Here's an old bit, written for radio, then recycled (how apt) for multiple venues afterward. This is kind of a sequel to a much older sketch which I co-wrote with a friend (which I'm looking for). I never sent that one out without his permission, so when he dropped out of sight, I decided to come up with a new bit, solo. Remember when recycling was a thing? Here we try to take it to new extremes, because that's what comedy is about, extremes.
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Hal’s Recycled Christmas Tree Lot
HAL
ANNOUNCER
(“O Tannebaum” under.)
HAL: This is Hal at Hal’s Recycled Christmas Tree Lot and I’m here to save your Christmas from Global Warming! Why kill a new tree for your Christmas celebration when you can buy one of our environmentally-friendly, certified previously-owned Christmas Trees!
That’s right, we’ve brought together some of the best looking trees from Christmases past, restored them and now sell them to you. Each tree undergoes a 27-point check list which includes needle retention, bough beauty, and flammability. Look at this Scotch Pine. We call it a Scotch Pine because we use the Scotch tape to re-attach the needles. Over here is a majestic Himalayan Pine, just waiting for you to slap a tree skirt around it. Oh, wait, it’s a Him-alayan Pine, not a Her-alayan. Well, then you can call it a tree kilt. You want a White Pine? Fine, we don’t judge. We have refurnished Ponderosas, restored Bristlecones and a nice jacked-up Jack Pine. Our trees are used, but you won’t be. We take all major credit cards and a few minor ones as well. So, while others are contributing to the shame of planetary deforestation you can truly be jolly this season with our guaranteed 100% recycled Christmas tree, so come on down!
ANNOUNCER (o.s.): Hal’s Recycled Christmas Tree Lot, in the Kmart Shopping Center on route 58. Look for the big vinyl sign. The first 50 customers get a free holiday wreath, circa. 2007.
HAL: Our trees are green, even though they’re mostly brown. Get yours today!
The end.
ANNOUNCER
(“O Tannebaum” under.)
HAL: This is Hal at Hal’s Recycled Christmas Tree Lot and I’m here to save your Christmas from Global Warming! Why kill a new tree for your Christmas celebration when you can buy one of our environmentally-friendly, certified previously-owned Christmas Trees!
That’s right, we’ve brought together some of the best looking trees from Christmases past, restored them and now sell them to you. Each tree undergoes a 27-point check list which includes needle retention, bough beauty, and flammability. Look at this Scotch Pine. We call it a Scotch Pine because we use the Scotch tape to re-attach the needles. Over here is a majestic Himalayan Pine, just waiting for you to slap a tree skirt around it. Oh, wait, it’s a Him-alayan Pine, not a Her-alayan. Well, then you can call it a tree kilt. You want a White Pine? Fine, we don’t judge. We have refurnished Ponderosas, restored Bristlecones and a nice jacked-up Jack Pine. Our trees are used, but you won’t be. We take all major credit cards and a few minor ones as well. So, while others are contributing to the shame of planetary deforestation you can truly be jolly this season with our guaranteed 100% recycled Christmas tree, so come on down!
ANNOUNCER (o.s.): Hal’s Recycled Christmas Tree Lot, in the Kmart Shopping Center on route 58. Look for the big vinyl sign. The first 50 customers get a free holiday wreath, circa. 2007.
HAL: Our trees are green, even though they’re mostly brown. Get yours today!
The end.
