Eventually, no matter what I write, who I write for, or what the topic is, I wind up doing an Abbott & Costello version skit. Whether it's Abbott & Othello or Who's on Steroids? someone, somewhere is going to be handed an homage to Bud and Lou. This skit was from my PHC era, an obvious attempt to re-capture the magic of their production of "Abbott & Othello." Didn't fly. I've submitted it elsewhere, but I think it might be aging out, since Abbott & Costello seem to be fading a bit (Thankfully "Who's on First" and "Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein" will always keep them from disappearing completely). But I do it and keep doing it and probably will continue to. I love a good patter routine.
And, of course, Skit Happens is brought to you by "Lost Claus," the hilarious tale of abduction, blackmail and elves. What happens when Santa goes missing? Find out in "Lost Claus" available at Amazon!
Abbott & Claustello
ANNOUNCER: Tonight on cable, it’s the new Christmas Classic!
CLAUSTELLO: We need to see what the weather is for Christmas Eve.
ABBOTT: I checked with the weatherman already, Santa.
CLAUSTELLO: Did the meteorologist say it would snow?
ABBOTT: He says snow.
CLAUSTELLO: Oh, drat, I wanted a white Christmas.
ABBOTT: It will be a white Christmas.
CLAUSTELLO: But you just said there wouldn’t be snow.
ABBOTT: No, I said he says snow.
CLAUSTELLO: Well, if he says no, it's no.
ABBOTT: No, it's not no, it's snow.
CLAUSTELLO: That’s what I just said!
ANNOUNCER: It’s “Abbott & Claustello,” tonight on cable.
CLAUSTELLO: Look, I have to know if it’s going to snow or not! We have to know if we need to use the wheelie things on the sleigh. In this kind of weather, it'll be hard to get those flying animals to go...
ABBOTT: Flying animals? Reindeer?
CLAUSTELLO: No, snow, sweetheart.
ANNOUNCER: Will they manage to get Christmas started on time?
ABBOTT: Okay, we got the new reindeer ready. You’ll have to learn their names. They’ve got odd names.
CLAUSTELLO: I know, like Donner or Blitzen.
ABBOTT: Right, so you have Who’s on lead, What’s on your left and I Don’t Know on the right---
CLAUSTELLO: That’s what I want to know. What’s the name of the lead reindeer?
ABBOTT: No, Who’s the name of the lead reindeer.
CLAUSTELLO: How should I know??
ANNOUNCER: “Abbott & Claustello” tonight cable! They put the mess in Christmas!
End
CLAUSTELLO: We need to see what the weather is for Christmas Eve.
ABBOTT: I checked with the weatherman already, Santa.
CLAUSTELLO: Did the meteorologist say it would snow?
ABBOTT: He says snow.
CLAUSTELLO: Oh, drat, I wanted a white Christmas.
ABBOTT: It will be a white Christmas.
CLAUSTELLO: But you just said there wouldn’t be snow.
ABBOTT: No, I said he says snow.
CLAUSTELLO: Well, if he says no, it's no.
ABBOTT: No, it's not no, it's snow.
CLAUSTELLO: That’s what I just said!
ANNOUNCER: It’s “Abbott & Claustello,” tonight on cable.
CLAUSTELLO: Look, I have to know if it’s going to snow or not! We have to know if we need to use the wheelie things on the sleigh. In this kind of weather, it'll be hard to get those flying animals to go...
ABBOTT: Flying animals? Reindeer?
CLAUSTELLO: No, snow, sweetheart.
ANNOUNCER: Will they manage to get Christmas started on time?
ABBOTT: Okay, we got the new reindeer ready. You’ll have to learn their names. They’ve got odd names.
CLAUSTELLO: I know, like Donner or Blitzen.
ABBOTT: Right, so you have Who’s on lead, What’s on your left and I Don’t Know on the right---
CLAUSTELLO: That’s what I want to know. What’s the name of the lead reindeer?
ABBOTT: No, Who’s the name of the lead reindeer.
CLAUSTELLO: How should I know??
ANNOUNCER: “Abbott & Claustello” tonight cable! They put the mess in Christmas!
End
