This sketch may have been rejected in more formats than any other sketch I've written. It's a massive, epic, pop culture undertaking that probably was never going to get off the ground. Even the title came uneasily. I finally settled on "Christmas Corral" because it sounded like "Christmas Carol" and I thought corral sounded like I had to "round-up" a bunch of characters. It was a stage sketch that no group I knew had the resources to perform. It was a radio skit, where I figured having people voice multiple characters might make it viable; however it was too pop-culture (so forget PHC) and too long (forget ACN). Then I pitched it to both Mad and Cracked, thinking it might work as a comic story. Both passed on it. So, it just sat on my hard drive...until now! Enjoy this wacky, silly sketch!
We present this holiday comedy to remind you that my Christmas Comedy Caper, Lost Claus is available over at Amazon. So buy your copy today and avoid the holiday rush!
A Christmas Corral
SCROOGE, in bed, muttering to himself. Carolers are heard outside his window. He gets up, and pours a pitcher of water on them.
SCROOGE
Take that, you screeching urchins! Begone with you now before I summon a constable!...
He gets back into bed.
SCROOGE(CONT)
Christmas, ba-humbug!
He goes to sleep. Stumbling is heard. CLARENCE, an elderly, confused guardian angel enters, tripping.
CLARENCE
Hello? Oh, oh, there you are. Very good.
Well, I'm here to save you.
SCROOGE
What? What? Who are you? Get out!
CLARENCE
Nope, sorry, can't. I've been sent
to help you. I'm your guardian angel.
The name's Clarence, Clarence Oddbody.
SCROOGE
No, no, it isn't. You are---a bit
of uncooked potato!
THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST enters.
PAST
Sorry I'm late. Okay, Ebeneezer Scrooge,
let's begin---Hello? You are you?
CLARENCE
I'm Clarence. I'm his guardian angel.
PAST
You're not supposed to be here! I'm
working this gig!
SCROOGE
Who the devil are you now?
PAST
Oh, er, I am the ghost of Christmas
Past.
SCROOGE
Long past?
PAST
No, your past.
CLARENCE
Oh, I've already seen all that.
PAST
What?
CLARENCE
I've already seen all that. Joseph
briefed me. The school, the dying
sister, the nephew, Fezziwig.
SCROOGE
Old Fezziwig?
PAST
(to Scrooge)
Will you be quiet!
(to Clarence)
I've got to show him his past so
he'll have a better understanding
of his present. We're trying to
put his life into perspective.
CLARENCE
Really? Interesting. But, you know,
I find that showing them what
the world would be like if he'd never
been born is very effective.
Straightens 'em right out.
PAST
What kind of moronic shock therapy
is that? No, we have a much more
organic realization of the cosmic
whole our way.
CLARENCE
Maybe, but if he see's Dick Wilkens'
is dead, because he wasn't around to
save him---
SCROOGE
Dick is dead?
PAST
No, Dick's fine, not that you care.
I mean really the guy lives down the
road and did you ever visit him once?
SCROOGE
We had a falling out.
CLARENCE
If you were never born, he'd be dead,
you know.
PAST
Will you stuff a stocking in it please!
Some noise is heard outside.
SCROOGE
What's that? What's that?
PAST
Oh, fruitcake! That's probably
Christmas Present. I can't believe this.
(to Clarence)
See, you messed me schedule all up
and now we're running late! How
can we show him his present if I
haven't reviewed his past?
SANTA CLAUS enters.
SANTA
Ho-ho-ho!
CLARENCE
What are you doing here?
SANTA
It's Christmas Eve, what do you think
I'm doing here?
PAST
I thought it was Christmas Present.
SANTA
Sure, I got lots of Christmas presents
in my sack here.
PAST
No, no, the ghost of Christmas Present!
We're here working the Scrooge case.
SANTA
Is this Scrooge's house?
SCROOGE
Yes, yes, Ebeneezer Scrooge. Did you
bring me something?
SANTA
Sorry, it's still up in the sleigh.
I didn't realize this was your house.
It's such a foggy eve and Rudolf's
got a cold---
CLARENCE
You actually brought Scrooge a present?
SANTA
Are you kidding? I brought him coal! Enough
coal to power a locomotive!
