Blurt, the Elf Without a Filter
Up at Santa’s workshop
JINGLE: Hey, Crystal.
CRYSTAL: Hi, Jingle.
JINGLE: Looks like production is right on schedule for Christmas.
CRYSTAL: Santa will be so happy.
TWEEDLE enters with a clip board, followed by BLURT.
TWEEDLE: Hey, Jingle! Hey, Crystal!
BLURT: Hey, Jingle. You’re looking pretty shabby today.
CRYSTAL: Why would you say that?
JINGLE: Who is this?
TWEEDLE: Oh, this is Blurt. A new elf. He has no filter.
JINGLE: Why not?
TWEEDLE: He’s from the South Pole. You’ve heard about those guys, right?
CRYSTAL: Oh. Well, we can still welcome you to Santa’s workshop!
BLURT: Thanks, it’s a thrill to be here at this temple of crass consumerism. I’ve heard so much about it!
CRYSTAL: Oh, we’re just going to get along swell here.
BLURT: I hope so! Even though you’ve really let the place go, it’s very exciting to be standing here amongst all this industrial waste.
TWEEDLE: Look, Blurt, we really need you to dial it down here. A little more tact is called for.
BLURT: Oh, sorry, it’s tricky trying to figure out how many truth bombs are acceptable.
CRYSTAL: It’s not a matter of “truth bombs” it’s simply a matter of courtesy.
BLURT: To lie?
JINGLE: Not to lie. We’re elves, we don’t lie. But out goals don’t include making other people feel bad.
BLURT: That’s not my intent at all! But you be you, and don’t let my opinions on your inefficiencies or style of dress affect you at all.
CRYSTAL: What’s wrong with my clothes?
BLURT: I wasn't referring to you. But look at your buddy there, he’s very festive and colorful. Like a table cloth after a big party!
TWEEDLE: Look, let’s just focus here. Blurt is here to help oversee our inventory.
BLURT: Yes, I couldn’t help but notice how many digit spinners you still had on hand.
CRYSTAL: They’re still popular!
BLURT: Of course they are, but are felons really our target demographic?
JINGLE: That doesn’t sound right.
BLURT: Yes, they’re making shives out of them.
BLURT: And if you guys want to stop building those singing fish plaques, I don’t think anyone is going to step up and fight you on it.
CRYSTAL: Okay, fine, no more fish plaques. But is that what you’re here to do, focus on a couple of missteps? We’re handling the bulk of our job smoothly and efficiently.
BLURT: Absolutely, excluding all those screw-ups.
JINGLE: What screw-ups?
TWEEDLE: Don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it--
BLURT: One word: Hatchimals.
TWEEDLE: He said it.
BLURT: Which is barely a word.
JINGLE: I’m not taking the fall for that one! I wanted to feature them! I was told it was a stupid idea and to just create a couple of prototypes! I didn’t want to go through that Furby disaster again!
SANTA: I hope things are going well! We have a lot of kids on the good list this year!
BLURT: Well, sure you would, marrying your low standards with your high gullibility.
SANTA: Oh, it’s you. Didn’t you go off to be a dentist yet?
TWEEDLE: No, no, Santa, this is Blurt.
BLURT: I guess you haven’t read the studies about the effect of cookies on memory yet.
JINGLE: He’s bumming us out, Santa.
CRYSTAL: Man, and I thought that jerky Elf on the Shelf was annoying.
SANTA: I hear you, I hear you. But this is a land of happiness and compassion. It’s up to us to remain kind and decent and not allow his inability to censor himself in public to mar our mission statement.
BLURT: You have a very large heart, Santa. I’m guessing it’s from all the cholesterol.
SANTA: Or, I can get him assigned to handle the North Pole complaint line. That’ll teach ‘em!
TWEEDLE, JINGLE, CRYSTAL: Yay!
BLURT: But Santa!
SANTA: Not another word out of you or I’ll have you shoveling out the stables. You haven’t lived until you’ve tried to clean out floating poop!