Early on when I started posting under the Categories of "Skit Happens" or "From the Slushpile," I was posting stuff that that been submitted somewhere but didn't get chosen. Post-pandemic (if we are, in fact, post-it) I've been writing sketches and have had few, if any, places to submit them to. I don't know why I'm still writing them. It's like the idea pops into my head and I get such a rush from the act of creating, I want to get it down on paper, I need to. Anyway, these things are burning holes in my hard drive and I have to put them out there somewhere and I have a blog, so...
I started working on this in 2020, thinking we might be able to do a Christmas show, and that hope just vanished. I wound up setting it aside and then going back to tinker with it from time to time. It kinda came about from "Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer" and the character Hermie. I mean he was a little blunt about people's dental hygiene so I figured what would happen if it was about everything else. It works fine. The elf Tweedle is named for one of the lead character in my novella, "Lost Claus," available over at Amazon. It's kinda evergreen, although I'd have to update the toy that got too popular if it goes foward.
Blurt, the Elf Without a Filter
JINGLE
CRYSTAL
TWEEDLE
BLURT
SANTA
Up at Santa’s workshop
JINGLE: Hey, Crystal.
CRYSTAL: Hi, Jingle.
JINGLE: Looks like production is right on schedule for Christmas.
CRYSTAL: Santa will be so happy.
TWEEDLE enters with a clip board, followed by BLURT.
TWEEDLE: Hey, Jingle! Hey, Crystal!
BLURT: Hey, Jingle. You’re looking pretty shabby today.
JINGLE: What?
CRYSTAL: Why would you say that?
JINGLE: Who is this?
TWEEDLE: Oh, this is Blurt. A new elf. He has no filter.
JINGLE: Why not?
TWEEDLE: He’s from the South Pole. You’ve heard about those guys, right?
CRYSTAL: Oh. Well, we can still welcome you to Santa’s workshop!
BLURT: Thanks, it’s a thrill to be here at this temple of crass consumerism. I’ve heard so much about it!
CRYSTAL: Oh, we’re just going to get along swell here.
BLURT: I hope so! Even though you’ve really let the place go, it’s very exciting to be standing here amongst all this industrial waste.
TWEEDLE: Look, Blurt, we really need you to dial it down here. A little more tact is called for.
BLURT: Oh, sorry, it’s tricky trying to figure out how many truth bombs are acceptable.
CRYSTAL: It’s not a matter of “truth bombs” it’s simply a matter of courtesy.
BLURT: To lie?
JINGLE: Not to lie. We’re elves, we don’t lie. But out goals don’t include making other people feel bad.
BLURT: That’s not my intent at all! But you be you, and don’t let my opinions on your inefficiencies or style of dress affect you at all.
JINGLE: Inefficiencies??
CRYSTAL: What’s wrong with my clothes?
BLURT: I wasn't referring to you. But look at your buddy there, he’s very festive and colorful. Like a table cloth after a big party!
JINGLE: Hey!
TWEEDLE: Look, let’s just focus here. Blurt is here to help oversee our inventory.
BLURT: Yes, I couldn’t help but notice how many digit spinners you still had on hand.
CRYSTAL: They’re still popular!
BLURT: Of course they are, but are felons really our target demographic?
JINGLE: That doesn’t sound right.
BLURT: Yes, they’re making shives out of them.
CRYSTAL: What????
BLURT: And if you guys want to stop building those singing fish plaques, I don’t think anyone is going to step up and fight you on it.
CRYSTAL: Okay, fine, no more fish plaques. But is that what you’re here to do, focus on a couple of missteps? We’re handling the bulk of our job smoothly and efficiently.
BLURT: Absolutely, excluding all those screw-ups.
JINGLE: What screw-ups?
TWEEDLE: Don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it--
BLURT: One word: Hatchimals.
TWEEDLE: He said it.
BLURT: Which is barely a word.
JINGLE: I’m not taking the fall for that one! I wanted to feature them! I was told it was a stupid idea and to just create a couple of prototypes! I didn’t want to go through that Furby disaster again!
SANTA enters.
SANTA: Ho-ho-ho!
JINGLE: Santa!
SANTA: I hope things are going well! We have a lot of kids on the good list this year!
BLURT: Well, sure you would, marrying your low standards with your high gullibility.
SANTA: Oh, it’s you. Didn’t you go off to be a dentist yet?
TWEEDLE: No, no, Santa, this is Blurt.
BLURT: I guess you haven’t read the studies about the effect of cookies on memory yet.
JINGLE: He’s bumming us out, Santa.
CRYSTAL: Man, and I thought that jerky Elf on the Shelf was annoying.
SANTA: I hear you, I hear you. But this is a land of happiness and compassion. It’s up to us to remain kind and decent and not allow his inability to censor himself in public to mar our mission statement.
