Early on when I started posting under the Category "Skit Happens" (aka: From the Slushpile) I was posting stuff that that been submitted somewhere but didn't get chosen. Post-pandemic (if we are, in fact, post-it) I've been writing sketches and have had few, if any, places to submit them to. I don't know why I'm still writing them. It's like the idea pops into my head and I get such a rush from the act of creating, I want to get it down on paper, I need to.
In the mean time, these things are burning holes in my hard drive and I have to put them out there somewhere and I have a blog, so...
In the mean time, these things are burning holes in my hard drive and I have to put them out there somewhere and I have a blog, so...
I'm not saying I was trying to write a sequel to my Homonym game show sketch, but it sure seems that's the way it came out. It's another game show for idiots and it got constructed from the end forward. The idea that all the fairy tales have a character named Jack just kind of hovered around for a long time. Then the phrase (and I believe an early game show) called You don't know Jack" worked it's way in. After that I had to decide what kind of contestants to have and during our COVID downtime, I got to pull the various threads together. And quicker than you can say jack-rabbit, I got...
“Do You Know Jack?”
ANNOUNCER
HOST
BETH
LESTER
GAME SHOW SET
TWO CONTESTANTS at their podiums.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.): And now we get to find out who knows what in…
AUDIENCE (O.S.): “Do You Know Jack?”
ANNOUNCER (O.S.): And here’s your host, Walt Flaccid!
HOST steps out to greet all.
HOST: Hello, America! Welcome once again to “Do You Know Jack?” It’s the game show that finds out what you know! We have a new contestant joining us! Let’s welcome Beth Overton!
BETH: Hi!
HOST: So, Beth, would you like to tell us a bit about yourself?
BETH: No.
HOST: Nothing?
BETH: It’s really none of your business, Walt. I'm here to play, not make friends.
HOST: Okay. And let’s welcome back our returning champ, Lester Albright! Are you ready to play?
LESTER: I’m jacked!
HOST: Good to hear, Lester. Okay, hands on buzzers as we present our first question. For 100 points, this American academy award winning actor didn’t think you could handle the truth--
Beth buzzes in.
BETH: That’s from A Few Good Men, starring Tom Cruise, directed by Rob Reiner--
Wrong answer buzzer.
Lester buzzes in.
LESTER: That’s Jack.
HOST: Jack Nicholson is correct.
BETH: Wait, what?
HOST: You should let me finish the question next time.
BETH: Man.
HOST: Question Two: golfing pro---
Beth buzzes in
BETH: Tiger Woods!
Wrong answer buzzer.
Lester buzzes in.
LESTER: Jack.
HOST: Yes, Jack Nicklaus is the answer we were looking for. Jack Nicklaus, the Golden Bear. Another point to Lester. Now, this creature lives in a cube and-
BETH: General Zod!
HOST: --And wants to serve you burgers.
LESTER: Jack!
HOST: Jack in the Box.
BETH: Cube?
HOST: Cube, box, same thing. Really, pay attention, Beth. This is a game show, we just can’t give you the answers.
BETH: I think I’m starting to get it.
HOST: He was the president of Camelot.
BETH: John!
Wrong buzzer. Then correct buzzer.
HOST: Really? The Judges have accepted this answer since John is a nickname of Jack
BETH: Fine, I’ll take it.
HOST: This tool is seen at construction sites, to break up the grounds.
BETH: Pneumatic drills!
Wrong buzzer
LESTER: Jack!
HOST: Jack hammers, yes.
BETH: Why am I not getting the hang of this?
SFX
HOST: That’s time! And it looks like Lester is headed to the lightening round! Come on over, Lester!
Lester and Host meet center stage. Throughout, Beth looks on amazed at this nonsense.
HOST: Okay, Lester, you’ve been here before, you know how this goes. Sixty seconds on the clock and the category you’ve chosen is “Fairy Tales.” Ready?
LESTER: Oh, yeah!
HOST: Start the clock! He was the giant killer.
LESTER: Jack!
HOST: Grew a beanstalk.
LESTER: Jack.
HOST: Ate no fat.
LESTER: Oh, oh…Jack!
HOST: Went up the hill.
LESTER: Jack!
HOST: Jumped a candlestick.