PAST
Well, not for nothing, we've got a
chain of agony for him that's got
more links than a sausage factory.
CLARENCE
Well, if he wasn't born, Bob Cratchett
would be a civil servant making a
livable wage. But Tiny Tim would still
be dead.
SCROOGE
What, Tiny Tim dead?
PAST
Nice going, Clarence. Kill our third act
why don't you? Look, Scrooge, Christmas
Yet-to-Come will fill you in on that---
CLARENCE
And your fiancee Belle becomes an old
maid!
CINDY LOU WHO, a cute little creature with tuft hair enters.
WHO
Hello? Hello? Anyone home?
CLARENCE
In here. Who are you?
WHO
I'm little Cindy Lou Who.
From the little town
of Whoville, that's who.
And I'm no more than two.
SANTA
What's she doing here? What are
you doing here?
WHO
Well, I heard about this really mean man
who hates Christmas whenever he can.
SCROOGE
That's me!
WHO
Well, we had this situation with the Grinch,
but we brought him around, like a cinch.
So I thought maybe all the other Whos and me
could do the same for Scrooge, you see.
CLARENCE
The other Whos?
WHO
They're waiting out in the Who car.
SANTA
You people are slowing me down here.
I still have to finish this entire
hemisphere!
PAST
Oh, stick your finger aside you nose
and haul your jolly gut up the
chimney, fatboy.
SANTA
Oh, someone's looking to get on my
naughty list, big time.
PAST
I'm a spirit, you tub! I don't care!
WHO
Looks like you could all use some Christmas
spirit---
(singing)
Wha-who forest, wha-who forest---
ALL
Shut up!
PAST
I have a schedule here, people. Christmas
Present is on his way over. Could you
all clear out? man, I knew I should have
sent Marley first.
CLARENCE
Look, Past, I was here first, so if anyone's
going to clear out---
SANTA
I'm Santa! I'm a saint, dammit! If
anyone here is to make an example of
Scrooge, it's me. I'll have the coal
down in a jiffy.
PAST
I'm telling you, the only way to bring
him around is to review his life---
RALPH EDWARDS (or Pat Sajak) enters with a book.
EDWARDS
That's right, and Ebeneezer Scrooge, this
is your life!
SCROOGE
I can't believe it!
CLARENCE
No, no, we're to review his life as
if it didn't happen, we alter the time
space continuum----
MARTY MCFLY and DOC burst in.
DOC
Jumping Jigawatts!
SCROOGE
Who the dunce are you?
MARTY
I'm Marty McFly. Me and the Doc here
can take you back in our Delorean
time machine, you can talk to yourself
in the past and get him straighten out
and come back to the future and
everything will be fine.
DOC
Piece of cake.
PAST
What the devil do you have to do with
Christmas?
MARTY
Are you kidding? We were the big Christmas
blockbuster in '85!
Scrooge makes a phone call.
CLARENCE
You can't do it like that!
EDWARDS
Remember this voice?
LINUS steps out.
LINUS
In the same country were shepherds keeping
their flocks and lo, the angel of the lord
appeared unto them---
CLARENCE
I knew him, too. What a show-off.
WHO
I'm telling you, one chorus of our
song and his heart'll grow three
sizes before long.
(singing)
Wah-who forest, ---come on, everyone!
"Feed the world, let them know it's
Christmas time---"
Suddenly the GHOSTBUSTERS burst in.
SCROOGE
That was quick! I only just hung up!
GHOSTBUSTER
We were working a job at the Canterville
place next door. These the spooks?
SCROOGE
Yes, yes, rid them from my sight!
GHOSTBUSTER
All right, you supernatural annoyances,
let's haul your ghostly butts out of
here, or I zap you all.
SANTA
But, but---
GHOSTBUSTER
Now, move it!
(to Scrooge)
We'll bill you.
SCROOGE
Fine, fine.
Scrooge watches them all mutter and leave. Scrooge goes
back to bed.
SCROOGE
Now maybe it'll be a merry Christmas.
ROD STERLING steps out.
ROD
Submitted for your approval. A miserly
miser attempting to shut out the yuletide
and the true meaning of Christmas,
something that may prove difficult, for
you see, Mr. Scrooge is about to spent
the holidays in---the Twilight Zone.
Zone theme up, fade to black.
-END-