BLURT: You have a very large heart, Santa. I’m guessing it’s from all the cholesterol.
SANTA: Or, I can get him assigned to handle the North Pole complaint line. That’ll teach ‘em!
TWEEDLE, JINGLE, CRYSTAL: Yay!
BLURT: But Santa!
SANTA: Not another word out of you or I’ll have you shoveling out the stables. You haven’t lived until you’ve tried to clean out floating poop!
Black out.
The end
CRYSTAL
TWEEDLE
BLURT
SANTA
Up at Santa’s workshop
JINGLE: Hey, Crystal.
CRYSTAL: Hi, Jingle.
JINGLE: Looks like production is right on schedule for Christmas.
CRYSTAL: Santa will be so happy.
TWEEDLE enters with a clip board, followed by BLURT.
TWEEDLE: Hey, Jingle! Hey, Crystal!
BLURT: Hey, Jingle. You’re looking pretty shabby today.
JINGLE: What?
CRYSTAL: Why would you say that?
JINGLE: Who is this?
TWEEDLE: Oh, this is Blurt. A new elf. He has no filter.
JINGLE: Why not?
TWEEDLE: He’s from the South Pole. You’ve heard about those guys, right?
CRYSTAL: Oh. Well, we can still welcome you to Santa’s workshop!
BLURT: Thanks, it’s a thrill to be here at this temple of crass consumerism. I’ve heard so much about it!
CRYSTAL: Oh, we’re just going to get along swell here.
BLURT: I hope so! Even though you’ve really let the place go, it’s very exciting to be standing here amongst all this industrial waste.
TWEEDLE: Look, Blurt, we really need you to dial it down here. A little more tact is called for.
BLURT: Oh, sorry, it’s tricky trying to figure out how many truth bombs are acceptable.
CRYSTAL: It’s not a matter of “truth bombs” it’s simply a matter of courtesy.
BLURT: To lie?
JINGLE: Not to lie. We’re elves, we don’t lie. But out goals don’t include making other people feel bad.
BLURT: That’s not my intent at all! But you be you, and don’t let my opinions on your inefficiencies or style of dress affect you at all.
JINGLE: Inefficiencies??
CRYSTAL: What’s wrong with my clothes?
BLURT: I wasn't referring to you. But look at your buddy there, he’s very festive and colorful. Like a table cloth after a big party!
JINGLE: Hey!
TWEEDLE: Look, let’s just focus here. Blurt is here to help oversee our inventory.
BLURT: Yes, I couldn’t help but notice how many digit spinners you still had on hand.
CRYSTAL: They’re still popular!
BLURT: Of course they are, but are felons really our target demographic?
JINGLE: That doesn’t sound right.
BLURT: Yes, they’re making shives out of them.
CRYSTAL: What????
BLURT: And if you guys want to stop building those singing fish plaques, I don’t think anyone is going to step up and fight you on it.
CRYSTAL: Okay, fine, no more fish plaques. But is that what you’re here to do, focus on a couple of missteps? We’re handling the bulk of our job smoothly and efficiently.
BLURT: Absolutely, excluding all those screw-ups.
JINGLE: What screw-ups?
TWEEDLE: Don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it--
BLURT: One word: Hatchimals.
TWEEDLE: He said it.
BLURT: Which is barely a word.
JINGLE: I’m not taking the fall for that one! I wanted to feature them! I was told it was a stupid idea and to just create a couple of prototypes! I didn’t want to go through that Furby disaster again!
SANTA enters.
SANTA: Ho-ho-ho!
JINGLE: Santa!
SANTA: I hope things are going well! We have a lot of kids on the good list this year!
BLURT: Well, sure you would, marrying your low standards with your high gullibility.
SANTA: Oh, it’s you. Didn’t you go off to be a dentist yet?
TWEEDLE: No, no, Santa, this is Blurt.
BLURT: I guess you haven’t read the studies about the effect of cookies on memory yet.
JINGLE: He’s bumming us out, Santa.
CRYSTAL: Man, and I thought that jerky Elf on the Shelf was annoying.
SANTA: I hear you, I hear you. But this is a land of happiness and compassion. It’s up to us to remain kind and decent and not allow his inability to censor himself in public to mar our mission statement.
BLURT: You have a very large heart, Santa. I’m guessing it’s from all the cholesterol.
SANTA: Or, I can get him assigned to handle the North Pole complaint line. That’ll teach ‘em!
TWEEDLE, JINGLE, CRYSTAL: Yay!
BLURT: But Santa!
SANTA: Not another word out of you or I’ll have you shoveling out the stables. You haven’t lived until you’ve tried to clean out floating poop!
Black out.
The end
