I forget for what venue I wrote it off originally, but I re-wrote it to submit to a theater group's call for material for their annual Christmas production, A Hard Candy Christmas. While I was initially told it was selected (along with another bit), in the end it wasn't staged. They told be to submit it again in 2015, which I did, and it didn't make the cut at all. Then they stopped doing their annual Christmas production. Typical, right? It's a dark take on the holiday, but pretty funny.
Donner Christmas Party
INT: A LOG CABIN IN THE WILDERNESS.
(Big band music up)
ANNOUNCER (O.S.): Merry Christmas, everyone! Welcome to the Donner Christmas
Party! And here's your host, George Donner!
(GEORGE DONNER enters.)
GEORGE: Hi, everyone, nice to eat ya! I mean, meet ya! Boy, Christmas in the Sierra Nevada is a special one. Look at all that snow! Talk about your white Christmases! But it's no picnic. Well, more like a barbecue. But it is the most wonderful time of year, until the spring thaw, that is.
TAMSEN (O.S.): Oh, George!
GEORGE: Oh, look, it's the little woman, Tamsen.
(TAMSEN DONNER enters. Studio audience applauds.)
GEORGE: Hmmm, something smells good.
TAMSEN: Just getting the holiday dinner cooked.
GEORGE: What's for dinner?
GEORGE: Good old Stu Hanson. Quite a guy. He'll be missed. I'm mighty hungry. When do we eat?
TAMSEN: As soon as the guests arrive.
GEORGE: Is Patrick Dolan coming?
TAMSEN: No, we ate him.
GEORGE: Oh, how about Antonio?
TAMSEN: No, remember that night we felt like Italian?
GEORGE: Right. Good man. Yum, very good.
(Sleigh bells are heard.)
TAMSEN: What's that sound?
GEORGE: It's sleigh bells!
TAMSEN: They've come to rescue us!
GEORGE: No, wait, it's coming from the roof!
TAMSEN: Who would drive a sleigh onto our roof? Except maybe our wagon master. Idiot.
(SANTA CLAUS enters.)
SANTA: Ho, ho, ho!
GEORGE: It's Santa Claus!
TAMSEN: Santa, is that really you, or a hunger-induced hallucination?
SANTA: It's me, in the flesh!
GEORGE: Flesh; yum.
SANTA: I couldn't forget about you on Christmas Day.
TAMSEN: Did you bring us food?
SANTA: No, I brought you a spinning wheel and a new hunting rifle. And a whole sack-full of toys for the children. Huh, where are the children?
GEORGE: Toys? Spinning wheel?
TAMSEN: My, Santa, you sure are a big man.
GEORGE: Yeah. Look at the stomach.
SANTA: Ho, ho! Yes, it shakes when I laugh like a bowl full of jelly!
TAMSEN: Jelly; yum.
GEORGE: So, Santa, how about some jerky?
(George hands Santa some beef jerky.)
SANTA: I usually get cookies.
GEORGE: It's all we have.
SANTA: What is it?
GEORGE: A Slim Jim.
SANTA: Hmmm, tasty. Like venison.
GEORGE: Well, Jim was always jerky to begin with so it just worked out.
TAMSEN: So, Santa, you're like what, 275, 280 pounds?
GEORGE: (to Tamsen) So, what do you think?
TAMSEN: At 20 minutes a pound, you're looking at like 93 hours. Which is, like, what 3 days? That's a lot of basting.
GEORGE: But, man, look at those drumsticks.
SANTA: (checking his watch) You know, I think I should be going. But I did bring you a
TAMSEN: Where? Where?
SANTA: Over there, behind that butter churn---
(George and Tamsen go to the churn and pull out a wrapped present. Santa slips away before they realize. Jingle bells ring and fade.)
TAMSEN: You let him get away!
GEORGE: Sorry, he just flew up the chimney! He moves quick for a fat guy.
TAMSEN: We would have been set until Easter.
GEORGE: Again, sorry. I can't stop drooling.
TAMSEN: So, what special present did he leave us?
(They open the present.)
GEORGE: A snow cone machine.
(Band plays a wah-wah sound.)
GEORGE: Oh, well. So, everyone, that's our Christmas special. Thanks for stopping by.
TAMSEN: Good-night, everybody! Hope to have you for dinner soon!
GEORGE: Hush! Good-night! Come back soon!
TAMSEN: We'll keep the light on for you. The pilot light.
(Music up and under.)
ANNOUNCER (O.S.): Thanks for tuning into "The Donner Christmas Party." Stay tuned for "A Very Dahmer Christmas" on most of these stations.