(Lights up. Two Men, SCOTT A and SCOTT B, and a woman, SCOTTIE enter wearing kilts. They speak in heavy brogues.)
SCOTT A: Aye, Scott, how be ye?
SCOTT B: Grand, simply grand. And yourself, Scott?
SCOTT A: Just so, Scott. And how are you, Scottie?
SCOTTIE: A wee bit tuckered out from last night's tribal dance, Scott.
SCOTT B: Aye, that was some clan-bake. But don't you think they're getting a wee bit dull?
SCOTT A: Aye.
SCOTT A: I was thinking of writing a song to liven up the caley a wee bit, but it just doesn't work with the blasted beating of the drums or the blowing of the ram horns.
SCOTTIE: I know what you're saying. We're in a terrible rut. Perhaps a new musical device is called for, Scott.
SCOTT B: Hoots-man, Scottie, I think you struck the niblick on the head. What we'll be needing is a brand new musical instrument.
SCOTTIE: Aye, Scott.
SCOTT: Aye, Scott.
SCOTT B: Scott, what if I go over to that sheep yonder and rip its bladder out and blow into it?
SCOTT A: Aye, that's a manly sounding thing to do, Scott.
SCOTTIE: Manly, yes, but I like it too.
SCOTT A: Go on, Scott, do it.
(Scott B exits.)
SCOTT B (O.S.): Laddie, hand me your sheep there.
(Screaming is heard in the distance. Then the whiney drone of bagpipes.)
SCOTT A: Whiny sounding bladder, isn't it?
SCOTT B (O.S.): The sheep's not quite dead yet.
SCOTTIE: Try squeezing the bladder on the bottom.
SCOTT A: That's it, Scott!
SCOTTIE: Try playing the clan's song.
(Drone is heard.)
SCOTT A: Perhaps if you rip the liver and spleen off it'll sound a wee bit better.
SCOTTIE: It's all out of tune.
SCOTT A: Try again.
(Identical drone is heard.)
SCOTT A: That's it, perfect! Now bring it up an octave.
SCOTT B (O.S.): l can't get it up, Scottie!
(Song continues under.)
SCOTTIE: Can you see it now? Great strapping lads marching through the heather and pass the moors, blowing and squeezing their bladders wearing their dresses.
SCOTT A: Kilts. I'll be telling you for the last time, woman, they're called kilts.
SCOTTIE: That's what bonnie Scotland is all about.
SCOTT A: Aye.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.): The history of music, part two. The xylophone.
SCOTT: Scott, rip the ribs out of the beast and try banging on them with your golf club.
(Bagpipe drone. Lights down.)
ANNOUNCER (O.S.): The history of music, part three. The Moog Synthesizer.
(Lights up. A11 three Scotts on stage, huddled over a machine.)
SCOTT A: Hand me those diodes and wires, Scottie, I'm going to try and loop this magnetic tape.
(Bagpipe drone is heard.)
SCOTT A: Aye, success!
SCOTT B: Aye.