Is there anything that has a shorter shelf life than a topical sketch that isn't selected? I mean besides that funky container of sour cream in the back of the fridge? You pull together a decent take on today's headlines only to learn they didn't pick your sketch to be in this week's show. Then what? Submit it around to the hundreds of comedy troupes that are looking for sketches from strangers? Or put together something for the cable community TV? Or, you just start posting on your own blog because you never know (actually you do, but you do it anyway). It's trickier now when it seems like every sketch turns out political. Like when it came out that Cambridge Analytica whistleblower Christopher Wylie said the company tested Trump slogans such as "drain the swamp" and "deep state" as early as 2014, before Trump announced a presidential bid. It has to be tackled, right?
Cambridge Analytica
(HARRIETT, LESLIE, BILL and GRACE are seated.)
BILL: Big client, I hear. Cambridge Analytica is really thrilled to land this one.
HARRIETT: This could be the big one. This could be the one I can retire off of!
GRACE: Really? I don’t know. I mean, what we do here is so sleazy and crooked. Do you guys worry about what we do? Who would want to do business with us?
(DAVE and TRUMP enter.)
DAVE: Right is way, Mr. Trump.
TRUMP: No, no, not Trump. I’m Dennis Dennison. It’s my name de plum. And I don’t even like plums! Denial-ability!
DAVE: Of course, sir.
TRUMP: So, they tell me you’re the best.
DAVE: That we are, sir.
TRUMP: Only because I’m not in the data mining business myself. Then I’d be the best. But, data mining isn’t easy. Don’t want to come down with data-lung.
DAVE: Of course not, sir. Now, we’ve heard you were thinking about running for president in 2016.
TRUMP: Yes. I’m tired of having to explain to people why’d I’d be such a great president, the greatest. Teach that punk, Seth Meyers, a lesson too. Mocking me in front of President Kenya like that. So sad!
DAVE: Well, we here at Cambridge Analytica can help you put together the perfect campaign for you, one that looks totally hopeless and chaotic until you put out a last minute win.
TRUMP: A landslide?
DAVE: Sure, we can tell people that.
TRUMP: I like landslides. And water slides, too. I wanted to put a giant water slide in Trump Tower but the building inspectors wouldn’t let me. Nanny state!
DAVE: Yes, sir.
TRUMP: I have to announce soon. I put a down payment on a whole lot of red baseball caps and I need a snappy slogan for them.
DAVE: So, we’ve been looking over the data, finding the people most likely to vote for someone of your ilk and prepare special messages to motivate them to vote.
TRUMP: Terrific-doodle. You got my list of slogans?
HARRIETT: We did, sir.
TRUMP: Ah, a chick.
HARRIETT: Some of these did not test well.
LESLIE: “Me first” for example. People who heard it thought it was about you, until they said it themselves and then they thought it was about them.
GRACE: They got really confused by it.
BILL: We tweaked it a bit, and came up with “America First.”
TRUMP: I can live with that.
GRACE: Worked wonders for the Klan.
HARRIETT: And they totally forgot to trademark it, so it’s ours for the taking!
TRUMP: You’re fired!
GRACE: What?
TRUMP: That’s my trademark. I trademarked the phrase “you’re fired.” Now nobody can fire anyone unless they pay me a nickel!
GRACE: And that’s a way for you to protect jobs?
TRUMP: No, that’s a way for me to get a lot of nickels!
DAVE: Moving on…
LESLIE: The phrase “Make America Great Again” tested very positively.
GRACE: Especially when we didn’t define “great.”
HARRIETT: “Drain the swamp” is a winner. “Lock her up” tests off the chart.
TRUMP: How about “Rape Hilary?”
GRACE: Did not test as well.
LESLIE: “Deep State” did surprisingly well.
TRUMP: That’s a fave. I mean it makes people freak out that there might be a group of people doing whatever they want with no checks or balances, in secret, plotting all the time. Access to all your data...
LESLIE: As if.
GRACE: That’s literally our job description.
TRUMP: I had a buncha nicknames I wanted to run by you guys to use against my opponents.
DAVE: Certainly.
TRUMP: People call me the King of Nicknames. And by “people” I mean “Me.”
DAVE: Understood.
TRUMP: Lyin’ Ted Cruz.
LESLIE: Yes.
TRUMP: Lyin’ Hillary.
GRACE: Uh-huh.
TRUMP: Lyin’ Jeb or Lyin’ Bush. There’s so many Bushes I wasn’t sure how that one would play.
