Here's a charming bit to kick off the holiday season! This is an old bit I wrote up prior to 2014. The title popped into my head, but it sat around there for a while. I didn't know how to break it into an actual skit. Finally the idea of a holiday TV special came up (which doesn't make a lick of sense) and I went with it.
I forget for what venue I wrote it off originally, but I re-wrote it to submit to a theater group's call for material for their annual Christmas production, A Hard Candy Christmas. While I was initially told it was selected (along with another bit), in the end it wasn't staged. They told be to submit it again in 2015, which I did, and it didn't make the cut at all. Then they stopped doing their annual Christmas production. Typical, right? It's a dark take on the holiday, but pretty funny.
I forget for what venue I wrote it off originally, but I re-wrote it to submit to a theater group's call for material for their annual Christmas production, A Hard Candy Christmas. While I was initially told it was selected (along with another bit), in the end it wasn't staged. They told be to submit it again in 2015, which I did, and it didn't make the cut at all. Then they stopped doing their annual Christmas production. Typical, right? It's a dark take on the holiday, but pretty funny.
We present this comedy to remind you that my Christmas Comedy Caper, Lost Claus is available over at Amazon. So buy your copy today and avoid the holiday rush!
Donner Christmas Party
INT: A LOG CABIN IN THE WILDERNESS.
(Big band music up)
ANNOUNCER (O.S.): Merry Christmas, everyone! Welcome to the Donner Christmas
Party! And here's your host, George Donner!
(GEORGE DONNER enters.)
GEORGE: Hi, everyone, nice to eat ya! I mean, meet ya! Boy, Christmas in the Sierra Nevada is a special one. Look at all that snow! Talk about your white Christmases! But it's no picnic. Well, more like a barbecue. But it is the most wonderful time of year, until the spring thaw, that is.
TAMSEN (O.S.): Oh, George!
GEORGE: Oh, look, it's the little woman, Tamsen.
(TAMSEN DONNER enters. Studio audience applauds.)
GEORGE: Hmmm, something smells good.
TAMSEN: Just getting the holiday dinner cooked.
GEORGE: What's for dinner?
TAMSEN: Stu.
GEORGE: Good old Stu Hanson. Quite a guy. He'll be missed. I'm mighty hungry. When do we eat?
TAMSEN: As soon as the guests arrive.
GEORGE: Is Patrick Dolan coming?
TAMSEN: No, we ate him.
GEORGE: Oh, how about Antonio?
TAMSEN: No, remember that night we felt like Italian?
GEORGE: Right. Good man. Yum, very good.
(Sleigh bells are heard.)
TAMSEN: What's that sound?
GEORGE: It's sleigh bells!
TAMSEN: They've come to rescue us!
GEORGE: No, wait, it's coming from the roof!
TAMSEN: Who would drive a sleigh onto our roof? Except maybe our wagon master. Idiot.
(SANTA CLAUS enters.)
SANTA: Ho, ho, ho!
GEORGE: It's Santa Claus!
TAMSEN: Santa, is that really you, or a hunger-induced hallucination?
SANTA: It's me, in the flesh!
GEORGE: Flesh; yum.
SANTA: I couldn't forget about you on Christmas Day.
TAMSEN: Did you bring us food?
SANTA: No, I brought you a spinning wheel and a new hunting rifle. And a whole sack-full of toys for the children. Huh, where are the children?
GEORGE: Toys? Spinning wheel?
TAMSEN: My, Santa, you sure are a big man.
GEORGE: Yeah. Look at the stomach.
SANTA: Ho, ho! Yes, it shakes when I laugh like a bowl full of jelly!
TAMSEN: Jelly; yum.
GEORGE: So, Santa, how about some jerky?
(George hands Santa some beef jerky.)
SANTA: I usually get cookies.
GEORGE: It's all we have.
SANTA: What is it?
GEORGE: A Slim Jim.
SANTA: Hmmm, tasty. Like venison.
GEORGE: Well, Jim was always jerky to begin with so it just worked out.
SANTA: What?
TAMSEN: So, Santa, you're like what, 275, 280 pounds?
SANTA: Yes---
GEORGE: (to Tamsen) So, what do you think?
TAMSEN: At 20 minutes a pound, you're looking at like 93 hours. Which is, like, what 3 days? That's a lot of basting.
GEORGE: But, man, look at those drumsticks.
SANTA: (checking his watch) You know, I think I should be going. But I did bring you a
special present!
TAMSEN: Where? Where?
SANTA: Over there, behind that butter churn---
(George and Tamsen go to the churn and pull out a wrapped present. Santa slips away before they realize. Jingle bells ring and fade.)
TAMSEN: You let him get away!
GEORGE: Sorry, he just flew up the chimney! He moves quick for a fat guy.
TAMSEN: We would have been set until Easter.
GEORGE: Again, sorry. I can't stop drooling.
TAMSEN: So, what special present did he leave us?
(They open the present.)
GEORGE: A snow cone machine.
(Band plays a wah-wah sound.)
GEORGE: Oh, well. So, everyone, that's our Christmas special. Thanks for stopping by.
TAMSEN: Good-night, everybody! Hope to have you for dinner soon!
GEORGE: Hush! Good-night! Come back soon!
TAMSEN: We'll keep the light on for you. The pilot light.
(Music up and under.)
ANNOUNCER (O.S.): Thanks for tuning into "The Donner Christmas Party." Stay tuned for "A Very Dahmer Christmas" on most of these stations.
The end
