Is there anything that has a shorter shelf life than a topical sketch that isn't selected? Other than that Easter Egg you just found behind the couch? It's rough. You pull together a decent take on today's headlines only to learn they didn't pick your sketch to be in this week's show. Then what? Submit it around to the hundreds of comedy troupes that are looking for sketches from strangers? Or make copies and go door-to-door? Or, do you just start posting on your own blog because you never know (actually you do, but you do it anyway)? Sometimes you can stretch the definition of "topical" by mixing politics and pop culture. At least that's what I tried to do last November...
Talking Trump
(CHRIS stands to the audience. YVETTE sits (with a notebook) with CAITLYN and AL FRANKEN.)
CHRIS: Well, that was some episode! We saw an attack on the ladies, another twitter meltdown and some awkward foreign moments that aren’t that foreign anymore. And the mindless zombie hordes keep coming! We’ll discuss this all tonight. We’ve got super fan Yvette Nicole Brown, former Olympian and dude, Caitlyn Jenner and our surprise guest, I can say at last, is Al Franken! I’m Chris Hardwick and welcome to Talking Trump!
(Theme sting.)
CHRIS: Wow, so that was some episode.
AL: Episode?
YVETTE: Oh, Chris, it was crazy. When he started calling that senator Pocahontas, in front of a bunch of Native American war veterans, I thought for sure the show was getting cancelled.
CHRIS: It sure looked like he was jumping the shark there.
CAITLYN: I have to admit, I was a big fan of this show going in, but I’m becoming less enamored of it.
AL: Show?
CAITLYN: It started out speaking to me, now it’s just pushing all the wrong buttons.
CHRIS: Right! Any other show like this would burn out after a few episodes. You would think you can’t maintain this level of insanity for an entire season!
YVETTE: Oh, yes, honey, this show started at 11 and just stays there.
CHRIS: Sometimes it even manages to reach 12 or 13!
CAITLYN: Right. I admit I got all caught up in it. It was non-stop action!
AL: I’m missing something here, aren’t I?
YVETTE: You totally can miss something! That’s why I keep a notebook about it. Like I bet a lot of people forgot about the 3 basketballers who got released from China. China! For shoplifting!
CAITYLYN: I saw that. Then he demanded credit for it and that the ballers thank him.
AL: Well, there was some behind the scenes diplomacy--
YVETTE: And then tweets about how he should have left them in jail because they didn’t praise him enough! What a twist! I did not see that coming! And yet I’m not surprised by it.
CAITLYN: At all!
CHRIS: And they are lucky. China could have sentenced them to 10 years hard labor at one of Ivanka’s clothing factories!
YVETTE: Oh, you bad!
CHRIS: But what about that China visit itself? The president goes there and they roll out the red carpet, have parades, take him to the Forbidden City to eat…
YVETTE: Visit a couple of Ivanka’s clothing factories.
CHRIS: Yes. And Trump is all bragging how they were doing it for him! Because they respect him so much! But when the President of China came to American earlier this year, Trump took him to, to what, his golf course and got him some “beautiful” chocolate cake. That was supposed to impress the President of China?
Al: Luckily he didn’t bring him to Panda Express.
CHRIS: Al Franken for the zinger!
CAITLYN: The Chinese president was showing Trump up! That’s how you welcome a foreign dignitary, not with some over-cooked steak and ketchup. And the clueless guy didn’t see it.
AL: Actually, that’s a pretty good point…
CHRIS: And people are making the online comments. HARRYmetSally552 says, “Trump! MAGA!” and SnotBooger tweeted “USA, USA!” while TrumpSux2020 wrote “Trump Sucks.” But you notice the Russia b-story lurking in the background, right? It’s never completely out of sight.
YVETTE: It just keeps rolling along. Everyone keeps carrying on about Trump’s distractions and tweets and misdirection. Fine, let’s be distracted and mock him for tweeting about the wrong massacre or insulting Congress. That Mueller, he’s not distracted. He keeps rolling along.
CAITYLYN: Smoke and mirrors.
AL: Also, a valid point. We may forget Mueller is on the job, but Mueller doesn’t.
CHRIS: Time for our live on-line poll! Who made a better TV president, President Jed Bartlet, President Thomas Kirkman, or President Donald Trump? Go online to vote now people. What do you say, Yvette?
YVETTE: President Bartlet gets my blood racing.
CAITLYN: I’m liking the second season of “Designated Survivor,” so I’m leaning toward Kirkman. Maybe that’ll change in Trump’s second season.
YVETTE: Although I did enjoy Trump’s prequel show, “The Appreciate.”