HARRIETT: I don’t think that matters.
BILL: These are all, what’s the term--?
GRACE: Stupid? Juvenile?
BILL: Repetitive.
GRACE: Yeah, I probably would have gotten there eventually.
LESLIE: Our research shows we need to tailor each derogatory name for each opponent, so it sounds sincere and that you put some thought into it.
TRUMP: For example?
LESLIE: Okay, Lyin’ Ted Cruz, that works, I think we all agree…
OTHERS: Absolutely.
LESLIE: But for Hillary, you need to change it up. Testy Hillary, Cold Hillary, Crooked Hillary.
TRUMP: How about Crooked Hillary?
GRACE: Sure, why not?
TRUMP: How about Marco Rubio. I think he’s gonna be trouble. Rubio the spic?
DAVE: No, Mr. Trump, no, no.
HARRIETT: Dog whistles, sir, dog whistles, not bullhorns!
DAVE: Meanwhile, our research has brought up a number of winning slogans that would serve you well. Things like “Build the Wall,” “Fake News,” “I never had sex with that porn star.”
TRUMP: Good, good, wait, what? Why do you think I need that?
DAVE: Sir.
TRUMP: Fine, fine. You got me there. That’s what she said! But I’ve got a lot of ideas, the best ideas!
DAVE: Perhaps. But we’ve had better success with our crowd-sourcing.
TRUMP: What crowd?
(A CROWD, (the rest of the cast) shuffles on, flips Trump the bird and shuffles off.)
TRUMP: Tough crowd.
HARRIETT: So, you see, sir, Cambridge Analytica can handle all your devious, illegal, manipulative needs.
GRACE: And yet we refuse to just make that our slogan.
TRUMP: I foresee great success for us. And for you, too. Everyone who does business with me reaps amazing benefits. Huge benefits. The Trump Bump people call it.
DAVE: Again, sir, we’ve seen the warehouses full of Trump vodka and steaks.
TRUMP: Fine, only Melania calls it that and only when she’s rubbing my belly.
BILL: I think we have all we need.
LESLIE: This is going to be an amazing gig.
GRACE: God help us.
TRUMP: Terrific!
DAVE: And a souvenir for you.
TRUMP: What is it?
HARRIETT: A picture of the electoral map of your win.
TRUMP: Ha! I get Wisconsin! Amazing!
(Trump exits.)
DAVE: Yeah, yeah, but it’s a big payday.
HARRIETT: No, prob. After all, it’s not like anyone is ever going to know.
BILL: As if!
LESLIE: Like someone around here is going to suddenly grow a conscience.
(All chuckle. Grace just looks away. Black out.)
The end
BILL: Big client, I hear. Cambridge Analytica is really thrilled to land this one.
HARRIETT: This could be the big one. This could be the one I can retire off of!
GRACE: Really? I don’t know. I mean, what we do here is so sleazy and crooked. Do you guys worry about what we do? Who would want to do business with us?
(DAVE and TRUMP enter.)
DAVE: Right is way, Mr. Trump.
TRUMP: No, no, not Trump. I’m Dennis Dennison. It’s my name de plum. And I don’t even like plums! Denial-ability!
DAVE: Of course, sir.
TRUMP: So, they tell me you’re the best.
DAVE: That we are, sir.
TRUMP: Only because I’m not in the data mining business myself. Then I’d be the best. But, data mining isn’t easy. Don’t want to come down with data-lung.
DAVE: Of course not, sir. Now, we’ve heard you were thinking about running for president in 2016.
TRUMP: Yes. I’m tired of having to explain to people why’d I’d be such a great president, the greatest. Teach that punk, Seth Meyers, a lesson too. Mocking me in front of President Kenya like that. So sad!
DAVE: Well, we here at Cambridge Analytica can help you put together the perfect campaign for you, one that looks totally hopeless and chaotic until you put out a last minute win.
TRUMP: A landslide?
DAVE: Sure, we can tell people that.
TRUMP: I like landslides. And water slides, too. I wanted to put a giant water slide in Trump Tower but the building inspectors wouldn’t let me. Nanny state!
DAVE: Yes, sir.
TRUMP: I have to announce soon. I put a down payment on a whole lot of red baseball caps and I need a snappy slogan for them.
DAVE: So, we’ve been looking over the data, finding the people most likely to vote for someone of your ilk and prepare special messages to motivate them to vote.
TRUMP: Terrific-doodle. You got my list of slogans?
HARRIETT: We did, sir.
