A Christmas Corral
SCROOGE, in bed, muttering to himself. Carolers are heard outside his window. He gets up, and pours a pitcher of water on them.
Take that, you screeching urchins! Begone with you now before I summon a constable!...
He gets back into bed.
He goes to sleep. Stumbling is heard. CLARENCE, an elderly, confused guardian angel enters, tripping.
Hello? Oh, oh, there you are. Very good.
Well, I'm here to save you.
What? What? Who are you? Get out!
Nope, sorry, can't. I've been sent
to help you. I'm your guardian angel.
The name's Clarence, Clarence Oddbody.
No, no, it isn't. You are---a bit
of uncooked potato!
THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST enters.
Sorry I'm late. Okay, Ebeneezer Scrooge,
let's begin---Hello? You are you?
I'm Clarence. I'm his guardian angel.
You're not supposed to be here! I'm
working this gig!
Who the devil are you now?
Oh, er, I am the ghost of Christmas
No, your past.
Oh, I've already seen all that.
I've already seen all that. Joseph
briefed me. The school, the dying
sister, the nephew, Fezziwig.
Will you be quiet!
I've got to show him his past so
he'll have a better understanding
of his present. We're trying to
put his life into perspective.
Really? Interesting. But, you know,
I find that showing them what
the world would be like if he'd never
been born is very effective.
Straightens 'em right out.
What kind of moronic shock therapy
is that? No, we have a much more
organic realization of the cosmic
whole our way.
Maybe, but if he see's Dick Wilkens'
is dead, because he wasn't around to
Dick is dead?
No, Dick's fine, not that you care.
I mean really the guy lives down the
road and did you ever visit him once?
We had a falling out.
If you were never born, he'd be dead,
Will you stuff a stocking in it please!
Some noise is heard outside.
What's that? What's that?
Oh, fruitcake! That's probably
Christmas Present. I can't believe this.
See, you messed me schedule all up
and now we're running late! How
can we show him his present if I
haven't reviewed his past?
SANTA CLAUS enters.
What are you doing here?
It's Christmas Eve, what do you think
I'm doing here?
I thought it was Christmas Present.
Sure, I got lots of Christmas presents
in my sack here.
No, no, the ghost of Christmas Present!
We're here working the Scrooge case.
Is this Scrooge's house?
Yes, yes, Ebeneezer Scrooge. Did you
bring me something?
Sorry, it's still up in the sleigh.
I didn't realize this was your house.
It's such a foggy eve and Rudolf's
got a cold---
You actually brought Scrooge a present?
Are you kidding? I brought him coal! Enough
coal to power a locomotive!
Well, not for nothing, we've got a
chain of agony for him that's got
more links than a sausage factory.
Well, if he wasn't born, Bob Cratchett
would be a civil servant making a
livable wage. But Tiny Tim would still
What, Tiny Tim dead?
Nice going, Clarence. Kill our third act
why don't you? Look, Scrooge, Christmas
Yet-to-Come will fill you in on that---
And your fiancee Belle becomes an old
CINDY LOU WHO, a cute little creature with tuft hair enters.
Hello? Hello? Anyone home?
In here. Who are you?
I'm little Cindy Lou Who.
From the little town
of Whoville, that's who.
And I'm no more than two.
What's she doing here? What are
you doing here?
Well, I heard about this really mean man
who hates Christmas whenever he can.
Well, we had this situation with the Grinch,
but we brought him around, like a cinch.
So I thought maybe all the other Whos and me
could do the same for Scrooge, you see.
The other Whos?
They're waiting out in the Who car.
You people are slowing me down here.
I still have to finish this entire
Oh, stick your finger aside you nose
and haul your jolly gut up the
Oh, someone's looking to get on my
naughty list, big time.
I'm a spirit, you tub! I don't care!
Looks like you could all use some Christmas
Wha-who forest, wha-who forest---
I have a schedule here, people. Christmas
Present is on his way over. Could you
all clear out? man, I knew I should have
sent Marley first.
Look, Past, I was here first, so if anyone's
going to clear out---
I'm Santa! I'm a saint, dammit! If
anyone here is to make an example of
Scrooge, it's me. I'll have the coal
down in a jiffy.
I'm telling you, the only way to bring
him around is to review his life---
RALPH EDWARDS (or Pat Sajak) enters with a book.
That's right, and Ebeneezer Scrooge, this
is your life!
I can't believe it!
No, no, we're to review his life as
if it didn't happen, we alter the time
MARTY MCFLY and DOC burst in.
Who the dunce are you?
I'm Marty McFly. Me and the Doc here
can take you back in our Delorean
time machine, you can talk to yourself
in the past and get him straighten out
and come back to the future and
everything will be fine.
Piece of cake.
What the devil do you have to do with
Are you kidding? We were the big Christmas
blockbuster in '85!
Scrooge makes a phone call.
You can't do it like that!
Remember this voice?
LINUS steps out.
In the same country were shepherds keeping
their flocks and lo, the angel of the lord
appeared unto them---
I knew him, too. What a show-off.
I'm telling you, one chorus of our
song and his heart'll grow three
sizes before long.
Wah-who forest, ---come on, everyone!
"Feed the world, let them know it's
Suddenly the GHOSTBUSTERS burst in.
That was quick! I only just hung up!
We were working a job at the Canterville
place next door. These the spooks?
Yes, yes, rid them from my sight!
All right, you supernatural annoyances,
let's haul your ghostly butts out of
here, or I zap you all.
Now, move it!
We'll bill you.
Scrooge watches them all mutter and leave. Scrooge goes
back to bed.
Now maybe it'll be a merry Christmas.
ROD STERLING steps out.
Submitted for your approval. A miserly
miser attempting to shut out the yuletide
and the true meaning of Christmas,
something that may prove difficult, for
you see, Mr. Scrooge is about to spent
the holidays in---the Twilight Zone.
Zone theme up, fade to black.