Early on when I started posting under the Category "Skit Happens" (aka "From the Slushpile") I was posting stuff that that been submitted somewhere but didn't get chosen. Post-pandemic (if we are, in fact, post-it) I've been writing sketches and have had few, if any, places to submit them. I don't know why I'm still writing them. It's like the idea pops into my head and I get such a rush from the act of creating, I want to get it down on paper, I need to. In the mean time, these things are burning holes in my harddrive and I have to put them out there somewhere and I have a blog. So...
This sketch came to me in bits and pieces over time. I remember getting the idea for a "bad stuntman" using a noose. I emailed myself a note saying just that. And it sat there. Slowly, things came up to fill it out during the pandemic. Just turned into a series of bad ideas, topped off with the original noose gag. There was no rush to complete it for anyone, so I would pull it up, turn the names into a running gag and just make it goofy. Weirdly, SNL did a COVID episode with a pair of bad stuntwomen showing off their meager skills and what they were doing to stay sharp during the lockdown. The two don't really have much in common, but it was just weird seeing a stuntman sketch as I was wrapping mine up. Oh, well. At least they had somewhere to send it...
Bad Stuntman
JACK RODGERS, reporter
DIP WILSON, stuntman.
JACK: Thank you, Katie. This is Jack Rodgers of Entertainment Update on the set of “Fast Cars 4 Ever,” the sequel to “Fast Cars 3 Ever” and I’m talking with the stunt coordinator, Dip Wilson. Thanks for taking time out from your hectic schedule to share some of your movie magic with us today.
DIP: My pleasure, Jerk.
JACK: That’s Jack. So we see a lot of action in the Fast Car franchise. How are those car stunts done?
Dip pulls a Hot Wheel car out of his pocket.
DIP: Oh, with these, Jerry.
JACK: Jack. You use Hot Wheels cars?
DIP: Oh, you bet. They are great. They go fast, the stay on the track and they can do loop-de-loops.
JACK: Hot Wheels?
DIP: Sometimes we use Matchbox cars too. Mostly for foreign markets.
JACK: I have to say, that’s surprising. Okay, how about those action scenes. Shoot outs.
DIP: Oh, yeah, that’s our bread and butter. When someone on the set gets “shot” and you see blood splatter everywhere, that’s this…(holds up paint can) Some good old-fashion red lead paint.
JACK: Paint…wait, lead paint?
DIP: Oh, yeah. We can get this stuff so cheap. It’s great for vampire movies, too!
JACK: And you’ve vetted all this?
DIP: Personally. It’s yummy, Jake.
JACK: Oh, wow. And again, it’s Jack. Moving on, fight scenes, those realistic looking fight scenes, how do those come about?
DIP: Oh, lots of planning are involved in those. We work on those for weeks or even months before shooting begins, Jerome. We have to assemble a special team and work out the moves…Gladys, come here.
GLADYS, an old woman, comes on.
DIP: We hire all a lot of old people. They’re really easy to beat up and throw around.
He punches Gladys a couple of times. She goes down.
DIP: And they’re so light, Jermaine. You can toss these people for hours on end!
JACK: That’s so very wrong! Is she okay????
DIP: That’s the beauty, Jar-Jar, it doesn’t matter. Keeping the star protected, that’s our goal. You don’t want your stars getting hurt, that could shut down production. But injuring one of these geezers doesn’t effect a thing.
JACK: I can’t believe any of this is acceptable.
DIP: The movie industry has changed a lot---
JACK: I guess so…
DIP: But we still use the same methods that have been in use since the silent days, Jinx.
JACK: Wait, wait…first, it’s Jack. Second, this has been going on since silent movies?
DIP: Oh, yes.
JACK: How have I never heard about it?
DIP: They were silent movies. Nobody could hear anything back in those days.
JACK: I cannot believe what I’m hearing.
DIP: Movie magic! Oh, I want to show you how we do those flying effects, using simple rope.
Dip pulls out a noose and puts it on.
JACK: Back to you, Katie! Back to you!!!
DIP: Up, up and away!
end
DIP WILSON, stuntman.
JACK: Thank you, Katie. This is Jack Rodgers of Entertainment Update on the set of “Fast Cars 4 Ever,” the sequel to “Fast Cars 3 Ever” and I’m talking with the stunt coordinator, Dip Wilson. Thanks for taking time out from your hectic schedule to share some of your movie magic with us today.
DIP: My pleasure, Jerk.
JACK: That’s Jack. So we see a lot of action in the Fast Car franchise. How are those car stunts done?
Dip pulls a Hot Wheel car out of his pocket.
DIP: Oh, with these, Jerry.
JACK: Jack. You use Hot Wheels cars?
DIP: Oh, you bet. They are great. They go fast, the stay on the track and they can do loop-de-loops.
JACK: Hot Wheels?
DIP: Sometimes we use Matchbox cars too. Mostly for foreign markets.
JACK: I have to say, that’s surprising. Okay, how about those action scenes. Shoot outs.
DIP: Oh, yeah, that’s our bread and butter. When someone on the set gets “shot” and you see blood splatter everywhere, that’s this…(holds up paint can) Some good old-fashion red lead paint.
JACK: Paint…wait, lead paint?
DIP: Oh, yeah. We can get this stuff so cheap. It’s great for vampire movies, too!
JACK: And you’ve vetted all this?
DIP: Personally. It’s yummy, Jake.
JACK: Oh, wow. And again, it’s Jack. Moving on, fight scenes, those realistic looking fight scenes, how do those come about?
DIP: Oh, lots of planning are involved in those. We work on those for weeks or even months before shooting begins, Jerome. We have to assemble a special team and work out the moves…Gladys, come here.
GLADYS, an old woman, comes on.
DIP: We hire all a lot of old people. They’re really easy to beat up and throw around.
He punches Gladys a couple of times. She goes down.
DIP: And they’re so light, Jermaine. You can toss these people for hours on end!
JACK: That’s so very wrong! Is she okay????
DIP: That’s the beauty, Jar-Jar, it doesn’t matter. Keeping the star protected, that’s our goal. You don’t want your stars getting hurt, that could shut down production. But injuring one of these geezers doesn’t effect a thing.
JACK: I can’t believe any of this is acceptable.
DIP: The movie industry has changed a lot---
JACK: I guess so…
DIP: But we still use the same methods that have been in use since the silent days, Jinx.
JACK: Wait, wait…first, it’s Jack. Second, this has been going on since silent movies?
DIP: Oh, yes.
JACK: How have I never heard about it?
DIP: They were silent movies. Nobody could hear anything back in those days.
JACK: I cannot believe what I’m hearing.
DIP: Movie magic! Oh, I want to show you how we do those flying effects, using simple rope.
Dip pulls out a noose and puts it on.
JACK: Back to you, Katie! Back to you!!!
DIP: Up, up and away!
end
