Is there anything that has a shorter shelf life than a topical sketch that isn't selected? Besides that Brooklyn Nine Nine spec...wait, it's uncanceled? I can submit it again?? But I digress...It's rough. But sometimes it's not topical at all. Sometimes it just doesn't seem to strike anyone except you as funny. You submit it. You include it in your packets. It's made the rounds of a dozen different comedy troupes that are looking for sketches from strangers. Then it just sits festering on your hard drive until you decide to blog about it because you never know (actually you do, but you do it anyway). This was a silly little sketch, not anchored to any current events or reality, inspired by both Monty Python and the Three Stooges. I got it up once with a theater group once years ago, but it hasn't been on its feet since then. Sure, I've reformatted it for stage, video and radio, but the nibbles don't come. So it becomes a featured bit here...
BAGPIPES
ANNOUNCER (O.S.): The history of music, part one. The Bagpipes.
(Lights up. Two Men, SCOTT A and SCOTT B, and a woman, SCOTTIE enter wearing kilts. They speak in heavy brogues.)
SCOTT A: Aye, Scott, how be ye?
SCOTT B: Grand, simply grand. And yourself, Scott?
SCOTT A: Just so, Scott. And how are you, Scottie?
SCOTTIE: A wee bit tuckered out from last night's tribal dance, Scott.
SCOTT B: Aye, that was some clan-bake. But don't you think they're getting a wee bit dull?
SCOTT A: Aye.
SCOTTIE: Aye.
SCOTT A: I was thinking of writing a song to liven up the caley a wee bit, but it just doesn't work with the blasted beating of the drums or the blowing of the ram horns.
SCOTTIE: I know what you're saying. We're in a terrible rut. Perhaps a new musical device is called for, Scott.
SCOTT B: Hoots-man, Scottie, I think you struck the niblick on the head. What we'll be needing is a brand new musical instrument.
SCOTTIE: Aye, Scott.
SCOTT: Aye, Scott.
SCOTT B: Scott, what if I go over to that sheep yonder and rip its bladder out and blow into it?
SCOTT A: Aye, that's a manly sounding thing to do, Scott.
SCOTTIE: Manly, yes, but I like it too.
SCOTT A: Go on, Scott, do it.
(Scott B exits.)
SCOTT B (O.S.): Laddie, hand me your sheep there.
(Screaming is heard in the distance. Then the whiney drone of bagpipes.)
SCOTT A: Whiny sounding bladder, isn't it?
SCOTT B (O.S.): The sheep's not quite dead yet.
SCOTTIE: Try squeezing the bladder on the bottom.
(Bagpipes drone)
SCOTT A: That's it, Scott!
SCOTTIE: Try playing the clan's song.
(Drone is heard.)
SCOTT A: Perhaps if you rip the liver and spleen off it'll sound a wee bit better.
SCOTTIE: It's all out of tune.
SCOTT A: Try again.
(Identical drone is heard.)
SCOTT A: That's it, perfect! Now bring it up an octave.
SCOTT B (O.S.): l can't get it up, Scottie!
(Song continues under.)
SCOTTIE: Can you see it now? Great strapping lads marching through the heather and pass the moors, blowing and squeezing their bladders wearing their dresses.
SCOTT A: Kilts. I'll be telling you for the last time, woman, they're called kilts.
SCOTTIE: That's what bonnie Scotland is all about.
SCOTT A: Aye.
SCOTTIE: Aye.
(Lights down.)
ANNOUNCER (O.S.): The history of music, part two. The xylophone.
(Lights up.)
SCOTT: Scott, rip the ribs out of the beast and try banging on them with your golf club.
(Bagpipe drone. Lights down.)
ANNOUNCER (O.S.): The history of music, part three. The Moog Synthesizer.
(Lights up. A11 three Scotts on stage, huddled over a machine.)
SCOTT A: Hand me those diodes and wires, Scottie, I'm going to try and loop this magnetic tape.
(Bagpipe drone is heard.)
SCOTT A: Aye, success!
SCOTTIE: Aye.
SCOTT B: Aye.
(Black out.)
(Lights up. Two Men, SCOTT A and SCOTT B, and a woman, SCOTTIE enter wearing kilts. They speak in heavy brogues.)
SCOTT A: Aye, Scott, how be ye?
SCOTT B: Grand, simply grand. And yourself, Scott?
SCOTT A: Just so, Scott. And how are you, Scottie?
SCOTTIE: A wee bit tuckered out from last night's tribal dance, Scott.
SCOTT B: Aye, that was some clan-bake. But don't you think they're getting a wee bit dull?
SCOTT A: Aye.
SCOTTIE: Aye.
SCOTT A: I was thinking of writing a song to liven up the caley a wee bit, but it just doesn't work with the blasted beating of the drums or the blowing of the ram horns.
SCOTTIE: I know what you're saying. We're in a terrible rut. Perhaps a new musical device is called for, Scott.
SCOTT B: Hoots-man, Scottie, I think you struck the niblick on the head. What we'll be needing is a brand new musical instrument.
SCOTTIE: Aye, Scott.
SCOTT: Aye, Scott.
SCOTT B: Scott, what if I go over to that sheep yonder and rip its bladder out and blow into it?
SCOTT A: Aye, that's a manly sounding thing to do, Scott.
SCOTTIE: Manly, yes, but I like it too.
SCOTT A: Go on, Scott, do it.
(Scott B exits.)
SCOTT B (O.S.): Laddie, hand me your sheep there.
(Screaming is heard in the distance. Then the whiney drone of bagpipes.)
SCOTT A: Whiny sounding bladder, isn't it?
SCOTT B (O.S.): The sheep's not quite dead yet.
SCOTTIE: Try squeezing the bladder on the bottom.
(Bagpipes drone)
SCOTT A: That's it, Scott!
SCOTTIE: Try playing the clan's song.
(Drone is heard.)
SCOTT A: Perhaps if you rip the liver and spleen off it'll sound a wee bit better.
SCOTTIE: It's all out of tune.
SCOTT A: Try again.
(Identical drone is heard.)
SCOTT A: That's it, perfect! Now bring it up an octave.
SCOTT B (O.S.): l can't get it up, Scottie!
(Song continues under.)
SCOTTIE: Can you see it now? Great strapping lads marching through the heather and pass the moors, blowing and squeezing their bladders wearing their dresses.
SCOTT A: Kilts. I'll be telling you for the last time, woman, they're called kilts.
SCOTTIE: That's what bonnie Scotland is all about.
SCOTT A: Aye.
SCOTTIE: Aye.
(Lights down.)
ANNOUNCER (O.S.): The history of music, part two. The xylophone.
(Lights up.)
SCOTT: Scott, rip the ribs out of the beast and try banging on them with your golf club.
(Bagpipe drone. Lights down.)
ANNOUNCER (O.S.): The history of music, part three. The Moog Synthesizer.
(Lights up. A11 three Scotts on stage, huddled over a machine.)
SCOTT A: Hand me those diodes and wires, Scottie, I'm going to try and loop this magnetic tape.
(Bagpipe drone is heard.)
SCOTT A: Aye, success!
SCOTTIE: Aye.
SCOTT B: Aye.
(Black out.)
