host and that some podcaster making a speech to an anti-abortion rally that he wouldn't kill baby Hitler if he had the chance.
Now, at first glance, these two things wouldn't seem to come together. At second or third glance, too. But, when you're hard up for a concept, you take what you can get, which is goofy comedy and a hot topic. Pity it wasn't used, but I appreciate the online shout-out about the submission. So, for the curious, here's my sketch,
Baby Hitler Hosts the Oscars
(Stage dark, PRODUCERS 1 & 2 are off to the side, talking.)
PRODUCER 2: Max, I can’t believe you pulled this off!
PRODUCER 1: Frankly, neither can I!
PRODUCER 2: You got a host for the Oscars! Not just any host, but someone who’s been trending Twitter all month!
PRODUCER 1: I had to call in a lot of favors to pull it off, so I hope the Academy appreciates it.
PRODUCER 2: So, he’s all set. Rehearsal went off without a hitch. Granted, most of the stars weren’t here yet, but we have the basics in place.
PRODUCER 1: The music’s up! Here we go!
ANNOUNCER (O.S.): Welcome to the 91st Annual Oscar Awards! Now, please welcome our host, Baby Hitler!
(Producers duck off. Lights up, BABY HITLER, Hitler in a diaper, walks out waving and tossing out casual Nazi salutes.)
BABY HITLER: Hey, seig heil! How you doin’? Seig heil! Can you believe it! It’s actually happening! The 91st Annual Academy Awards for Motion Pictures!
BABY HITLER: Oh, we got some ghosts in the audience tonight! Sorry, the horror films were nominated last year! This is going to be a super show! The best, uber alles! And remember, it may be an honor just to be nominated, but if you don’t win, you’re a loser! Am I right? And the show’s trending on social media already! What’s that? Hashtag Oscars So Nazi?” Huh? Anyway, we have had a lot of terrific films released this year. Did you see “Black Klansman?” Yeah, I walked out on that one once I realized the whites were the bad guys. Oh, and I walked out on “Black Panther,” once I realized the blacks were the good guys. I’m planning to see “The Green Book,” that sounds like a safe color. Now, joining me to present the first award for sound design is Viola Davis!
(VIOLA DAVIS steps out with an envelope, and stops when she sees Baby Hitler.)
DAVIS: Oh, hell no.
BABY HITLER: Okay, so I guess we’ll be presenting that award a little later. Now coming to the podium is out next presenter, Meryl Streep!
(MERYL STREEP enters.)
BABY HITLER: Thanks for coming! It was the right choice!
MERYL: It was a regular Sophie’s choice.
BABY HITLER: I get it! Banter! Ha!
MERYL: So, the Oscar for the best acting civil to an abomination goes to…
Me! For this very moment! Thank you!
BABY HITLER: Wait, you’re not happy to be with me? I thought we had a moment.
BABY HITLER: Moving right along, welcome now the stars of the film “Roma,” Marina de Tavira and Yalitza Aparicio.
(MARINA and YALITZA enter.)
BABY HITLER: What kind of names are those? Why don't you have normal American names like Apple or North or Blanket?
(They continue walking and exit on the opposite side.)
BABY HITLER: Huh. Okay, well now is a very special moment as the Academy is proud to present the Irving G. Thalberg Memorial Award to the producing team of Kathleen Kennedy and Frank Marshall.
KENNEDY & MARSHALL (O.S.): Pass!
BABY HITLER: I’m sensing a pattern here. Ok, next up is the In Memorial reel, as we honor those in the industry---
(His cell phone goes off, he pulls it out of his diaper.)
BABY HITLER: Yes? Really? Even the dead people don’t want to share a stage with me? Harsh.
(Puts phone away.)
BABY HITLER: Okay, our next presenter you know from such movies as “Gone in 60 Seconds” and “Family Man,” please give a big heil for Nicolas Cage!
(NICK CAGE steps out. He suddenly drops the envelope and tackles Baby Hitler. They fight. Baby Hitler gets a good shot in and Cage goes down.)
BABY HITLER: What the hell was that?
NICK: You have to die, man!
BABY HITLER: I don’t know what you guys want from me. I’m only a baby!
NICK: You’re baby Hitler!
BABY HITLER: I don’t know that yet! I’m a baby!
NICK: Doesn’t matter. Everyone wants to kill baby Hitler if they get the chance!
(SANDRA Bullock, comes out with a blindfold on.)
SANDRA: Nick, Nick, don’t do it! You can’t just murder someone! Not with all these witnesses!
BABY HITLER: Like a billion people!
NICK: (to Baby Hitler) That’s just a lot of industry hype. There’s nowhere near a billion people! (to Sandra) Sandra, why can’t I hit him?
SANDRA: It’s the butterfly effect! You don’t know what’ll happen if you change history. It could even be worse! Do you want to risk that?
NICK: But it’s Baby Hitler!
SANDRA: I know, I know, Nick, but he’s just a baby. You can’t go around killing babies. You have to be better than that!
NICK: Can I wound him?
SANDRA: Look, he’s hosting the Oscars. This itself could be enough to change the projection of history!
BABY HITLER: I could go back to painting.
SANDRA: Well, nobody wants that!
BABY HITLER: Ouch.
NICK: No, no, I get it, time is fluid, and can’t be commanded on how to flow. We can try to make changes, but to ourselves and those around us and then just hope for the best.
(Music starts playing.)
NICK: Wait, you’re cutting me off now???
BABY HITLER: Oh-oh, looks like we’re out of time! Well, that’s all from Hollywood! See you next year! Check out my book, Mein Kampf!
NICK: Hey, wait a second…
BABY HITLER: I’m getting an EMMY for this for sure!
SANDRA: Oh my God, it’ll never end!
(Black out on stage. Lights up on Producers to the side.)
PRODUCER 1: Holy Moley! That was a train wreck!
PRODUCER 2: But look at these ratings!
PRODUCER 1: And the show barely ran 10 minutes, so points for us there!
(They high five. A phone rings.)
PRODUCER 1: (on phone) Hello? Really? Let me ask. (to producer 2) It’s Louie CK. He wants to know if he can host next year.
(They high five again.)