A Charlie Brown Mid-Life Christmas
(piano; "Christmas Time is here")
LINUS: What's the matter, Charlie Brown? You don't look very merry this Christmas.
CHARLIE BROWN: I don't feel very merry, Linus. I just got laid off at work.
LINUS: That's too bad, Charlie Brown.
CHARLIE BROWN: My boss said they had to shore-up their fourth quarter profits. I was expecting a bonus. Instead they laid me off. Rats.
LINUS: We are in a recession, Charlie Brown.
CHARLIE BROWN: My life is a recession, Linus.
LINUS: Of all the Charlie Browns in the world, you're the most in need of therapy.
CHARLIE BROWN: I'd better get home. I'll see you tomorrow, Linus.
(piano; "Linus and Lucy.")
(foot steps, door opens)
CHARLIE BROWN: Lucy, I'm home!
LUCY: Charlie Brown, you block head! I just heard from Peppermint Patty. You got fired!
CHARLIE BROWN: No I didn't get fired. I was downsized.
LUCY: What did you do wrong?
CHARLIE BROWN: I didn't do anything wrong. The company is in an economic down turn.
LUCY: I'll bet they fired you because you're so wishy-washy.
CHARLIE BROWN: No, they eliminated my entire department.
LUCY: Yeah, the Wishy-washy department.
CHARLIE BROWN: Hey, where's Snoopy?
LUCY: That stupid dog. He was like 100 years old.
CHARLIE BROWN: So?
LUCYY: I had him put down.
CHARLIE BROWN: Oh, good grief. Why did you do that? He was my best friend.
LUCY: Do you know how pathetic you sound saying that? Besides, the dog tried to sue you five times.
CHARLIE BROWN: We settled.
LUCY: I don't know why I married you. I should have married Schroeder. He tours the world as a concert pianist.
CHARLIE BROWN: He tours the world to avoid you.
LUCY: The twins called from college. They won't be home for Christmas. They're going to Mexico with some friends.
CHARLIE BROWN: You said okay to that?
LUCY: Sure, why should they have a miserable time, too? Oh, and some one stole all our Christmas lawn decorations. Not that they were worth the effort. Especially the ratty old tree!
CHARLIE BROWN: I can't stand it! What happened to Christmas? What is going wrong? Where is the magic of Christmas? Where is the meaning? Does anyone know what Christmas is all about?
CHARLIE BROWN: Hello, Linus.
LINUS: I know what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown. Ahem. Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except what they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little.
CHARLIE BROWN: That's the wrong speech, Linus---
LINUS: Oh, right, hm... 'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse; The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there--
CHARLIE BROWN: That's not it.
LINUS: Oh. And the Grinch puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore. "Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"
CHARLIE BROWN: 'Fraid not.
LINUS: Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings.
CHARLIE BROWN: You're losing it, Linus. Seriously. I mean it.
LINUS: Man, this stuff used to be second nature to me. I'm really off my game.
PIG PEN: What's going on here?
LINUS: Who's that?
CHARLIE BROWN: It's Pigpen, my boss. What are you doing here?
PIGPEN: I've come to hire you back, Charlie Brown! My company just got 200 million dollars from the government as part of an economic stimulus package! We can hire everyone back and give the Board of Directors a big bonus! Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown!
(They all sing "Hark the Herald Angels Sing")
GK: A Charlie Brown Mid-Life Christmas, later this evening on most of these Public radio stations.