LESTER: Jack!
HOST: Sat in the corner.
LESTER: Jack!
HOST: Built a house.
LESTER: Jack!
Time up bell!
HOST: Seven correct answers! With your score from the game, you’re total winnings today is one million dollars.
BETH: What?!? Are you kidding me? A million dollars for that? What kind of stupid game show is this?
HOST: Do You Know Jack and apparently you don’t---
BETH: Shut up, you jack-off!
Bells ding. Confetti. Balloons.
BETH: Now what?
HOST: You won the secret Jack word bonus!
Beth just storms off.
end
HOST
BETH
LESTER
GAME SHOW SET
TWO CONTESTANTS at their podiums.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.): And now we get to find out who knows what in…
AUDIENCE (O.S.): “Do You Know Jack?”
ANNOUNCER (O.S.): And here’s your host, Walt Flaccid!
HOST steps out to greet all.
HOST: Hello, America! Welcome once again to “Do You Know Jack?” It’s the game show that finds out what you know! We have a new contestant joining us! Let’s welcome Beth Overton!
BETH: Hi!
HOST: So, Beth, would you like to tell us a bit about yourself?
BETH: No.
HOST: Nothing?
BETH: It’s really none of your business, Walt. I'm here to play, not make friends.
HOST: Okay. And let’s welcome back our returning champ, Lester Albright! Are you ready to play?
LESTER: I’m jacked!
HOST: Good to hear, Lester. Okay, hands on buzzers as we present our first question. For 100 points, this American academy award winning actor didn’t think you could handle the truth--
Beth buzzes in.
BETH: That’s from A Few Good Men, starring Tom Cruise, directed by Rob Reiner--
Wrong answer buzzer.
Lester buzzes in.
LESTER: That’s Jack.
HOST: Jack Nicholson is correct.
BETH: Wait, what?
HOST: You should let me finish the question next time.
BETH: Man.
HOST: Question Two: golfing pro---
Beth buzzes in
BETH: Tiger Woods!
Wrong answer buzzer.
Lester buzzes in.
LESTER: Jack.
HOST: Yes, Jack Nicklaus is the answer we were looking for. Jack Nicklaus, the Golden Bear. Another point to Lester. Now, this creature lives in a cube and-
BETH: General Zod!
HOST: --And wants to serve you burgers.
LESTER: Jack!
HOST: Jack in the Box.
BETH: Cube?
HOST: Cube, box, same thing. Really, pay attention, Beth. This is a game show, we just can’t give you the answers.
BETH: I think I’m starting to get it.
HOST: He was the president of Camelot.
BETH: John!
Wrong buzzer. Then correct buzzer.
HOST: Really? The Judges have accepted this answer since John is a nickname of Jack
BETH: Fine, I’ll take it.
HOST: This tool is seen at construction sites, to break up the grounds.
BETH: Pneumatic drills!
Wrong buzzer
LESTER: Jack!
HOST: Jack hammers, yes.
BETH: Why am I not getting the hang of this?
SFX
HOST: That’s time! And it looks like Lester is headed to the lightening round! Come on over, Lester!
Lester and Host meet center stage. Throughout, Beth looks on amazed at this nonsense.
HOST: Okay, Lester, you’ve been here before, you know how this goes. Sixty seconds on the clock and the category you’ve chosen is “Fairy Tales.” Ready?
LESTER: Oh, yeah!
HOST: Start the clock! He was the giant killer.
LESTER: Jack!
HOST: Grew a beanstalk.
LESTER: Jack.
HOST: Ate no fat.
LESTER: Oh, oh…Jack!
HOST: Went up the hill.
LESTER: Jack!
HOST: Jumped a candlestick.
LESTER: Jack!
HOST: Sat in the corner.
LESTER: Jack!
HOST: Built a house.
LESTER: Jack!
Time up bell!
HOST: Seven correct answers! With your score from the game, you’re total winnings today is one million dollars.
BETH: What?!? Are you kidding me? A million dollars for that? What kind of stupid game show is this?
HOST: Do You Know Jack and apparently you don’t---
BETH: Shut up, you jack-off!
Bells ding. Confetti. Balloons.
BETH: Now what?
HOST: You won the secret Jack word bonus!
Beth just storms off.
end
