BILL: Big client, I hear. Cambridge Analytica is really thrilled to land this one.
HARRIETT: This could be the big one. This could be the one I can retire off of!
GRACE: Really? I don’t know. I mean, what we do here is so sleazy and crooked. Do you guys worry about what we do? Who would want to do business with us?
(DAVE and TRUMP enter.)
DAVE: Right is way, Mr. Trump.
TRUMP: No, no, not Trump. I’m Dennis Dennison. It’s my name de plum. And I don’t even like plums! Denial-ability!
DAVE: Of course, sir.
TRUMP: So, they tell me you’re the best.
DAVE: That we are, sir.
TRUMP: Only because I’m not in the data mining business myself. Then I’d be the best. But, data mining isn’t easy. Don’t want to come down with data-lung.
DAVE: Of course not, sir. Now, we’ve heard you were thinking about running for president in 2016.
TRUMP: Yes. I’m tired of having to explain to people why’d I’d be such a great president, the greatest. Teach that punk, Seth Meyers, a lesson too. Mocking me in front of President Kenya like that. So sad!
DAVE: Well, we here at Cambridge Analytica can help you put together the perfect campaign for you, one that looks totally hopeless and chaotic until you put out a last minute win.
TRUMP: A landslide?
DAVE: Sure, we can tell people that.
TRUMP: I like landslides. And water slides, too. I wanted to put a giant water slide in Trump Tower but the building inspectors wouldn’t let me. Nanny state!
DAVE: Yes, sir.
TRUMP: I have to announce soon. I put a down payment on a whole lot of red baseball caps and I need a snappy slogan for them.
DAVE: So, we’ve been looking over the data, finding the people most likely to vote for someone of your ilk and prepare special messages to motivate them to vote.
TRUMP: Terrific-doodle. You got my list of slogans?
HARRIETT: We did, sir.
TRUMP: Ah, a chick.
HARRIETT: Some of these did not test well.
LESLIE: “Me first” for example. People who heard it thought it was about you, until they said it themselves and then they thought it was about them.
GRACE: They got really confused by it.
BILL: We tweaked it a bit, and came up with “America First.”
TRUMP: I can live with that.
GRACE: Worked wonders for the Klan.
HARRIETT: And they totally forgot to trademark it, so it’s ours for the taking!
TRUMP: You’re fired!
TRUMP: That’s my trademark. I trademarked the phrase “you’re fired.” Now nobody can fire anyone unless they pay me a nickel!
GRACE: And that’s a way for you to protect jobs?
TRUMP: No, that’s a way for me to get a lot of nickels!
DAVE: Moving on…
LESLIE: The phrase “Make America Great Again” tested very positively.
GRACE: Especially when we didn’t define “great.”
HARRIETT: “Drain the swamp” is a winner. “Lock her up” tests off the chart.
TRUMP: How about “Rape Hilary?”
GRACE: Did not test as well.
LESLIE: “Deep State” did surprisingly well.
TRUMP: That’s a fave. I mean it makes people freak out that there might be a group of people doing whatever they want with no checks or balances, in secret, plotting all the time. Access to all your data...
LESLIE: As if.
GRACE: That’s literally our job description.
TRUMP: I had a buncha nicknames I wanted to run by you guys to use against my opponents.
TRUMP: People call me the King of Nicknames. And by “people” I mean “Me.”
TRUMP: Lyin’ Ted Cruz.
TRUMP: Lyin’ Hillary.
TRUMP: Lyin’ Jeb or Lyin’ Bush. There’s so many Bushes I wasn’t sure how that one would play.
HARRIETT: I don’t think that matters.
BILL: These are all, what’s the term--?
GRACE: Stupid? Juvenile?
GRACE: Yeah, I probably would have gotten there eventually.
LESLIE: Our research shows we need to tailor each derogatory name for each opponent, so it sounds sincere and that you put some thought into it.
TRUMP: For example?
LESLIE: Okay, Lyin’ Ted Cruz, that works, I think we all agree…
LESLIE: But for Hillary, you need to change it up. Testy Hillary, Cold Hillary, Crooked Hillary.
TRUMP: How about Crooked Hillary?
GRACE: Sure, why not?
TRUMP: How about Marco Rubio. I think he’s gonna be trouble. Rubio the spic?
DAVE: No, Mr. Trump, no, no.
HARRIETT: Dog whistles, sir, dog whistles, not bullhorns!
DAVE: Meanwhile, our research has brought up a number of winning slogans that would serve you well. Things like “Build the Wall,” “Fake News,” “I never had sex with that porn star.”
TRUMP: Good, good, wait, what? Why do you think I need that?
TRUMP: Fine, fine. You got me there. That’s what she said! But I’ve got a lot of ideas, the best ideas!
DAVE: Perhaps. But we’ve had better success with our crowd-sourcing.
TRUMP: What crowd?
(A CROWD, (the rest of the cast) shuffles on, flips Trump the bird and shuffles off.)
TRUMP: Tough crowd.
HARRIETT: So, you see, sir, Cambridge Analytica can handle all your devious, illegal, manipulative needs.
GRACE: And yet we refuse to just make that our slogan.
TRUMP: I foresee great success for us. And for you, too. Everyone who does business with me reaps amazing benefits. Huge benefits. The Trump Bump people call it.
DAVE: Again, sir, we’ve seen the warehouses full of Trump vodka and steaks.
TRUMP: Fine, only Melania calls it that and only when she’s rubbing my belly.
BILL: I think we have all we need.
LESLIE: This is going to be an amazing gig.
GRACE: God help us.
DAVE: And a souvenir for you.
TRUMP: What is it?
HARRIETT: A picture of the electoral map of your win.
TRUMP: Ha! I get Wisconsin! Amazing!
DAVE: Yeah, yeah, but it’s a big payday.
HARRIETT: No, prob. After all, it’s not like anyone is ever going to know.
BILL: As if!
LESLIE: Like someone around here is going to suddenly grow a conscience.
(All chuckle. Grace just looks away. Black out.)