I had forgotten about this skit until we watched "A Christmas Carol" recently and it reminded me about one of the aspects of the film. Hey, look, I love "A Christmas Carol" and most of the movie versions of the story. I've see almost all of them, and a lot of them dozens of times. And after awhile, things start to occur to you, as they would of any story you've seen a hundred times. And as a writer, these are going to become skits. It can't be helped, it's how my brain works. Weirdly, I found this draft of the skit in my prose folder. I think I may have planned to rewrite it again. Which seems like a solid idea. Maybe it'll pop up somewhere next year!
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The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
(Scrooge is bowed before the hooded spirit.)
SCROOGE: Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come, I know you are showing me shadows of the things that have not happened, but will happen in the time before us. And I fear you more than any spectre I have seen. But I know your purpose is to do me good, but I have to say, I’m not getting it.
CHRISTMAS FUTURE: Huh?
SCROOGE: Well, like before, when we stopped beside one little knot of business men and they were discussing the death of colleague in rather cold and trivial terms. I know they weren’t talking about Jacob Marley, that’s in the past and your province is the Future. Nor can I think of any one immediately connected with them to whom I could apply. So why do you leave me in the dark about this gentleman?
CHRISTMAS FUTURE: Hmmmm.
(They turn to see OLD JOE, MRS. DIBER and LAUNDRESS at the counter.)
SCROOGE: Wait, where are we now? It’s some sort of pawn shop. Is my future tied into this place? I believe that’s my laundress and Mrs. Dilber, my cleaning lady! What are they saying?
OLD JOE: All this his then?
MRS. DIBER: What odds then? Everyone has a right to take care of themselves. He always did.
LAUNDRESS : If he wanted to keep them after he was dead, a wicked old screw, why wasn’t he natural in his lifetime?
MRS. DIBER : It’s the truest word that ever was spoke. It’s a judgment on him!
SCROOGE: These wrenched people are here to help me learn, are they not? Why, look, I own a pair of cufflinks just like that. And those bed curtains look awfully familiar. So, who exactly are they talking about?
OLD JOE: Alright, people, here’s a fair price for each of you and these items you’ve brought to me.
(The group exit.)
SCROOGE: Spirit, I see, I see. The case of this unhappy man might be my own. My life tends that way, now. Right? That’s what this is about? Right?...
(CHRISTMAS FUTURE moans and crosses. Scrooge follows.)
SCROOGE: Right? Wait, where are you taking me now? A grave yard? Ah! We are at the grave of the wretched man who has been so dis-used by the living. So again, I ask: who is it?
CHRISTMAS FUTURE: Oy!
SCROOGE: You spoke?
CHRISTMAS FUTURE: Seriously, dude, how dense are you?
SCROOGE: Whatever do you mean?
CHRISTMAS FUTURE: We showed you your past. Your past! We showed you your present. Not anyone else’s. Yours! Whose future did you think this was?
SCROOGE: Come again?
CHRISTMAS FUTURE: Are you kidding me? You think I popped up here to give you a view forward of some stranger’s life?
SCROOGE: I’m not following.
CHRISTMAS FUTURE: Aurgh! It’s you, you twit! This is what’s going to happen to you if you don’t get your act together! Bad karma bro, and you’re its main target!
SCROOGE: So---?
CHRISTMAS FUTURE: So??? So, if you don’t quit being a crotchety old miser you’re going to die alone and forgotten. Or worse, mocked!
SCROOGE: Oh. That seems harsh.
CHRISTMAS FUTURE: Harsh??
SCROOGE: You know, it seems to me that if you had just gone over those talking points, we could have cleared up a lot of this confusion.
CHRISTMAS FUTURE: That’s it, I’m out of here. Marley! You bring him back I’m done!
(MARLEY pokes his head out.)
MARLEY: Not I! I’ve already done my part. In life I was his partner. I had to work with the guy for ages!
SCROOGE: Hey, Marley, look! I’m all better now!
(NARRATOR steps out with a book.)
NARRATOR: And Scrooge was true to his word, and was all better now. And he kept Christmas in his heart always. But frankly, he always remained a bit on the slow side but what are you gonna do? The end.
The End
SCROOGE: Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come, I know you are showing me shadows of the things that have not happened, but will happen in the time before us. And I fear you more than any spectre I have seen. But I know your purpose is to do me good, but I have to say, I’m not getting it.
CHRISTMAS FUTURE: Huh?
SCROOGE: Well, like before, when we stopped beside one little knot of business men and they were discussing the death of colleague in rather cold and trivial terms. I know they weren’t talking about Jacob Marley, that’s in the past and your province is the Future. Nor can I think of any one immediately connected with them to whom I could apply. So why do you leave me in the dark about this gentleman?
CHRISTMAS FUTURE: Hmmmm.
(They turn to see OLD JOE, MRS. DIBER and LAUNDRESS at the counter.)
SCROOGE: Wait, where are we now? It’s some sort of pawn shop. Is my future tied into this place? I believe that’s my laundress and Mrs. Dilber, my cleaning lady! What are they saying?
OLD JOE: All this his then?
MRS. DIBER: What odds then? Everyone has a right to take care of themselves. He always did.
LAUNDRESS : If he wanted to keep them after he was dead, a wicked old screw, why wasn’t he natural in his lifetime?
MRS. DIBER : It’s the truest word that ever was spoke. It’s a judgment on him!
SCROOGE: These wrenched people are here to help me learn, are they not? Why, look, I own a pair of cufflinks just like that. And those bed curtains look awfully familiar. So, who exactly are they talking about?
OLD JOE: Alright, people, here’s a fair price for each of you and these items you’ve brought to me.
(The group exit.)
SCROOGE: Spirit, I see, I see. The case of this unhappy man might be my own. My life tends that way, now. Right? That’s what this is about? Right?...
(CHRISTMAS FUTURE moans and crosses. Scrooge follows.)
SCROOGE: Right? Wait, where are you taking me now? A grave yard? Ah! We are at the grave of the wretched man who has been so dis-used by the living. So again, I ask: who is it?
CHRISTMAS FUTURE: Oy!
SCROOGE: You spoke?
CHRISTMAS FUTURE: Seriously, dude, how dense are you?
SCROOGE: Whatever do you mean?
CHRISTMAS FUTURE: We showed you your past. Your past! We showed you your present. Not anyone else’s. Yours! Whose future did you think this was?
SCROOGE: Come again?
CHRISTMAS FUTURE: Are you kidding me? You think I popped up here to give you a view forward of some stranger’s life?
SCROOGE: I’m not following.
CHRISTMAS FUTURE: Aurgh! It’s you, you twit! This is what’s going to happen to you if you don’t get your act together! Bad karma bro, and you’re its main target!
SCROOGE: So---?
CHRISTMAS FUTURE: So??? So, if you don’t quit being a crotchety old miser you’re going to die alone and forgotten. Or worse, mocked!
SCROOGE: Oh. That seems harsh.
CHRISTMAS FUTURE: Harsh??
SCROOGE: You know, it seems to me that if you had just gone over those talking points, we could have cleared up a lot of this confusion.
CHRISTMAS FUTURE: That’s it, I’m out of here. Marley! You bring him back I’m done!
(MARLEY pokes his head out.)
MARLEY: Not I! I’ve already done my part. In life I was his partner. I had to work with the guy for ages!
SCROOGE: Hey, Marley, look! I’m all better now!
(NARRATOR steps out with a book.)
NARRATOR: And Scrooge was true to his word, and was all better now. And he kept Christmas in his heart always. But frankly, he always remained a bit on the slow side but what are you gonna do? The end.
The End