AL: I don’t understand the question.
CHRIS: It’s 7% Kirkman, 60 % Bartlet and Trump holding steady at 33%.
Al: I don’t see how this is working--
CHRIS: And all the leaks! Nothing but spoiler alerts with this show! But too many spoilers, too many people trying to get ahead of the story.
CAITLYN: Yes. Jared’s not going down, people. Not for a while. People are complaining we’re spending too much time on his backstory, but I think it’s going to pay off big in season two.
YVETTE: There’s going to be more flipping than at a gymnast convention.
CHRIS: Now we’re looking at the winter finale and this cliffhanger, tax reform.
YVETTE: More like tax Deform; am I right?
CHRIS: Right, so let me get this straight; if I win a college scholarship, it’ll get taxed, but if I inherit a billion dollars, I pay nothing? Ok, now we’ll bring up an audience member with a question.
(LINDA steps up.)
LINDA: Hey!
CHRIS: Introduce yourself and ask your question.
LINDA: I’m Linda.
EVERYONE (Except AL): Hi, Linda!
LINDA: My question is for everyone. So, I read that there will be tax breaks for people who have private jets, but not walk-in tubs?
Al: I’m unaware of any walk-in tub tax.
YVETTE: I know what spam email I’m responding to now!
CHRIS: Great question. And we have a little souvenir for you. It’s a taco bowl!
LINDA: Gracis!
CHRIS: OK, if you’re just tuning in, this is Talking Trump. With us are Yvette Nicole Brown, now appearing in “The Mayor” on ABC, along with E! Channel personality Caitlyn Jenner and Al Franken! So, Al, where will you be appearing?
AL: The Senate. I’m a senator.
CHRIS: So, catch this; corporation profits are the highest they’ve ever been ever! Companies make so much money, they can actually afford to keep billions of dollars in offshore banks so they don’t have to pay taxes on it. It’s just sitting there. Companies are all like “Why, no thanks, I have a ton of money to work with.”
AL: Yes, this push for tax amnesty is very misguided.
YVETTE: Totally. I hope the writers are working on fixing that next season.
CHRIS: Now, Al, we were lucky to get you on the show, but like always, you were a surprise guest that appears here after your character is killed off.
AL: I wasn’t killed off. Granted, some of my boorish, juvenile-behavior has come to light…
CAITLYN: With pictures! The best Trump could come up with was audio bragging about it.
YVETTE: Sure, a tape, after admitting to it, apologizing for it and dismissing it as “locker room talk,” he’s now claiming is fake!!!
CHRIS: Some real continuity problems with this plot line.
AL: OK, what I was doing was clowning around. It was disrespectful, but after a lifetime of working in comedy, I’m afraid I don’t always know when to put on the brakes. Look, I’m posing for that picture for Pete’s sake. We gave her a copy of it. Granted not my smartest move, but not as bad as season six of SNL.
CHRIS: So, with you off the show, you think we’ll see you return? A flashback? Maybe in another guise like Steve Bannon, switching roles?
AL: I’m a little confused. You keep referencing these events like they’re plot points on a show…
YVETTE: An awesome show.
CAITLYN: The awesome-nest!
AL: This isn’t a show. This is politics in Washington D.C. with Trump in office. This is real.
YVETTE: Real good!
CAITLYN: Wait, what?
AL: Trump is president. This is completely non-fiction.
CAITLYN: Like the Kardashians?
Al: OK, yes, like The Kardashians.
CHRIS: Wait, so you’ll come back for the reunion show?
AL: There’s no reunion show. This is actual current events. This is all happening.
YVETTE: But you’re a TV star. Trump’s a TV star.
AL: Again, I used to be a TV performer. Now I’m in the Senate. Trump is now the president of the United States.
CHRIS: No way.
YVETTE: Then why does he keep talking about TV ratings???
CAITLYN: Are you kidding me?
AL: Kidding you? You voted for the guy!
CAITLYN: So? I voted for Jordan Fisher for Dancing with the Stars. That didn’t mean I wanted him running the country!
CHRIS: Wait, so the fate of the world is resting in this nimrod’s hands? The guy can’t even speak in whole sentences! He answers question with complete gibberish! And the lying! Does he know we know he lies all the time? The stuff with Korea? Nuclear weapons? Europe holding us in such disdain???? The Rosie O’Donnell tweets?
AL: It’s our new reality.
(Yvette, Caitlyn and Chris run, screaming, from the stage.)
AL: Huh. Oh, well, I hated to be the one to burst their bubble, but they had to be made aware. Everyone has to be. Sorry, again. Good-night from me…Al Franken.
The end.