TRUMP: Ah, a chick.
HARRIETT: Some of these did not test well.
LESLIE: “Me first” for example. People who heard it thought it was about you, until they said it themselves and then they thought it was about them.
GRACE: They got really confused by it.
BILL: We tweaked it a bit, and came up with “America First.”
TRUMP: I can live with that.
GRACE: Worked wonders for the Klan.
HARRIETT: And they totally forgot to trademark it, so it’s ours for the taking!
TRUMP: You’re fired!
GRACE: What?
TRUMP: That’s my trademark. I trademarked the phrase “you’re fired.” Now nobody can fire anyone unless they pay me a nickel!
GRACE: And that’s a way for you to protect jobs?
TRUMP: No, that’s a way for me to get a lot of nickels!
DAVE: Moving on…
LESLIE: The phrase “Make America Great Again” tested very positively.
GRACE: Especially when we didn’t define “great.”
HARRIETT: “Drain the swamp” is a winner. “Lock her up” tests off the chart.
TRUMP: How about “Rape Hilary?”
GRACE: Did not test as well.
LESLIE: “Deep State” did surprisingly well.
TRUMP: That’s a fave. I mean it makes people freak out that there might be a group of people doing whatever they want with no checks or balances, in secret, plotting all the time. Access to all your data...
LESLIE: As if.
GRACE: That’s literally our job description.
TRUMP: I had a buncha nicknames I wanted to run by you guys to use against my opponents.
DAVE: Certainly.
TRUMP: People call me the King of Nicknames. And by “people” I mean “Me.”
DAVE: Understood.
TRUMP: Lyin’ Ted Cruz.
LESLIE: Yes.
TRUMP: Lyin’ Hillary.
GRACE: Uh-huh.
TRUMP: Lyin’ Jeb or Lyin’ Bush. There’s so many Bushes I wasn’t sure how that one would play.
HARRIETT: I don’t think that matters.
BILL: These are all, what’s the term--?
GRACE: Stupid? Juvenile?
BILL: Repetitive.
GRACE: Yeah, I probably would have gotten there eventually.
LESLIE: Our research shows we need to tailor each derogatory name for each opponent, so it sounds sincere and that you put some thought into it.
TRUMP: For example?
LESLIE: Okay, Lyin’ Ted Cruz, that works, I think we all agree…
OTHERS: Absolutely.
LESLIE: But for Hillary, you need to change it up. Testy Hillary, Cold Hillary, Crooked Hillary.
TRUMP: How about Crooked Hillary?
GRACE: Sure, why not?
TRUMP: How about Marco Rubio. I think he’s gonna be trouble. Rubio the spic?
DAVE: No, Mr. Trump, no, no.
HARRIETT: Dog whistles, sir, dog whistles, not bullhorns!
DAVE: Meanwhile, our research has brought up a number of winning slogans that would serve you well. Things like “Build the Wall,” “Fake News,” “I never had sex with that porn star.”
TRUMP: Good, good, wait, what? Why do you think I need that?
DAVE: Sir.
TRUMP: Fine, fine. You got me there. That’s what she said! But I’ve got a lot of ideas, the best ideas!
DAVE: Perhaps. But we’ve had better success with our crowd-sourcing.
TRUMP: What crowd?
(A CROWD, (the rest of the cast) shuffles on, flips Trump the bird and shuffles off.)
TRUMP: Tough crowd.
HARRIETT: So, you see, sir, Cambridge Analytica can handle all your devious, illegal, manipulative needs.
GRACE: And yet we refuse to just make that our slogan.
TRUMP: I foresee great success for us. And for you, too. Everyone who does business with me reaps amazing benefits. Huge benefits. The Trump Bump people call it.
DAVE: Again, sir, we’ve seen the warehouses full of Trump vodka and steaks.
TRUMP: Fine, only Melania calls it that and only when she’s rubbing my belly.
BILL: I think we have all we need.
LESLIE: This is going to be an amazing gig.
GRACE: God help us.
TRUMP: Terrific!
DAVE: And a souvenir for you.
TRUMP: What is it?
HARRIETT: A picture of the electoral map of your win.
TRUMP: Ha! I get Wisconsin! Amazing!
(Trump exits.)
DAVE: Yeah, yeah, but it’s a big payday.
HARRIETT: No, prob. After all, it’s not like anyone is ever going to know.
BILL: As if!
LESLIE: Like someone around here is going to suddenly grow a conscience.
(All chuckle. Grace just looks away. Black out.)
The end
